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    I have a question


    Hey everyone. Here is my question- does anyone have a teenager who is embarrassed and angry about mom/dad having this illness?
    Ok- now I am oh so off b/c I had this whole story on here and it just...poof___disappeared

    So now it's going to be shorter and, depending on feedback, I'll respond when I have more energy

    My 16 year old daughter and I have always been extremely close- until about 6 months ago. Condensed: I am a family therapist (SSDI now); her dad is a psychologist. I was battered by him for a decade and left when was 18 months old. I had seen 1st hand what it can do to a child who witnesses abuse by 1 parent to another. Oh yeah, he literally almost killed me and then I left.

    For years it was just the 2 of us. I remarried when she was 10 (recently diagnosed). She gave her blessing and the 2 of them got along great.

    A few months ago, she began saying things to me that sounded like her dad's words. "you can do a lot more for yourself than you do; I don't need you to come to my school," and worse.

    I have NEVER hit my daughter-not once. She is my size (we're both a strapping size 2), and my exact height. Several months ago she lunged at me b/c I was holding her key chain. I asked her was she planning to hit me and her response was "yes I will if you don't give that back to me right now.

    I, this little pacifist, turned into someone she'd never seen. Went something like this- I stood up, we were eye to eye, and said, "go ahead, just know this, you better make it good b/c I will knock you through the floor." AND I further stated, "you feeling froggy little girl, jump." She was so shocked b/c she expected me to speak calmly and process what had occurred. Ya' know, "what would have been a better way to handle your anger?" She cried and cried. I explained that threatening me/hitting me would never be tolerated.

    Fast forward a few months (no details now as I am out of steam), SHE IS LIVING W/HER DAD AND WANTS ME TO MEET HER SOMEWHERE TO "discuss some issues." Refuses to come home.

    I did not see my only child for: her 16th birthday, Thanksgiving, nor Chanukah.

    Not once, has she asked me how I was feeling since my diagnosis- following a TEN day hospital stay. I was recently in the hospital and got a text that she had a lot of homework and hoped I felt better.

    I have only seen glowing reports on this site from mom's regarding the support they get from their children. Am I t///he only one??? She has always been like my oxygen. Well, I'm breathing; but I am so depressed. Days go by that I don't get out of bed. I get dehydrated and have no interest in anything anymore.

    Should anyone have, or is, going/gone through anything like this... it would help me, LOTS, should you feel comfortable sharing.

    Much thanks for your time. I am grateful for this site and all of you who take the time to "listen."
    Be Well. Shalom,Suzanne[COLOR="#
    Last edited by kelm10; 04-04-2015, 06:56 PM.
    You never fail, until you stop trying__Albert Einstein

    #2
    I am not a mom, I am a dad, but, my son has been in different to me for a couple years. and it hurts so much, but sometimes he can be very caring. The other day he sat down on my bed and fixed my TV and when he was done he said "anything you need dada". I was so shocked I nearly fell out of my wheelchair! And then he was talking about different shows we could watch together. My heart is still feeling the warmth.
    hunterd/HuntOP/Dave
    volunteer
    MS World
    hunterd@msworld.org
    PPMS DX 2001

    "ADAPT AND OVERCOME" - MY COUSIN

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      #3
      My daughter seems more relaxed around me after I told her that it was ok for her to be afraid, I was too. I also let her know that I would find new ways to do the same old things together. That conversation's theme was "it is what it is". Hope this helps.

      Comment


        #4
        Sorry for your experience. My kids are awesome. They were 11 and 12 when my MS started, and now, 13 years later, they are adults. Have never been a problem; have been helpful when I need it. I feel blessed. I know that not everyone experiences this.

        I would have mixed reports about how helpful or unhelpful my husband has been. He means well; no mixed reports there. Sometimes, is hyper-vigilant and overly stressed, because of it, and does not make good decisions.
        ~ Faith
        MSWorld Volunteer -- Moderator since JUN2012
        (now a Mimibug)

        Symptoms began in JAN02
        - Dx with RRMS in OCT03, following 21 months of limbo, ruling out lots of other dx, and some "probable stroke" and "probable CNS" dx for awhile.
        - In 2008, I was back in limbo briefly, then re-dx w/ MS: JUL08
        .

        - Betaseron NOV03-AUG08; Copaxone20 SEPT08-APR15; Copaxone40 APR15-present
        - Began receiving SSDI / LTD NOV08. Not employed. I volunteer in my church and community.

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by Imagine View Post
          Hey everyone. Here is my question- does anyone have a teenager who is embarrassed and angry about mom/dad having this illness?

          My 16 year old daughter and I have always been extremely close- until about 6 months ago. Condensed: I am a family therapist (SSDI now); her dad is a psychologist. I was battered by him for a decade and left when ___ was 18 months old. I had seen 1st hand what it can do to a child who witnesses abuse by 1 parent to another. Oh yeah, he literally almost killed me and then I left.

          For years it was just the 2 of us. I remarried when she was 10 (recently diagnosed). She gave her blessing and the 2 of them got along great.
          Yeah I can relate to the abuse / divorce thing. It is not easy on anyone - and while kids bounce back they still carry scars for the rest of their lives (I was a child of divorce too). It is great that you have re-married and moved on with your life, and even better that they got along well.

          But could that still be a part of her 'attitude'? Like you don't need her now because you have somebody who will take care of you?

          Originally posted by Imagine View Post
          A few months ago, she began saying things to me that sounded like her dad's words. "you can do a lot more for yourself than you do; I don't need you to come to my school," and worse.
          I have NEVER hit my daughter-not once. She is my size (we're both a strapping size 2), and my exact height. Several months ago she lunged at me b/c I was holding her key chain. I asked her was she planning to hit me and her response was "yes I will if you don't give that back to me right now.
          16 is a very rough age - not an adult yet, but sure that they can do a better job of running their lives than a parent can. And don't forget the hormone things going on . I believe that they are trying their wings out and yeah the words probably WERE from her father.
          My oldest child (a son) tried that with me once. My 2nd child (also a boy) saw the encounter.

          Originally posted by Imagine View Post
          I, this little pacifist, turned into someone she'd never seen. Went something like this- I stood up, we were eye to eye, and said, "go ahead, just know this, you better make it good b/c I will knock your *** through the floor." AND I further stated, "you feeling froggy little girl, jump." She was so shocked b/c she expected me to speak calmly and process what had occurred. Ya' know, "what would have been a better way to handle your anger?" She cried and cried. I explained that threatening me/hitting me would never be tolerated.
          I had the same reaction. He was a head taller than me but I really didn't care at that time - he was not going to treat me like that! Being male he wouldn't cry in front of me - he just sulked off. But he never came at me like that again.

          Originally posted by Imagine View Post
          Fast forward a few months (no details now as I am out of steam), SHE IS LIVING W/HER DAD AND WANTS ME TO MEET HER SOMEWHERE TO "discuss some issues." Refuses to come home.
          I did not see my only child for: her 16th birthday, Thanksgiving, nor Chanukah.
          My children's father ended up with all three of my children - he 'bribed' them with promises of cars and such. I didn't see any of their high school graduations. And missed many holiday and birthdays too. My daughter has come back around (she is a smart child and quickly saw that all her dad wanted was child support and to hurt me). In fact HE is the one she hates now. Absolutely NOT my doing.
          I have not seen my oldest child for over 6 years, My middle child (who I had always gotten along with so well) doesn't speak when he sees me - which is seldom.

          Maybe your daughter refuses to come home because that would put control of the ball in your court. Let her call this shot, but do not just give into any 'demands' that she may have for you. Treat her like an adult - yeah I know she isn't, but they need practice at this before suddenly they are ..

          Originally posted by Imagine View Post
          I have only seen glowing reports on this site from mom's regarding the support they get from their children. Am I he only one??? She has always been like my oxygen. Well, I'm breathing; but *** I am so depressed. Days go by that I don't get out of bed. I get dehydrated and have no interest in anything anymore.
          Have you considered antidepressants? Or counseling? Surely you know the value in that.

          Glowing reports? No, not always. I chose to not worry about things that I have no control over. And my children are all grown up now. If I missed it when they were smaller then I certainly cant make it all better now. My daughter and my step-daughter are my 'proof' that I didn't do too badly .

          The depression - Why? Really. We do the best we can to raise our children to be self-sufficient responsible adults. You have to let her go at some point. Yeah is is heartbreaking to see them make mistakes, but the best we can do is to help them back up, dust them off and set them on their feet again so that they can continue to live and learn.

          Just remember that she is a person - different from you. You wont always see things the same way. And she has to make her own mistakes in life.

          That sounds so cold, but honestly, if they never have any consequences that they are responsible for then they ever grow up. And I am sure that you are doing everything in your power that you can to help her now. So teach her the proper way to spread her wings and fly.

          I hope that you can come to terms with this situation and that you and your daughter will be able to reach an understanding that both of you can live with.

          Comment


            #6
            Thanks

            I appreciate the support guys. I left out the fact that her grandfather on paternal side is a multi millionaire, and she is the only, and will be the only, grandchild. There is absolutely no material object she could want for and not receive. She had a car BEFORE her license. I get all of that. I am sure that I am handling this the right way. I have an acute awareness that she is [I]not [I]me and have never said to her (or anyone), "well [I]I would..."

            The person that asked about my remarriage is very insightful. She has always been very jealous of other people in my life---including informing her friends that I am HER mother, not theirs. She gets angry when my spouse makes tea or coffee for me b/c she wants to do it.

            Regarding her being "scarred" by the divorce, she has no memory of us ever living together. When she was 3 &4, she would tell him this is our house, not his.

            I really want to know if anyone else has a child where the relationship was extremely close pre diagnosis...and distant post diagnosis.

            Again, thanks to all of you for your support
            You never fail, until you stop trying__Albert Einstein

            Comment


              #7
              Yes & Yes

              Originally posted by msgijo View Post



              Have you considered antidepressants? Or counseling? Surely you know the value in that.

              Glowing reports? No, not always.
              Yes to both questions. My daughter has no memory of us living with her father.

              I am so very sorry that you went through that with your children. Having ms and your children being with the man who hurt you is one of the worst hear aches one can experience. I know that this is something she has to work through herself. The fact that I am not in pieces says a lot about how far I have come. Thanks for sharing. Shalom, Suzanne
              You never fail, until you stop trying__Albert Einstein

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by Imagine View Post
                Yes to both questions. My daughter has no memory of us living with her father.
                Could it be a case of a teen playing every angle to get her way?
                It happens.
                Especially in divorced homes where they can play one parent off the other.

                Even with no MS and no divorce kids pull away in a big way at that age.
                It could have nothing to do with you.

                As far as the altercation you had with your daughter...What were you supposed to do???
                She tried to get physical with you, you were forced to put the fear of God in her. (good job)
                You did this without striking her or berating her. That is being a parent.

                Your daughter will come live with you after the fantasy of Wonder-Dad gets shattered but you cannot protect her from her father. He is her Dad.

                I always enjoyed a very close relationship with my son but spend very little time together after 16.
                It is the age.
                Fifteen-Sixteen on, they are busy building their own lives and all we can do is guide them if possible.
                If you try to force them to do anything you will have real trouble.

                Just make sure she knows you are there for her if she needs you for anything.
                She will need you soon.
                Very soon if your ex has not changed.

                She loves and misses you but like most teens they are too worried if they are cool to notice anything else.
                Did you spend much time thinking about Mom & Dad when you were 15??? She may check back in at 25.
                I do not remember spending much time fretting over my parents until they started getting elderly.
                Just the way it goes?

                Feel good and try to relax.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Thanks

                  Originally posted by tommylee View Post



                  I always enjoyed a very close relationship with my son but spend very little time together after 16.
                  It is the age.
                  Fifteen-Sixteen on, they are busy building their own lives and all we can do is guide them if possible.
                  If you try to force them to do anything you will have real trouble.

                  Just make sure she knows you are there for her if she needs you for anything.
                  She will need you soon.
                  Very soon if your ex has not changed.

                  She loves and misses you but like most teens they are too worried if they are cool to notice anything else.
                  Did you spend much time thinking about Mom & Dad when you were 15??? She may check back in at 25.
                  I do not remember spending much time fretting over my parents until they started getting elderly.
                  Just the way it goes?

                  Feel good and try to relax.
                  Thanks so much for the validation, Tommy Lee My daughter does continuously text me (what teen talks on the phone anymore???) I am always cognizant of the fact that she and I are 2 different people. I SO want her to have her own life and feel free to be the person that she wants to be. I am actually glad that she is finding her way---as EVERYTHING that I did at her age was for/about my mom. I longed for her attention, which was seldom given. I didn't move away from being my mom's "parent," until I became a parent myself.

                  Much thanks for sharing this w/me and others going through similar circumstances as well. It says something about you, as a parent, that you have a close relationship with your son
                  . Very insightful about not holding the reigns too tight-- couldn't agree more. Be Well.
                  Shalom, Suzanne
                  You never fail, until you stop trying__Albert Einstein

                  Comment


                    #10
                    I've had MS for 9 years, my kids were 14, 16 and 18, Shortly after, my 3 step-sons (9, 10 and 12) decided to leave their abusive mother and live with us full time. My DH went to court and got full custody. My youngest (23) and all 3 steps still live at home, my 2 oldest live with their spouses.

                    If I was offered $1 million to re-live the ages of 15, 16 and 17.... I would turn it down!!! They think they're at the pinical of their intelligence, and know EVERYTHING there is to know, they will never know more than they will at those ages.

                    Almost overnight, things changed and they became human beings again. They became less selfish, realized they're not the only humans walking the planet, became more caring. I've never experienced abuse from them but they ignored everybody's needs but their own during those years.

                    Please hang in there, your daughter will probably return. Maybe not physically but emotionally. You seem to be handling things well given the circumstances. If she is your only child it may take longer as there is nobody to 'compete for Mom's positive attention" with. The younger ones definitely followed the older ones.

                    Stay tough! My thoughts are with you, you're in a rough position.
                    Jen
                    RRMS 2005, Copaxone since 2007
                    "I hope to be the person my dog thinks I am."

                    Comment


                      #11
                      THANKS SO MUCH

                      Originally posted by Cat Mom View Post
                      I've had MS for 9 years, my kids were 14, 16 and 18, Shortly after, my 3 step-sons (9, 10 and 12) decided to leave their abusive mother and live with us full time. My DH went to court and got full custody. My youngest (23) and all 3 steps still live at home, my 2 oldest live with their spouses.

                      If I was offered $1 million to re-live the ages of 15, 16 and 17.... I would turn it down!!! They think they're at the pinical of their intelligence, and know EVERYTHING there is to know, they will never know more than they will at those ages.

                      Almost overnight, things changed and they became human beings again. They became less selfish, realized they're not the only humans walking the planet, became more caring. I've never experienced abuse from them but they ignored everybody's needs but their own during those years.

                      Please hang in there, your daughter will probably return. Maybe not physically but emotionally. You seem to be handling things well given the circumstances. If she is your only child it may take longer as there is nobody to 'compete for Mom's positive attention" with. The younger ones definitely followed the older ones.

                      Stay tough! My thoughts are with you, you're in a rough position.
                      Jen
                      Cat mom, I see that you posted this in November- I am just now reading it. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH for sharing this. I'm a *** child and family therapist, and taught parenting classes for YEARS. That's thrown at me too, "don't analyze me." I thought I was prepared for this crap- I've seen so much of it. I wasn't prepared, as I thought. I want you to know, that your post was oh so helpful for me, b/c I feel UNDERSTOOD, and validated. I so appreciate your time to think about me and respond. Sorry I didn't read it sooner. Much thanks to everyone who responded with similar issues. I have become "tougher" w/her than I thought possible. She loves to tell everyone her mom is a "pacifist," but she's learning that even pacifists can set limits, and not respond to emotional blackmail (moving in w/father). I will not give in... that's thanks to you and all of you who've provided such support. I'M NOT DEPRESSED ANYMORE. Love & Light to all of you heart:
                      [COLOR="#0000CD"][Shalom, SuzannetCOLOR]
                      You never fail, until you stop trying__Albert Einstein

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