I've typed and retyped and quoted and deleted many responses to your post!
I am curious, how long have you known/been together with her and was she diagnosed previously or during your relationship?
Originally posted by CaliforniaRon
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She apparently needs space and quiet when she is not feeling well. This leads you to feel anxious, shut-out and lonely. I would discuss this with her. This is not something that is a one-time, I'm not feeling great, I'll call you when I'm feeling better type of deal. If she's not willing to let you in because she's worried that she'll be a burden, or if you're not willing to understand that she needs space and time during those periods, then this is going to be a vicious circle that just keeps going and will eventually make you both miserable. You both need to come to an agreement of something that works for both of you. This will only be amplified when you move in together--your expectation is that you would see her more often and not be shut out as easily. Her method of withdrawing is going to be more difficult with you there.
Her lack of empathy when you were not feeling well was a problem for you. You mentioned in your previous relationships that you felt more nurtured and cared for. As Caroline pointed out, sometimes it's hard for those with MS to be sympathetic to others for more "minor" things when we are dealing with "major" things. But some people are also more nurturing and empathetic than others. That's just life. Have you seen her be empathetic and nurturing? Is it something that tends to come naturally or that she is capable of? Are you going to continue to feel neglected and overlooked when you are ill or upset or in need of emotional support? Just because you don't have a chronic illness, doesn't mean that your needs for nurturing and empathy are not valid. Just understand that at times, it may be more difficult for her to extend that. But it should not be entirely absent.
True, deep and lasting relationships can weather the fantastic times, as well as the low, dark times. My husband is my best friend. We've been through a lot in the last 17 years we've been together. There have been times when he was unable to give 100% to the relationship, so I gave 150% to get us through. And vice versa. There is never equal measure--there never will be in any relationship.
I talk to my friends, I come here, I talk to coworkers and they all help round out my life. I can't depend on my husband to meet all my needs. It's truly impossible for any one person to do that. But when I have unmet needs that I feel my husband should be meeting, I talk to him about it. And in turn, when he feels that there are needs that I should be meeting, he discusses it with me.
So, to answer your question about moving in--while only YOU and SHE can truly answer that, IMHO, I don't believe you should until you are able to be happy during the times of "low spoons" as well as the good times.
Good luck whatever you decide!
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