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    Is it responsible for me to want a baby?

    I was diagnosed at 25 after my first year in grad school, I began taking copaxone which turned into rebif which turned into betaseron (for reasons other than symptoms). I basically took my diagnosis and my meds and ignored everything else. My symptoms are changing. Used to be just numbness and tingling that moved around my body. Lately, I have, as best as I can describe it, a 'heavy' or tired right leg.

    I have read in many places that people with RRMS tend to progress to a progressive MS within or around 10 years. I am getting closer to that mark and am finally considering a family.

    I keep wondering if it is too late for me to have a baby. I am about to turn 34 and my eggs are getting dusty (sorry just how it goes in my head). My symptoms are getting to the point where I cannot ignore them anymore.

    Are there any women (or men) that have had to consider this and decided to try anyway? I would very much like to hear how these two events have changed your life.

    On the flip side, if you decided not to have children, can you tell me what pushed you to make that decision and how you see it now?

    #2
    Hi sarah123,

    Are there any women (or men) that have had to consider this and decided to try anyway? I would very much like to hear how these two events have changed your life.
    I was diagnosed at the age of 24 and had been married 4 years at that time. We wanted children, had always wanted children.

    Four years after my diagnosis we had our first child and 2 years after that we had our second.

    I have never regretted the decision to have children.

    The most difficult time for me was when I had an exacerbation when my children were 2 and 4 years old. As difficult as it was at the time I made it through the exacerbation and recovery the same as before having children.

    My children are now (almost) 22 & 24 years old.
    I have never regretted the decision to have children.

    Best wishes in whatever decision you make
    Diagnosed 1984
    “Lightworkers aren’t here to avoid the darkness…they are here to transform the darkness through the illuminating power of love.” Muses from a mystic

    Comment


      #3
      I'm in the minority of what you will read here but my husband and I made the decision not to have children largely based on genetic implications. The risk of passing along MS is significant imo and as someone who has seen how horrid MS can be it isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy let alone my own child or grandchild.

      I think it is also crucial to consider the financial aspects in case you eventually need to pay someone to care for you and your child. Being disabled is frightening enough but the thought of being disabled without the appropriate finances terrifies me.

      I have no regrets. We live a fairly stress free life, work too much but are able to save plenty, donate to charity and have two houses filled with critters we love.

      I really appreciate that you wanted to hear both sides. Best wishes with whatever you decide.
      He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
      Anonymous

      Comment


        #4
        As someone who was in your position a few years ago - mid-thirties, settled down and MS'ly - I can acknowledge that it is kind of selfish to want kids in our position. It's always a huge decision but there are so many more factors when you have MS.

        As always JulesA provides an awesome list of cons. I made a different choice than her, and have two beautiful boys because of it, but her concerns are solid. (In fact, I think we should put her opinions on the matter in a sticky thread at the top of this board).

        My opinion sounds incredibly smug, but I don't mean it to be so. I advise that your partner be helpful in the extreme, that you have a good extended support network and - here's the controversial part - have a good income.

        Good luck with your decision!
        Aitch - Writer, historian, wondermom. First symptoms in my teens, DX'd in my twenties, disabled in my thirties. Still the luckiest girl in the world.

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by Jules A View Post
          I'm in the minority of what you will read here but my husband and I made the decision not to have children largely based on genetic implications. The risk of passing along MS is significant imo and as someone who has seen how horrid MS can be it isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy let alone my own child or grandchild.

          I think it is also crucial to consider the financial aspects in case you eventually need to pay someone to care for you and your child. Being disabled is frightening enough but the thought of being disabled without the appropriate finances terrifies me.

          I have no regrets. We live a fairly stress free life, work too much but are able to save plenty, donate to charity and have two houses filled with critters we love.

          I really appreciate that you wanted to hear both sides. Best wishes with whatever you decide.

          There is much logic here but sometimes things don't follow our plans.

          My symptoms started in my mid 20's but did not become a father until my 30's. It was not planned. My wife and I had no intentions of having any children at all.
          I had a great high paying job and my wife was a flight attendant so we could travel and enjoy a fantastic exciting lifestyle and had great insurance and plenty of $$$

          Well we got pregnant and I my MS progressed to the point I had to quit working so hard.
          It has been stressful and a lot less comfortable. There have been many challenges and it has been very difficult but...
          Being a dad has been the highlight of my life. Our son is 17 now and he is a fine young man with fantastic opportunities ahead.

          Now I am broke. We still have our home and a rental property but everything else is gone and my retirement will be nothing like what I planned.
          I think it was worth it!
          My son was the best thing that ever happened in my life but he was never in my plan.

          I have dogs and cats. I have been in love and had many thrilling moments in my life but as I deteriorate and am forced to live more of my life in my head, the memories that stick in my head and bring me warmth are of simple moments just being dad.

          Sure there is the genetic threat of MS but so what? I have MS and I am still grateful for my life. It is a good life that is full of beauty in spite of the pain.

          Had life gone according to my plan I would be childless have a lot more money probably be divorced...and never known the fantastic joy of parenthood.
          It's not for sissy's but most great things in life come with great difficulty.

          Comment


            #6
            I am so glad I didn't have to make that choice. I am 37 and was just diagnosed last valentines day while my youngest of three was just 10 months old. The fear of them having MS and the feelings of guilt that they don't deserve to have a sick mom have been consuming me lately.

            But they are without a doubt the best thing to happen to me. They bring me so much joy and a desire to get up to enjoy life regardless of how crappy it seems today.

            It's a very personal decision and only you will know what is right for you. Yes we may have this heavy cloud of MS hanging over us but no one, no matter how rich or poor, or how healthy or sick, knows what tomorrow brings.

            Best wishes to you in whatever you choose!

            Comment


              #7
              This has turned into an excellent, thought provoking thread!

              So often, imo, there is little more than emotional cheerleading without logic ie. "Don't let MS rob you of anything else" and "the chance of inheriting MS is insignificant" etc. Rather than minimizing or ignoring I do think it is important to identify possible obstacles and prepare for them in advance when possible.

              Although we can not predict with 100% certainty what any of our futures will bring I do think it is important to make strategic plans. I enjoy logic, even when it is little more than my own personal version of flawed logic.
              He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
              Anonymous

              Comment


                #8
                Not a day passes when I don't worry about passing on my MS to my daughter. If my MS wasn't really "that bad" and I could still feel good enough to work and I still enjoyed holidays/vacations rather than dreaded them, I might be more open-minded.

                M.S. had been like this big, smelly goo that's mucked up my whole life. I am not a materialistic person, but besides this computer, I don't have much else! MS made my college degrees worthless. I am poor and trying my best to keep my gifted daughter from looking like the hobo who wandered out of the Salvation Army and into Middle School.

                When DD grows up, she is going to struggle with having bio children as well. We have MS in our family and I've proven that fact. As Michael J. Foxx said about Parkinson's, MS is the gift that keeps on taking! Not enough room on the Internet to tell you all what this "gift" has taken from my family!

                I know the need to breed is so hardwired into our brains that it is never easy for anyone longing for children to listen to what I have to say about this matter. My soapbox just got even bigger after my DNA test came back with 2 genes suspected as contributors to developing MS. Last I heard, there were 6 genes discovered in all and the research continues.

                I don't mean to offend anyone, but with 3 cousins, a mother, and me with MS (and now the scientific data slowly trickling in to back me up about MS and inheritance) I say make your decision very carefully.
                Tawanda
                ___________________________________________
                Diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 2004; First sign of trouble: 1994

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by Jules A View Post

                  Although we can not predict with 100% certainty what any of our futures will bring I do think it is important to make strategic plans. I enjoy logic, even when it is little more than my own personal version of flawed logic.
                  Jules A, you have wonderful logic.
                  I have great respect for opinion and enjoy reading your post's. (even when I don't agree with you)

                  I also gravitate towards logic. The logical answer is always the one I can wrap my mind around.
                  However logic does not leave much room for emotion.

                  People are emotional beings and emotions effect our choices.
                  Emotions can cause pain and stress that can be avoided with logic... But I have yet to meet Mr. Spock.
                  Mr. Spock has never felt love, joy, or euphoria. (the pleasure of life)

                  Logic will eliminate many problems but it can not fill the desires of our emotions.

                  Don't take this as "follow your heart" advise. (I think that is foolish)
                  My point is; people desire to feel something even if it includes pain. (we have emotions for some reason)

                  Logic is beautiful in its simplicity but a life commanded by logic alone does not sound very exciting or even human.
                  We all feel something.
                  Is not your drive to secure your future at the cost of today an emotional choice?


                  Our logic is flawed but our emotions are crazy.
                  Perhaps the human condition requires some balance and madness?

                  Is it logical to think we can suppress our emotions forever?

                  Comment


                    #10
                    JulesA you are absolutely right that it should not be taken lightly and I applaud your choice. That is what was right for you.

                    Like I said I am glad I didn't have to make that choice because I don't know what it would do. I am the only one in a huge family who has MS so I pray that I am a one off anomaly and not the start of generations of MS.

                    I guess my point was only the OP poster knows if she has the finances, and support system in my place, or how MS has affected her and other members of her family.

                    I have a friend struggling with fertility now for many years, I often find myself wondering why my 3 amazing, perfect kids were born to a defective mother and yet this seemingly healthy woman can't have kids. And then there is another friend whose 2 year old is going through testing because he is suspected of having a chromosomal issue, not genetic just a fluke, that will put him in a wheel chair by age 6 with a life expectancy of 12. Life can be cruel!

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by tommylee View Post
                      Jules A, you have wonderful logic.
                      I have great respect for opinion and enjoy reading your post's. (even when I don't agree with you)

                      I also gravitate towards logic. The logical answer is always the one I can wrap my mind around.
                      However logic does not leave much room for emotion.

                      People are emotional beings and emotions effect our choices.
                      Emotions can cause pain and stress that can be avoided with logic... But I have yet to meet Mr. Spock.
                      Mr. Spock has never felt love, joy, or euphoria. (the pleasure of life)

                      Logic will eliminate many problems but it can not fill the desires of our emotions.

                      Don't take this as "follow your heart" advise. (I think that is foolish)
                      My point is; people desire to feel something even if it includes pain. (we have emotions for some reason)

                      Logic is beautiful in its simplicity but a life commanded by logic alone does not sound very exciting or even human.
                      We all feel something.
                      Is not your drive to secure your future at the cost of today an emotional choice?


                      Our logic is flawed but our emotions are crazy.
                      Perhaps the human condition requires some balance and madness?

                      Is it logical to think we can suppress our emotions forever?
                      As usual, very interesting points. I don't think it means we have to throw away all happiness and desire in order to be strategic but I do believe logic really does need to win out over emotions in most instances. It is about self-regulation which Americans in particular seem to have a hard time with now. Haven't we previously covered our economy, the mortgage collapse, the obesity epidemic, etc?

                      And darn you Tommy Lee, now I have to mull over whether or not my obsession with working and saving money is based on emotion. Although it definitely meets an emotional need I believe it is a very sensible plan and in the best interest of myself and my family's future. That said I am making a concerted effort to increase fun things in my life, provided they fit in with my 50 hour work week, lol. As soon as I save up a down payment on an investment property at the beach I plan to slow down a bit, remind me of that when the time comes, will you?

                      Time will tell but I doubt I am going to be someone who wishes they didn't work so much when it is all said and done. Maybe I will but its more likely I'll be stubborn enough to deny it even if I do.
                      Be well, Jules
                      He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
                      Anonymous

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by Jules A View Post

                        And darn you Tommy Lee, now I have to mull over whether or not my obsession with working and saving money is based on emotion. Although it definitely meets an emotional need I believe it is a very sensible plan and in the best interest of myself and my family's future. That said I am making a concerted effort to increase fun things in my life, provided they fit in with my 50 hour work week, lol. As soon as I save up a down payment on an investment property at the beach I plan to slow down a bit, remind me of that when the time comes, will you?
                        Your workaholic attitude may be driven by fear? (an emotion)

                        My attitude of keeping fit eating right trying to preserve as much of me as long as possible and my refusal to sell any more of my time than I have to can be argued as a logical choice.
                        When my body fails me to a point that I cannot be independent I plan on letting myself die quickly. That is based on my own fear of dying crippled sitting in my own filth. (an emotional choice)

                        Sarah, there is no correct answer to your question.
                        If you go for it and have a baby you will be tied down for about 20 years. (they may be your last good years)
                        If you decide to stay childless you will have a lot more money and a lot more "me time".
                        In my life I have enjoyed the years of constant duty that comes with being a parent but it is not for everybody.

                        Jules- If I were in your shoes my logic would tell me to sell everything buy that beach property cash and live a fun but frugal life enjoying your time with your husband and pets while you are still fit in a vacation like setting....but I suppose that stems from my fear of a long drawn out exit from this world? (Thinking grab the fun while you can)

                        Sarah I am sure nothing I have said is helpful but selfish does not apply to this choice.
                        IMHO having a child or not is not a selfish choice, it is just a life choice.

                        This has been an interesting thread. Thanks!

                        Comment


                          #13
                          truly stated

                          The idea of having a baby is a personal choice. End of discussion, on that point.

                          Very good discussions on the responsibility of having a child or not.

                          Both sides have some good points and that can help with the personal choice.

                          You never know what tomorrow brings. That, too, can help in the decision making.

                          My career has been ended, but, thankfully I planned well and get 70% of my pay. This is a benefit that my work offered.

                          My children have gotten everything that they need and some of what they want. There are easy ways to be thrifty. My children have also learned quite well about being humble and helping those in need. Even if this need is not visible. The lessons that they are learning is invaluable.
                          God Bless and have a good day, Mary

                          Comment


                            #14
                            My experience

                            I'm 28 and have a daughter who is about to turn 2. I have RRMS but it's very aggressive. Right now, I'm good but I've definitely had my up's and down's along the way. Having a child was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I don't know what I would do without her. I think it's a personal decision whether or not you want to have children. For me, I wanted to have children and I don't think it was selfish at all.

                            Anything can happen to anyone at any second during our lifetime. I truly feel like you can't live your life with the "what if's" all of the time. You can go out, get in your car and have a wreck and your life can be over. Does that mean we don't need to drive? No.

                            If you want to have children, I say go for it...if you don't, then don't. It's completely up to you! God tells us He will never give us more than we can handle and although it's hard to remember that sometimes, I believe it. It will always work out in the end.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Diagnosed while pregnant

                              I didn't have to face this dilemma before having my son because while I had symptoms before I fell pregnant I wasn't diagnosed until I was 20weeks along. My husband and I have discussed if we had known earlier would we still have tried for a baby and we both agreed 'yes' because we couldn't imagine life without a child.

                              Now I am faced with the agonising decision of if we should try for another... We have always wanted two kids but I have fears about the toll a second pregnancy would have on me. When pregnant with my son I had an attack that affected sensation, hearing, and strength in the left side of my body. Then 6 weeks after giving birth I had a post partum attack that left my legs very weak and wobbly.

                              So with the 'souviner' symptoms of variable wobbly gait and leg weakness I am conflicted with feeling selfish for thinking I can't do it again, and then feeling I would regret not at least trying for another...

                              I am on Copaxone purely because we know it's safe to continue taking while trying for a baby. However I'm not sure it is effective for me... So the decision to try for another baby may be somewhat taken out of my hands if I have to switch to tsybri.

                              Pregnancy is not supposed to negatively affect the course of MS. Who knows, I could have had the same attacks had I been pregnant or not...

                              In the end it's entirely a personal decision. Knowledge is power, so do some research to help you come to the decision you will be at peace with.

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