For Mothers Is This Normal???

[Tammy-Rose]

Hi my son is 32 years old ,I have ms , he is my only child. He is married with 2 children of his own. We have always had a distant relationship he is very independent, and doesn't show his affection easily. Very distant type of person. He does not like to talk to anyone that is sick,ill he has the attitude of deal with it,suck it up.I have tried to talk to him about it but only on the internet that is because he doesn't come to our house or call unless he wants something. It is also very uncomfortable in talking to his wife or visiting them. I don't know exactly what I am trying to say but doenes anyone else have this lack of communication problems with any of their children and how do the cope with this lack of communication. And how do you deal with it, I am so lost.

[onlyairfare]

I don't know the answer to your questions, but I am hoping if I bump this up again, maybe someone will come up with some ideas to help you.

A couple of my thoughts, FWIW. Since your son clearly doesn't want to talk about your MS, is it possible to just not discuss it or bring it up with him? Obviously a lot easier if you don't have major visible disability, but just don't mention doctor visits, tests, medications, symptoms.

You mention he has two children. Can you focus on involvement with them, on activities they may want to do with Grandma, and thereby have family activities that don't center around you & your son & MS?

I think all parents experience problems communicating with their children! It sounds like yours are worse than many, and I am sorry you are having to go through such an uncomfortable situation. My best wishes are going out to you.

[msgijo]

Maybe

Hi Tammy - Rose. I had actually started a reply earlier, but must have hit a wrong key and lost the reply ...

Anyhow, Normal? Maybe. My life experience, if I may?

Had a very close friend that I no longer call friend. They were actually the first person I told about the dix, but they couldn't / wouldn't accept it. Any mention of the disease, meds, dr appts or symptoms I was going thru were either ignored or refuted as not being real. So sad, but I refused to deal with the stress of the relationship and so we parted and went on with our separate lives. We sometimes run into each other in town and its all 'surface' talk (the weather, people we used to hang out with etc.) but nothing personal is ever said.

I told my mother and grandmother next (at the same time). My mom couldn't accept that her daughter had this incurable disease, and we talked around it for years. As a mother myself I can kinda understand, but I am grateful that we can finally talk about it now. Funny that my grandmother accepted it right away, and we actually became closer than ever after that. She has since passed away .

But you were asking about your son. Well my son and I haven't spoken (even on-line) for years. There are many possible reasons for that, but since we were at one time very close I believe that he simply cant / wont accept that his mother has this disease. He also has 2 children, and I miss them terribly.

My daughter has been thru it with me since day one. At one time she even did my injections for me. She would take me shopping almost every week, and called often just to check on me. However she has moved on in her life (as she should!). She is married with a child of her own, and a career to worry about. We talk, but not as often. She does think enough of me to keep me posted on her brother, and sometimes pick up my other two grand-kids and bring all my grands out to visit with me.

IMHO I believe that in a lot of ways MS is worse on our loved ones than it is on us. Lord knows I had enough trouble accepting it and I am living it every day. Constantly looking for anything to make it better, and having to accept over and over that there just isn't any such thing.

As Onlyairfare suggested spend time with the grandchildren (if possible). Give your son a little break - he is at the age where his own life is going thru some stress (job, marriage, kids). And realize that sometimes people just cant deal with a disease that YOU are living with.

Oh, BTW - The grandmother (who I was so very close to) almost died many years ago. She was in the hospital almost 4 months and later remembered less that a week of it. I am ashamed but have to admit to you that I pulled away from her at that time in her life. In my defense all I can say is that I was only 15 at the time and didn't want her to die. Although she was never the same after that time in her life she was still my "ma" and so we did become close again later (before the MS thing).

Have hope, but don't obsess about it. As the old saying goes "Kids will be kids"

[AriD]

I fortunately have a great relationship with my children and their spouses. I'm very lucky. However I don't talk to them too much about how I'm doing day to day. They worry about me and I don't want them to have that extra burden.

My siblings and friends are the people I talk to if I need some support. My sister though has had a very difficult strained relationship with her daughter. My suggestion to her was to write her a letter about how she was feeling. In the letter she focused on her daughter. How much she loved her and what she wished for her. She included wanting to spend some time with her and her children. She didn't talk about anything negative in their relationship or any of her problems. It really helped.

Her daughter emailed her a few times talking about how she felt. After a little back and forth her daughter invited her out to her house (out of state). That was a couple of years ago. Now they get together and phone each other often. Still some strain but they are both working on it and focusing on doing fun things together and with the grandchildren Hope things get better for you. Do things with your grandchildren too. Their happiness with you will be a connection to your son.

** Moderator's note - Post broken into paragraphs for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print. **