Hello Everyone,
My husband and I have been together for over 15 years. He was diagnosed with RRMS 5 years ago. He his physically able, but suffers from fatigue. He's taking his disease modifying drugs and quit smoking less than a yr ago. He is not working and I'm working two jobs to support us.
My biggest struggle are his mood swings. It depresses me. He gets angry and offended at the slightest things. He is paranoid that I'm cheating. He accuses me of being of disrespectful and unappreciative of his contributions. It's hard right now to appreciate his contributions because he's not working and does not take an active role in maintaining our living space or food prep. I've read that on a few message boards that people with MS feel unappreciated and I don't understand why?..(not to sound dis-compassionate). But why do I have to appreciate all that he has done in the past and while he can't appreciate what I'm doing to maintain our life.
In one breath, he can be livid and then in the next, he tells me he loves me and is so happy I'm his wife. When I don't respond favorably to his kind words, he takes offense. It difficult because I'm still stuck on the blow up and can't even hear the kind words. It's like living with Jekyll and Hyde. To save myself, I emotionally check out. I also try to stay busy and out of his way. I hate going home to him. I have no idea what mood he will be in. It's such an isolating feeling. I can't talk about it with friends and family because they won't understand and I don't want them to think less of him. I don't want them to judge him and think that he's a horrible person. He is not. This disease is changing him and killing our marriage.
He thinks I'm sneaky and looses his temper and starts yelling when he thinks I'm trying to manipulate him. If I mention that the MS is changing his moods, he takes it as a personal attack. If I call him out on something he said, he says I'm trying to use his MS against him. He criticizes me for not spending more time with him and doing fun stuff together. I am exhausted and when I do have time to myself, I certainly don't want to spend it with him because I constantly have to watch everything I say and do. Plus money is difficult right now. I maintain our finances and do some of the cooking (or order out if I don't have time to cook).
If I mention his getting back into the work force, he dismisses it. When I tell him ends aren't meeting he says "ok, it bothers me too...I know." If I push finances too much he thinks I'm holding it over his head that I make the money. If I ask too many questions about his job hunt, he thinks I'm micromanaging and condesending. If I take on more shifts to cover our expenses, he resents that I'm never home. When I stay home, we argue. I'd rather get 20 jobs to avoid his moods. I know it's bad because I should want to work through this with him, but I just can't go there with him. I can't afford the energy expenditure to engage him because I have too much work to do and I'm extremely sensitive.
When we interact with people, I am on edge because he is now particularly offended by most things that people say or do. He appears to takes most thinns as a personal attack on his character. From his perspective, he was passive before his diagnosis because he had a higher tolerance for people's rude behavior--now that he has MS, he's not going to let anything that anyone says slide. This means that anyone who is offensive must be addressed and called out for what they've said or done....
I am in therapy, he is not. Thankfully, we don't have kids, just a cat and I can't imagine what it would be like to add children into the mix. I am just really sad. I don't want to bail on our marriage, I believe in our vows but I can't take walking on eggshells. I can't take the fact that anything I say can get re-organized in his brain to be offensive to him. I can't take on the financial burden and the emotional toll. I have no idea where the man I married is within this disease.
I just want to throw in the towel and die. I am not suicidal I just feel that the walls are closing in and I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I were dead so I wouldn't have to deal. My therapist says that I'm only wishing that I'm dead because I don't have the skills to deal with my emotions. I do not have a plan to commit suicide, I just don't see how I can go on like this. Death seams like a better deal. When he was diagnosed, I was optimistic about learning as much as I could, doing the Swank diet, taking vitamins, performing self care, juicing, staying up on the latest etc.
None of that is possible when the person with MS is not a willing participant. It kills me to see him not exercising and not eating right. I resent having to work as much as I do when he is capable of working but is not being proactive about getting a job to help. I resent the fact that he expects me to want to spend time with him when his moods is in a constant state of offensiveness and rage. He yells at the top of his lungs about the smallest things and makes judgement on my character. I can't go on like this and I can't believe that this is my life. I can't believe that this is what God has planned for me. I can't believe that these are the cards we were dealt.
I empathize with his diagnosis and want to be as supportive as possible. But who will take care of me? How can I rationalize with someone who's brain chemistry makes them irrational? How can there be an end in sight when he doesn't even acknowledge that he has a mood problem. As far as he's concerned no-one is able to swallow the real him. The real him with MS. It's them not him.
I'm sooo sad. Other than getting him to seek therapy and urging him to pitch in. How do other people deal with this? How do caregivers get through this. How can I plan for a future?
Thanks,
My husband and I have been together for over 15 years. He was diagnosed with RRMS 5 years ago. He his physically able, but suffers from fatigue. He's taking his disease modifying drugs and quit smoking less than a yr ago. He is not working and I'm working two jobs to support us.
My biggest struggle are his mood swings. It depresses me. He gets angry and offended at the slightest things. He is paranoid that I'm cheating. He accuses me of being of disrespectful and unappreciative of his contributions. It's hard right now to appreciate his contributions because he's not working and does not take an active role in maintaining our living space or food prep. I've read that on a few message boards that people with MS feel unappreciated and I don't understand why?..(not to sound dis-compassionate). But why do I have to appreciate all that he has done in the past and while he can't appreciate what I'm doing to maintain our life.
In one breath, he can be livid and then in the next, he tells me he loves me and is so happy I'm his wife. When I don't respond favorably to his kind words, he takes offense. It difficult because I'm still stuck on the blow up and can't even hear the kind words. It's like living with Jekyll and Hyde. To save myself, I emotionally check out. I also try to stay busy and out of his way. I hate going home to him. I have no idea what mood he will be in. It's such an isolating feeling. I can't talk about it with friends and family because they won't understand and I don't want them to think less of him. I don't want them to judge him and think that he's a horrible person. He is not. This disease is changing him and killing our marriage.
He thinks I'm sneaky and looses his temper and starts yelling when he thinks I'm trying to manipulate him. If I mention that the MS is changing his moods, he takes it as a personal attack. If I call him out on something he said, he says I'm trying to use his MS against him. He criticizes me for not spending more time with him and doing fun stuff together. I am exhausted and when I do have time to myself, I certainly don't want to spend it with him because I constantly have to watch everything I say and do. Plus money is difficult right now. I maintain our finances and do some of the cooking (or order out if I don't have time to cook).
If I mention his getting back into the work force, he dismisses it. When I tell him ends aren't meeting he says "ok, it bothers me too...I know." If I push finances too much he thinks I'm holding it over his head that I make the money. If I ask too many questions about his job hunt, he thinks I'm micromanaging and condesending. If I take on more shifts to cover our expenses, he resents that I'm never home. When I stay home, we argue. I'd rather get 20 jobs to avoid his moods. I know it's bad because I should want to work through this with him, but I just can't go there with him. I can't afford the energy expenditure to engage him because I have too much work to do and I'm extremely sensitive.
When we interact with people, I am on edge because he is now particularly offended by most things that people say or do. He appears to takes most thinns as a personal attack on his character. From his perspective, he was passive before his diagnosis because he had a higher tolerance for people's rude behavior--now that he has MS, he's not going to let anything that anyone says slide. This means that anyone who is offensive must be addressed and called out for what they've said or done....
I am in therapy, he is not. Thankfully, we don't have kids, just a cat and I can't imagine what it would be like to add children into the mix. I am just really sad. I don't want to bail on our marriage, I believe in our vows but I can't take walking on eggshells. I can't take the fact that anything I say can get re-organized in his brain to be offensive to him. I can't take on the financial burden and the emotional toll. I have no idea where the man I married is within this disease.
I just want to throw in the towel and die. I am not suicidal I just feel that the walls are closing in and I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I were dead so I wouldn't have to deal. My therapist says that I'm only wishing that I'm dead because I don't have the skills to deal with my emotions. I do not have a plan to commit suicide, I just don't see how I can go on like this. Death seams like a better deal. When he was diagnosed, I was optimistic about learning as much as I could, doing the Swank diet, taking vitamins, performing self care, juicing, staying up on the latest etc.
None of that is possible when the person with MS is not a willing participant. It kills me to see him not exercising and not eating right. I resent having to work as much as I do when he is capable of working but is not being proactive about getting a job to help. I resent the fact that he expects me to want to spend time with him when his moods is in a constant state of offensiveness and rage. He yells at the top of his lungs about the smallest things and makes judgement on my character. I can't go on like this and I can't believe that this is my life. I can't believe that this is what God has planned for me. I can't believe that these are the cards we were dealt.
I empathize with his diagnosis and want to be as supportive as possible. But who will take care of me? How can I rationalize with someone who's brain chemistry makes them irrational? How can there be an end in sight when he doesn't even acknowledge that he has a mood problem. As far as he's concerned no-one is able to swallow the real him. The real him with MS. It's them not him.
I'm sooo sad. Other than getting him to seek therapy and urging him to pitch in. How do other people deal with this? How do caregivers get through this. How can I plan for a future?
Thanks,
Having this disease is not only hard on us, but also our loved ones. Marriage is hard enough without dealing with an illness, too. 
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