Wife has MS. I want to separate, but not because of MS

[misslux]

Don't know if this will help you or not... I'm the MSer in my family. If my husband wanted to dissolve the marriage, for any reason (including me being sick), and was only staying with me because I have MS, that's not fair to both of us. What a waste of 2 lives.

I agree. As discussed in another thread related to MS, like you, I've given my SO the out when and if he needs it.

Also (not directed at anyone), but generally speaking, just because someone has a chronic illness doesn't automatically make them a nice person or the victim.

[Marco]

I'm sorry, but I cannot give you advice on how to make the failure of a marriage palatable.

It doesn't appear that you actually want honest opinions or frank advice. You appear to want to be coddled; have your male ego stroked and told everything is going to be “ok.” You deflect responsibility by categorizing opinions that differ from your own as "angry" or "judgmental." You need to take responsibility for your own beliefs, actions, and the choices you make. Don't try to rationalize away your own shortcomings by societal norms. It doesn't matter what 50% of marriages do or don't do --- yours is the one that is important. Overcoming hardships in your relationship can actually bring you closer together and help forge inseparable bonds.

When you leave your wife and daughter you are separating yourself and walking out on your family. You may not want to categorize this as "abandonment" because that term is too harsh for your mental facade to continue. You are modeling what is normal between male and female relationships for your daughter. That is not further reason to split up, it’s further reason to work on your marriage and right the ship.

Here's some advice:
• Take responsibility and accountability for your own failures in your marriage. If she won't go to couples therapy then get yourself into individual therapy and demonstrate your willingness to work on yourself and your marriage.
• Fight your passive nature. Become a man of action and determine within yourself to make your marriage work. She doesn’t need to hear about your efforts she needs to see them in action.
• Take a leadership role in working towards a successful marriage. Drop the negative, fatalistic terms when describing your marriage. It is much harder to denigrate something you are actively working to improve.
• Stop pointing out her failures and point out her successes. You fell "in love" with her for some reason so find a new reason if the old one's no longer exist. Court your wife like you did when she was your girlfriend.
• Don’t allow societal norms to set your personal standards of conduct and expectation. Stand up and be counted.
• Life is full of hardships. When you give up because of hardships it just makes it easier to give up again in your future. Look at the statistics for 2nd and 3rd marriages. This failure is likely to repeat itself in future relationships.
• If you truly want to consider your daughters happiness than show your daughter how a man should treat his wife. Show her how a man responds to the trials and hardships of life.
• If you know a man (or men) with great long-term marriages schedule a lunch or dinner with them. Share your story and ask them how you can resurrect your marriage. No marriage is perfect, but each marriage is worth fighting for.

Your wife is direct reflection of you. If she is “this” it is because you have been “that.” Don't give up, go to work as a husband. Your wife is like a garden and you are the gardener. Your responsibility is the weeding, the plowing, the watering, the fertilizing, and the pruning. If you are successful your wife will bloom. If you are unsuccessful she will shrivel. Yes, it is a tough job, but one that you are capable of doing. While in the process remember she is not your worst enemy – you are.

[Mørphi]

👆 That about sums it up. Well said, Marco

[Jules A]

Also (not directed at anyone), but generally speaking, just because someone has a chronic illness doesn't automatically make them a nice person or the victim.

Well said!

[DebbieB]

There's nothing left to say after Marco's last post....he's said it all, and very well...he's a very wise man.

[Fed Up]

Ditto to Marco..You are my hero.
And Tommylee..It is nice to have men's perspectives on this issue
fed

[Seasha]

Wow, good discussion. A lot of people are angry at me. This surprised me since you don't even know me. I thought this group would have some understanding and be able to give some non-judgemental advice. I'm sorry if I've offended you.

I didn't come here to have random strangers judge me or reassure me (although you are welcome to do either). I'm interested what people who have been in a similar situation have done. Has anyone had positive separations? Have you managed to be caretakers while still having your own sexual/personal/financial freedom? If so, how? If not, how have you managed to come to terms with the life you are stuck in?

You are right, Jeek - we are not in your shoes and we don't know you and what is really happening in your marriage - beyond what you have told us. Because of this I want us all to be reminded of our 1st Guideline. INTERNET ETIQUETTE: Show respect for others at all times.

You have been given some good suggestions about counseling - either couples or individually. I hope you seriously consider this to keep your marriage and family intact. You might also want to take some time to read many of our forums to educate yourself what living with MS means to all of us (and your wife especially!) - be it physically, mentally and emotionally. It is not an easy road to travel, for the most part.

I hope some of our members that have been in similar situations can give you some concrete answers to your questions above. We might be missing an opportunity to help you understand your wife's challenges, which may in turn, help in saving your marriage.

I wish you well, Jeek, and hope things can turn around for you - for your family's sake!

[MSW1963]

jeek, ending a marriage is never pleasent or easy. MS only makes it that much more complicated.

I commend your ideas about living nearby for the benefit of your child and your child's mother.

Staying in a marital relationship because of MS sounds unfair to everyone involved, and doomed to fail. Staying true to the committment you took on when you became a parent and supporting your child's mother is the right thing to do.

You may no longer be in a marital relationship, but I think it's vital that you maintain a healthy relationship as parents to your child. Like it or not, you will be some sort of family forever, it's wort the effort to make it as happy as possible.

Establishing a healthy relationship with your x will benefit everyone. If your x is unstable emotionally, that is very difficult, but it's the hand you've been delt and you will have to manage as best you can. After all you made a choice to marry, and a choice to be a parent, so you've contributed significiently to the situation you find yourself in.

Being emotionally unstable probably sucks all the joy from your x's life, and that can't be easy for her or anyone involved. I hope she's on medication to treat her MH, and to improve emotional stability. Being in an unhappy marriage isn't doing anything to improve your x's MS or her MH.

[KatieAgain]

My marriage ended because of MS. My husband told me he did not marry someone that was broken. As the time went on...it got ugly...I will spare the details.

I divorced him...much to his surprise.

MSW1963 is correct. What is going on right now is not fair to anyone involved. And no one should stay in a marriage because of MS.

You will not find absolution on this Board. That is going to have to come from within yourself.

What will likely happen is this. You two will head for Divorce Court. A judge will award custody as deemed proper with the given circumstances. It is hopeful that both of you will maintain a degree of civility for your child's sake. And neither of you will get exactly what you hoped for.

In time her hate, and by the way she is allowed to hate you, will turn into indifference. Meaning she neither hates you or likes you. She will no longer pine for you and you will simply become her child's father. She does not need you as a caregiver. She will most likely remarry.

I do hope you take the recommendation of getting Therapy for yourself...you have some guilt issues and childhood issues that need to be resolved.

Please do not let your "baggage" get heavier otherwise it will affect all future relationships.

Good Luck to all of you...time will heal some of the wounds that have already been inflicted.

[Temagami]

Every marriage has ebbs and flows- if you´ve been in the ebb too long, have you read some books on communication styles? Have read about the physical, mental and emotional aspects of MS? Are you assuming that your wife will become your mother in terms of patient profile? Can you see past her illness to the inner core of the person you married? Most people who abandon their families- and it is abandonment- do regret it once they come of out their "I must be happy" phase. If you are not happy, it is not of your wife´s doing- you fill your own happiness jar. Odds are that you two are having miscommunications on having your needs met.

Have you sat down and listed the unmet needs? Most rational loving people do not intentionally or deliberately fail to meet their partner´s needs. People are not mind readers no matter how long they have been together. If you have both clearly explained your unmet needs (I am not happy does not count, that one is on you) and one of you has stated that you cannot or will not meet the unmet, but now clearly stated need, then you are looking at a different situation. Your daughter will be permanently affected by this. Think twice please.

[mercadies25]

well, I was kind of on your side. If your not happy and she is not happy well then leave life is short and don't waste it being miserable. Until you said these words.

Has anyone had positive separations? Have you managed to be caretakers while still having your own sexual/personal/financial freedom? If so, how? If not, how have you managed to come to terms with the life you are stuck in?


I thought you said it have nothing to due with MS. Apparently it does. STUCK IN. Shame on you.

My dh and I have struggled with this disease. Really I can't believe his is still with me. I have been a mental and physical mess sense this DX. He held my hand and helped me. I feel guilty because he has given up some of the easy going life he had
but he is here.

STUCK IN, we MSers are stuck with it. You make the best of it. You still get to go to work, run, play, climb stairs, vacation in the heat etc.......

I am sure she'll be just fine without you!!!! Many of us are by themselves. She may be able to find someone that excepts her with the disease and she can be happy and not miserable with you.

SHAME ON YOU!!!!!

[Seasha]

Just a friendly reminder here - there are always two sides of every coin. Let's remember our 1st guideline -

1. INTERNET ETIQUETTE: Show respect for others at all times.

[jeek]

Thanks!

I really appreciate the myriad of opinions. We saw a councilor. She said we're not ready for couples therapy but should do individual. I will do that.

The therapist also gave a useful framework for deciding. We've been together 10+ years and she has said she is going to leave me on average once a quarter for 9 of them. I have been contemplating it for 6 and have brought it up a couple times. The therapist said that usually if people have a great relationship and then some major life changes happen which cause it to sour or it just is entering a new phase recently then trying to rebuild is possible. She recommend in our case we explore separation since there are likely intrinsic issues and a lot of built of pain.

Still, I'm keeping an open mind. Reading peoples' responses have softened me and made me feel that perhaps I would like to "be there" more than I want to "be happy." I respect the strong views on rebuilding marriages instead of giving up, but I do have to say it's not a one-size-fits all philosophy. Not every marriage is meant to be fixed, and I have a feeling the stress is actually worse for her than the pain of separating.

As for being "stuck", I meant that in context of a relationship with a lot of conflict and not much joy. If that was read as stuck with a sick partner, it was not my intent and I could see why that would be offensive to someone who is suffering with MS. I made breakfast when I was 6 because my mom couldn't get out of bed some days or use her right side. I may not have the awareness you have as a patient, but I'm not entirely ignorant either.

Again, thanks for your honest input, it has helped me gain some clarity and I hope to somehow return the favor one day.

[mrhick01]

A very interesting discussion. I've been tortured with issues similar to this in the last two years. Your sharing has motivated me to open up and share. This is going to be long, folks.

As a caretaker, I have emotionally gone through some similar struggles. The burden is immense at times, and the physical/emotional/mental exertion and all of the accompanying stress has caused my health to suffer. It is scary when one stretches themselves so thin that they sometimes feel that they are going to die. I have two small children, around the ages of your child. My wife and myself have been married for over 11 years and we've been together 16. My wife was diagnosed in 2012, but in hindsight she was presenting symptoms as far back as 2005 and I chalked it up to "depression," "marital disagreements" or simply wondering what in the blue blazes was going on...it was the uncertainty of knowing that something was wrong and it was doing violence to the relationship but not yet knowing what the problems were.

When it comes to seeking understanding from some, particularly those who are suffering from this disease and who have been forced to deal with their significant others leaving family units because of or as an eventual result of a diagnosis and dealing with its ravages...dude, it's not likely to be found here. As a matter of fact, you may (and have to a degree) get blowback from those that did not get a chance to say what they wanted to say to their leaving spouses...or perhaps they just want to say it one more time...

I do want to address the issue of "keeping up appearances" for family's sake. Miserable, unhappy people who are starting to despise each other (for whatever reason(s)) do not make for effective child-rearing. It is worse for the child and frankly, a terrible idea. It would be far better to co-parent and for both parents as individuals to deal with their particular struggles - in the wife's case, her disease, how she is able to deal with the challenges the disease brings and the dissolution of her relationship and dealing with all of that...and in the thread creator's case, finding some sense of balance after making some very unpleasant decisions. There will be those who will never accept the actions you've taken, and you will have to deal with that.

It is true that deciding to leave a relationship and get a separation is an abandonment of one's marriage vows, and on its face it is not a good look to dissolve your marriage after your wife has been diagnosed with an illness, whether you both were unhappy before the diagnosis or not. Is this relationship really over? Is there a chance? Regardless, continue to seek help and work on your own healing. Your child needs you.

Personally speaking, I have sought counseling myself, striving to sort out my thoughts. Thoughts about my wife, this disease, my feelings, my children, my fear about my own mortality and failing health as a caretaker...all of that.

What I have come to as my understanding is that I still love my wife - but it is not the same. Let me explain. The cognitive and short-term memory damage that MS has imposed on my wife...she is not the same person. I cannot engage her with the same conversations that we use to have. She cannot help me with the same tasks a partner would when I wanted to be a hard-working striver...I am not talking about some chauvinistic thing where the man is supposed to "this" and the woman is supposed to do "that," but in how partners communicate and separate tasks to make the family unit move smoother...that has been radically altered. On a day-to-day basis, that is not easy.

When it is different like that, things change, the dynamics change. Please understand - I get that she is the one living with this disease, and I can only imagine the horror of having to deal with what the disease takes away from you. I understand that she suffers from much more than just the symptoms of MS. Caregiving is NOT an equal partnership. I mourn the loss of the person that my wife was, and I have to deal with what is.

What "is" is that my wife is still a wonderful, sweet loyal human being, one that absolutely loves her husband, children and family. Despite MS, she still has a positive outlook toward life and continues to do her best every single day. What I have is a commitment that I made over 11 years ago, two beautiful children who need and love both of their parents, and a good woman, an excellent person who has an ugly disease who did not ask for any of this.

What am I trying to say with all of this? I'm beginning to wonder myself, it's a total stream of consciousness. What I am saying is, look out for the welfare of your child and make a full assessment of where you are and where you stand. Continue to work with your therapist.

To the members of this messageboard who are struggling with MS and may have had to deal with separations because of it, I would hope that you will not think that these are monstrous feelings. No, we don't have MS like you and we know that you need love, help and support. Caregiving takes a toll, and it is not a toll that every human is up for.

[Jules A]

To the members of this messageboard who are struggling with MS and may have had to deal with separations because of it, I would hope that you will not think that these are monstrous feelings. No, we don't have MS like you and we know that you need love, help and support. Caregiving takes a toll, and it is not a toll that every human is up for.

Thanks for adding your insight and experience. You won't get any argument or judgement from me.