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When MSer is caregiver for someone else?

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    When MSer is caregiver for someone else?

    I see comments about caregiving that provide great insights on the challenges of the role, but I haven't seen my situation arise yet and I could use some help.

    I was dxed earlier this year. As of now, I am asymptomatic RRMS. So my daily functions aren't affected, but I do have flares and pseudoexacerbations. Even the symptoms associated with those, though, are pretty minor aside from mobility. I've been very lucky.

    It's become clear over the last few months, though, that my husband can no longer independently care for himself due to depression. He is getting medical treatment and talk therapy, but he's at the point again where he doesn't think he can work. Even if we find the right combo of meds for him to try to function again, it likely won't be before he loses his job and we lose our home. This will be the second job he's lost for similar reasons. He's 30 and has a long time to go before retirement. He has no retirement savings and about 100K in student loan debt from professional school.

    I'm going to be honest - I'm scared. I can't see being the only breadwinner for our family forever. We don't have children (we were actually planning to have them, but I can't see that happening with both of us in these circumstances), so we don't have more dependents to be concerned with now. Part of me wants to divorce, frankly, because I can't see our life scenario working out. But I am also aware of how many people are unfairly dumped by spouses due to disability.

    It's been a hard year

    #2
    Originally posted by abeautifullife View Post
    Part of me wants to divorce, frankly, because I can't see our life scenario working out. But I am also aware of how many people are unfairly dumped by spouses due to disability.

    It's been a hard year
    This is a tough deal.
    Do you burn yourself up taking care of a depressed spouse or do you save yourself while you can?
    Divorce may push your husband into a deeper depression.
    Staying with him may push you into depression.

    There is no "moral high ground" here but you should probably push for some action before you consider a child. Once you have a child together you are connected forever.

    As an uninformed person that is completely ignorant of your particular situation, my knee-jerk response to your post is ; Save yourself while you can. People who suffer from depression tend to be depressed. It takes a very giving understanding person to live with that. Not all people can take that on. I would bet most cannot?
    If this situation is hard on you now, How will it be in five or ten years?

    Not advising you to divorce but asking you to picture your future together then decide if it could work for you.
    Don't forget, You have value too. If you see a good life together, stay. If you see the life of a martyr, maybe you should get out?

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      #3
      Speaking only for my self I had no intention of being a caregiver for anyone even before MS but especially now that I have it.

      DH and I will support each other in our home as long as possible but neither of us will be responsible for providing the care that a professional needs to be hired to provide if/when the time comes. I'm working like a fiend to ensure that I can pay to have whatever level of care I might require in the future.
      He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
      Anonymous

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        #4
        I have to say that I never saw myself as a caregiver either.
        I was dx'ed with RRMS about 20 years ago, and am still pretty much NOT in need of anyone to care for me. My husband and I married after him seeing me in a relapse, and after I made sure that he understood as much as possible about what could happen to me with MS.

        DH has been insulin dependent diabetic for around 20 years also. In the past 5 years he has totaled 2 vehicles due to low blood sugar levels. But in his / our minds he would have been the one taking care of me (my illness being so much worse than his ). But as fate so often deals the cards I am now more his caregiver than he is mine.

        Not easy for either of us, but just being in this situation has given us a much better understanding of how to deal with living with someone who needs help at times, and how to overlook the small stuff. He doesn't get offended if i freak if I cannot reach him on the phone (forgot to charge phone before going to work) because he has not been able to get in touch with me at times either (i was napping and didn't hear the phone). We realize it is the concern we have for each other that causes the worry.
        Yes we get on each others last nerve at times but life is good for us right now. Hope you can find the right thing for yourselves.

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          #5
          My husband has had 3 very serious illnesses. Twice it was cancer. The other time it was a career-ending illness. We are older and able to retire, so it's not as scary as your situation.

          I hope you've talked with someone to evaluate how much of your thinking is really coming from fear. When you say that you can't see your life scenario working out, it sounds like you are trying to get a clear vision of exactly what the future will be. And based on that, you'll decide whether to stay or go.

          Think like you are, but do it from his perspective. He has depression that's so bad he can barely function. And when he thinks of a future with you, he sees nothing but physical and possibly mental decline. He sees first a cane, then a walker. Maybe a wheelchair and a hospital bed in the living room. He sees medical expenses that could break him. He sees other couples retiring together and traveling. He sees himself struggling with a wheelchair in doctor's offices parking lots. He sees himself doing all the household chores, shopping, etc. he sees his later life filled with care-giving until he's so old that he has nothing but his own, eventual decline left to look forward to. And, since he's already sick, he's wondering if you don't deserve someone better than himself, which makes him more depressed.

          I guess I'm saying that the possible very scary future we MS we present to our SO isn't so hot. And I'm saying that it's all speculation.

          Let love be your guide. If your life story was ready to be filmed, how would you write this scene?

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