Issues between my mother and wife with MS

[waycos]

Does anyone have experience with family members' issues with spouse/spouse's MS?

My mother is the big problem. We have purchased a 2 family home together, so I can help with my aging father and they can help with my wife. So they know and recognize my wife has MS. But my mother continues to not "get it". Trying to push my wife to do more. Even having a conversation with her that she'll end up divorced if she doesn't do more around the home. I recognize that my wife is going through a tough time right now. She's flaring up with some new issues and it's taking longer then normal. The doctor even has her on something that's not approved for MS (IVIG) in order to try and help. But 2 days after the latest treatment and she's pushing my wife to clean the entire house. She's questions our running of the AC to keep the temp. down and saying the stair-lift was an unnecessary purchase.

Are there any resources? Maybe someone (expert? nurse?) I can direct my mother to so she can ask as many questions as she needs in order to understand?

[misslux]

Well your best bet is to ask your wife's neuro or someone at the local NMSS to educate your mother.

I have to ask, and no disrespect, but what do you say to your mother about all this? My SO would never tolerate me being treated that way, even by his mother.

[KitOP]

The NMSS does have resources available called "Family Matters" There are a number of different resources available, all are free of charge. Here is a link to that page: http://www.nationalmssociety.org/Res...Family-Matters

It can be so hard for others to realize the struggles that someone with MS goes through. Education is key.

Keep supporting your wife the best you can. Just being there for her can mean worlds. A hug, a special treat, fix dinner - there are endless possibilities which I'm sure that she will appreciate.

Good Luck

[MSW1963]

Talk with the MS Neuro....

some larger MS centers offer Social Worker type services that typically includes helping family members with info about chronic illnesses like MS.

Social Workers help family members with the day to day changes they can expect in the patient's ability to function, and what the family members can expect through the course of the disease.

You should also check with your local chapter of the NMSS for similar type social services.

Of course any of these types of services will require your mother's participatrion. You may have to finesse your mother into participating in any kid of social services available.

Multi-generational households can be very demanding, throw in a sick DIL, and aging MIL caring for her aging/unwell husband, life sounds complicated for both the women in your life.

Have you considered hiring a housekeeper to come in once or twice, or every other week to ease some of the burden and tension the situation is causing?

Best of luck to your wife, you and your family.

[Marco]

my two cents

waycos,
You already admitted your mother was the big problem in the relationship(s). I am completely shocked your mother would use the divorce word on your behalf. Based on just those things do you believe your mother is capable of permanently backing off and being kind towards your wife? Or would she be 'good' for a little while and then go back to picking on your wife?

It really sounds like you need to decide which relationship is more important to you.

• If your relationship with your mom is more important then please be honest with your wife. Don't think some 3rd party is going to come rescue you and your wife from your mother.
  
• If your marriage is more important, you need to tell your mom to "back off and back off now." Your mother needs to realize that your first responsibility is to your wife and not to her.
  Your job is to protect your wife EVEN from your own mother. That also means you might need to sell your portion of the real estate and move elsewhere.

For full disclosure: I am an old Texas codger. I love my wife and no one comes before her. My wife is who I exchanged vows and who I am willing to die for first. While I need to honor my parents that quickly ends the moment they malign my wife. So don't be mealymouthed about it -- be honest with both of the women in your life. I wish you well ...

[MSW1963]

Sheer coincidence,

FYI, I received a mailer from my local chapter of NMSS titled 'Relationship Matters' a free one day couples workshop.

[aredmosquito]

I agree with everyone who has said that you need to talk to your mom, and it needs to be soon. She is your mother, after all, and you need to be the one to set boundaries with her.

[Jules A]

I also agree that you need to take this up with your mother and insist she treat your wife with respect. Even though your houses are connected maybe some boundaries would be helpful. Does she really need to be in your house inspecting the dust or concerning herself with the temperature?

If your Mother isn't able to stop being nasty to your wife I would move.

[RAM992x]

Marco has a point. Bottom line, you'll be the one to decide which relationship will you save. Both women in your life is important to you, I know. But your should prioritize everything.