How 8 year old care taking of her mom will affect her future

[Jrasted79]

Back ground: I'm a 34 year old single parent and my daughter will be 8 in two weeks. I've been sick for 4 years and don't have any other real support system other than my daughter. We are pretty much on our own, no friends, only family around is my mom and she really doesn't too much to help other than watching Alyvia when I can't get home in time to get her from school.

I was blessed with a extremely well behaved child. I think in part to my illness, she is also very compassionate. She has helped me from the beginning but the past 2 years she has taken on a huge care taking role. I get worse every year.

A few examples of how she cares for me:

Helps me dress and undress.
Brushes my hair
Walks me around the house when I am too wobbly to walk on my own.
Sits in the bathroom while I shower in case I fall.
Gets me food and drink when walking is too hard.
Cleans up the house when I'm too fatigued or in pain.
She does all sorts of stuff throughout the day, put groceries away, picks up things I can't, every day she is helping me one way or another.
And the biggest thing is when I'm curled up in a ball crying in pain she jumps in my bed, rubs my head and back and asks what she can do to help. Heating pad, ice etc.
I try my best to hold back tears in front of her but sometimes it's plainly unavoidable.

Lately I have felt so bad for her having to do all of this. Although right now she seems to not be bothered by it at all and it seems to make her feel good about being able to help her mom but I'm afraid of what it's putting her through, because it can't all be good.

I got quite a few books that we have read together about mommy being sick to help her understand why things are the way they are. She seems to have a great understanding of my illness although sometimes I have to remind her when I am a little snappy, it's not her, it's just what pain does sometimes.

I try to do all I can so she isn't missing out in the important mommy daughter time and to make sure she has fun, we just have to improvise. We do a lot of crafts while I can be comfortable in bed at the same time. We look up stuff like crazy on my laptop when she is interested in new things. For her birthday in two weeks she's getting a sewing machine so I can teach her how to sew. She is real excited about that.

So all in all we have an EXCELLENT relationship and for that I'm very grateful.

I am just so worried that this will start to have a negative effect later in life for her. Is there something I should do differently now? What other options are there? I have looked into in home supportive services in my area but I don't qualify unless I get disability and I'm not approved for it yet. I also need a surgery that will leave totally disabled for at least 4 months so I can't even have that done because I wouldn't be able to get her to school.

I'm just looking for advice or to here from others in my situation that their children are in their teen years now to see how it affected them. Am I doing all or the best I can given the circumstances or what should I change?

Thanks everyone!

[jkforrest]

So very very sorry you are having to deal with this situation. I do not work nor have any help however, my dh is great to do what I can't and doesn't expect much from me so I am very lucky. I happened to watch a show on Dr. Phil of a teenager that had to start taking care of her mother at 8yrs old today. The family was a wreck and the daughter was, of course, very depressed regard all she had to do to help her mom thus LOSING her childhood.

I would recommend contacting the MS chapter in your area to see what help they could provide. Perhaps someone could come and help you make a weeks worth of meals on the week end you could just reheat. Or if you look on Pinterest you can find loads of crock pot meals you just cut and put in freezer bags then pop in crock each day. I think that would help.

What area are you in? I would be more than happy to help you. Note: I find that if I SIT all I can while cooking this helps (thus you could cook together).Plus if you could have ice chest/or dorm fridge you could have things at your fingertips and she would not have to Bring you things.

Get a seat for the shower and an alert necklace so she doesn't have to sit waiting for you. Try to find appliances (they have them at medical supply locations) that will help you to dress, comb hair, brush teeth etc. I found them during the Fibromyaligia dx.

Try to call your church or even ones you don't belong to and explain your situation and ASK if they have any volunteers there. Explain to your mom you NEED help with meals and cleaning. There are people in your area that would help if only you could get in touch with them.

You can see my location, if you are close let me know. I know currently your daughter seems not to mind, however, she WILL grow to dislike this role. Even grown adult spouses get caregiver burn out and sometimes resent what they have to do. For both your sake try to get her out of that role as much as possible.

I will reflect on this and research and see if I can come up with some other ideas. I DO realize asking for help is not easy but it will be a huge gift you can give yourself and your daughter and go a long way in letting her be JUST your daughter and you can both enjoy that relationship.

It does sound like you try to do what you can to enjoy however, her running to comfort you when you cry surely puts her in the caregiver role for sure. I know she loves her mom and doesn't want her to be in pain, however that is not her role.

I in no way mean to hurt your feelings but having had 17+ surgeries and numerous other things like insomina, migraines, fibro, ms yak yak yak yak I never ask my children to help me with anything and they still are overwhelmed just by the mere fact of hearing when I have had something done (BTW I rarely tell them unless the recoup time is going to have me down like knee replacements). Children of any age want to be that just children. They have their likes, friends, events, etc. they don't want to have to help their mom or dad all the time even more so when they are too young to voice their opinions.

I promise to try and research some ways to find you some help. Good luck and hopefully some of these ideas may help.

[Jrasted79]

Thank you so much for your input, advice, and suggestions. This has been weighing on my mind for quite a long time and I too saw that show today. That's what really made me reach out today and ask advice. =)

I have this stool that was my great grandmothers, I refinished it back when I was healthy and I'm sure glad I did. My grandmother was just gonna throw it away because it was in such awful shape but I knew I could make it beautiful again. Now that stool is a life saver. It is just the right height that I can sit at my kitchen counter and actually get more than 5 dishes washed! Lol Stuff like that I do myself as to not overwhelm her. She does offer to do them but I'm trying my best to keep up on my mom duties. I do know that emotionally I am giving her what she needs. We are super close. Everyone who gets to know us always comments about how nice it is to see what a close relationship we have and you don't see that as often as they'd like. My mom tells us jokingly to quit being so lovey and kissy but that's how we are. We are all we have.

I need to get better about the meals. I was doing great with that especially when she was younger. I used snack bags and sandwich bags like they were going out of style. It was a lot easier to keep snacks separated and easy for her to get too. I have been depending on a lot of microwave food but I would love to cook nice meals again and alyvia gets so excited when i do.

It's gonna be a little harder to do that now with my semester of school having just started. My one class a day WIPES ME OUT!! I'm useless when I get home. We can make nice meals a weekend special thing. Then we have all day to work on it if we need to.

I live in Landers, CA. Pretty far from you lol. It's a very small desert town. Only 2 paved roads, no signals just a few stop signs and grocery stores are about 45 minutes away. It's blessing and trouble at the same time because driving is so hard for me now, but at least I have peace and serenity out here. Its beautiful and every day is like Christmas, wether it's seeing all sorts of beautiful animals or a beautiful sunset and sunrise. I love photography so I can just sit on my porch and take amazing photos.

The real tough part is having to dive at least 2 hours to see any medical specialist and a 2 hour drive takes me around 3-4 hours cuz I have to pull over so much. I have driven off the roads few times when I was first starting to get trigeminal neuralgia. Now when that starts I don't drive until it goes away. It comes and usually sticks around for a few weeks and then goes away for awhile. I recently stopped taking neurontin also because it turned me into a zombie and I couldn't drive like that. It also made my depression ten times worse.

I think I'm getting off topic lol. One more thing though. Do you think I would be overreacting by getting her into counseling? One good thing about this area is that they seem to have really good mental health services. Maybe cuz there's so many crazies out here lol I just don't want to over react and do more harm than good. My mom says I would be over reacting but she has a lot of mental health stuff going on which she refuses to see anyone about so I take her advice with a grain of salt. I just want to supply my girl with as many tools that are available to her, to help her get through this with me.

I appreciate your time and advice.

[MSer102]

I'm glad you asked. It must have been difficult to do it, but it was necessary.

I have to agree that children lose their childhoods when they become caretaker to their parents or to anyone else. I don't know if there has been much research done on what happens to children who served as caretakers for parents with primarily physical health issues, but there has been a lot of research done on adult children of alcoholics. Children of alcoholics get pulled into being caretakers for the alcoholic parent and for other members of the family, including their siblings. And the research shows that it has a damaging effect on them, affecting their lives as adults, usually for the rest of their lives. People have only their childhoods to be innocent and carefree, and having that taken away from them can harm them forever. And that gets passed down to their children and their children after them.

So it's very encouraging that you are aware of the problems your child is facing. I agree that now is the time to look at your household routine and try to set your life up so you are as self-sufficient as possible so your child can see that she doesn't have to take care of you.

And somehow try to find some emotional support for yourself in other ways so she doesn't think it's her job to have to comfort you. Children need for their parents to be strong while they are young and vulnerable. So even if you have to lie to her about how you are feeling and fake being strong, it's important that you are the parent and not the submissive one who needs help. Then you can fall apart in front of someone else and get your emotional support there. That way you can both get what you need.

It won't be easy, but recognizing the issue is the first step in getting it resolved. I wish you and your daughter all the best as you work through this.

[Bobby72]

Hi from bobby and some answers

Ok I do understand and Speaking from experence is that yes in a way I did resent my fothers health and I did miss out on a lot but I also learned alot because he was sick I took care of him till he died when I was 17 till I was 20 when I was younger I was in a group home because my moms mental ilness and my dads drinking till I left to take care of him but it also helped me with my health anyways maybe you can try and get in home care thru aldoult servises they will pay for someone to help u at home u will need to get your doctor on board with this ok

[misslux]

You've received some excellent advice here already and that is great that you are recognizing these are issues before it can greatly impact your daughter's childhood.

I think getting her into counselling now is a great idea. It will give her a safe place to talk about things.

[Jrasted79]

Bobby is that you? JT Bobby? I went down to the office in Yucca Vly and they said I had to be on disability to get any help like that.

I go to therapy twice a week. Been doing that for two years now. At first I was afraid to go because I thought it would reinforce what my doctors said the first two years of being sick, that it's all in my head. But finally I realized I needed the help no matter what.

[Jules A]

I'm so sorry you don't have other help and appreaciate how close you are with your daughter but please, please find ways to ease the responsibilities she is being saddled with both emotionally and instrumental tasks. Although there are positives there is the possibility of many negative implications especially in areas of her personality development and future relationships.

A therapist would likely be most helpful for both you and your dear little girl.

There is plenty of information available including a study at the University of Alabama http://www.parentification.ua.edu/

try googling:

parentified children
parentification
parentification effects
parentification therapy

[Cat Mom]

Bless her heart! I think you will become closer to each other, unfortunately due to MS. Try to fit in some special time together devoted to her wants/needs. Something both of you can look forward to. Please keep us posted!
Jen

[heliotrope]

If you haven't already, you might consider reaching out to your daughter's school. They might have a suggestions for you... My biggest one is this - try to see if you can find a trustworthy adult for whom your daughter can be the child. Provide her with an extra emotional safety net. That may be a counselor, a teacher or simply a family friend. She knows you need her, and she won't want to let you down, even when she can't handle the situation. Best of luck

[Jrasted79]

Thanks for the info on the study. I've been searching for that kind of info forever but I guess I wasn't using the right words for the google search. On a happy note I am Surprising her with a trip to her great grandmothers. She loves it there, it's where we used to live and she can see her friends! It takes a huge toll on me just driving there but it's worth it to give her a break!

[jkforrest]

It seems like you got lots of info from others. I think if you could approach the counseling issue as this would be helpful: honey Mommy needs to talk to someone about adult things and you can talk to her (him) about things that are making you happy and things that are making you sad cause sometimes it makes people feel better to share things with other people.

Sounds like you ARE very close. Even though this is true we ALL know sometimes "our most favorite people" may say or do somethings that make us feel sad, hurt or mad and that is very normal for all people. We can even get mad or upset with our moms and dads and that's ok. We can share those feelings with the therpist. They will help us both to decide how we will deal with our feelings. Reassure her that you love her most in the world and it is ok to get mad about the MS that you both need to ask for help in figuring out the best way for EACH of you to deal with the things you are going through.

Sorry I don't have any more new info for you yet. Have you tried to call the local MS Chapter yet. They will be you be source of info. and possibly some of the equipment to help you dress by yourself. I think the help call necklace will be a great help if you can get that so you don't have her sit there while you bathe.

If you would like to have someone to talk to that understands, we could brainstorm re ideas you can figure out how to get in touch will each other. I'll be happy to be there for you. Just having another person that understand and you can talk to would help you I believe. Can't visit you right now but sure can call you or email if you wish.

I do intend to try to finds some more suggesting for you as I am able. Remember in the end the decision on what is best for you and YOUR child is up to you and only you not me your mom or anyone else. I am extremely proud of you for being aware enough to be concerned regarding your child's emotional well being. Many with this disease are only concerned with their needs so bravo to you for you insight and willingness to reach out for suggestions and information.

[MSW1963]

I agree with other posters about getting help with as much housework to ease the burden on both of you. Also agree with therapy.

I may have missed something, but I'm curious about close friends her age? I would encourage as much play time with friends her own age, bonding time with one of her peers.

My own daughter was 3yoa when I first got sick full time, 7yoa when I was dx and no longer able to continue working. I feel guilty about the consequences MS has had on our life, all the losses, etc.

I never allowed my daughter to pick up the slack in our house. Now that she's a young adult, I wish I had done more to 'share the burden' with her in terms of things that may have helped her with her sence of shared and personal responsibility. She's turned out to be a well adjusted, ambitious young woman, but a bit of a brat when it comes to compassion or her willingness to share any burden.

It's a difficult balance to strike just raising children in general. With a chronic illness, it sounds like your mommy intitution about her wellbeing, possibility of too much responsibility for an 8yr is a good sign that you are on task with your concern about long term effects on your sweet daughter.

None of us gets a free pass, a ticket to the 'charmed life' childhood is a fairy tale. We never know what good can result from adversity, even in childhood.

[tommylee]

So all in all we have an EXCELLENT relationship and for that I'm very grateful.

Your daughter is growing up in a home where she feels loved, valued, and respected. She will be more than fine. She will be outstanding.

Try to stop feeling bad. You are her mom and she feels loved. Your daughter has a nice home.

[jkforrest]

checking back in with you

Hi,
Jkforrest here again. Sorry I have been caught up here in new classes for some volunteer work and in MUCH physical pain due to painting two rooms (can't I say over doing yes) for my mom n law.

I have given it more consideration and want to touch base and see if you have found any help, therapy, choices or ideas you are trying.

I am VERY VERY proud of you and HAPPY that you are aware and care to protect your child with her childhood experiences. Just the FACT that you are aware will go far to help you both. Many parents are so consumed with their own pain, stress etc. they forget the adversities that can befall their children that are having to deal with the fallout due to chronic illness in one or both parents.

I just want to remind you that the mere fact you are reaching out and asking questions and for help is a good sign for both you and your daughter. The suffering in silence in not such a good plan for your child IMHO.

Please keep us posted on your progress in finding help as we do care. Remember if at first you don't succeed try try try again. This may be a two steps forward one step back kinda thing. Life is a journey not an immediate destination.