Dealing with a spouse that don't understand

[pmtrk1790]

I have been dx'd for nearly two years now, but I don't think my wife really understands the troubles I have. Example: just last night we go to bed and the air is running and it is nice and cool. I cover up and feel fine. I wake up this morning and the heat is jacked up because she is a little cool. Heat is one of my big issues and she knows it. I woke up knowing I had gotten too hot. Felt terrible all day. I mentioned it and she says she don't think that was it, I was just having a bad day. I can't make her understand anything about it. What do you do???

[22cyclist]

pmtrk1790: I am sorry your wife just doesn't get it. Sometimes our loved ones are afraid of the whole thing and just run away from it, purposefully. Has she gone to any of your neurology appointments with you? If not, it would be a good idea to take her with you to one. Secondly, you could get her a book to read on MS. Go to your local bookstore and try to find a small one, its less intimidating than the giant books on MS, and usually has the same info just condensed. It will cover heat intolerance, fatigue etc. She really needs to "get" this disease.

My mom still has no idea what this disease is about...ignorance is bliss I guess. I gave my grandmother a book to read about it. It sits nicely on her shelf. Same thing. If I don't know about it, its not happening.

Hopefully your wife will open her eyes, read about the disease, your marriage will be better, and your life will be better.

Buy her some warm PJs, and some warm slippers.

Take care,
Lisa
Moderation Team

[pmtrk1790]

Thanks for the advice, I can't get her to read anything and I have mentioned to her about getting on this web site, no luck. If I say I am tired, her reply most of the time is "Why are you tired??" "You need to get up and get out and walk more" I have been trying to go to school from home and it takes me longer on some of the work than normal, just because of the having to read some things a couple times to get it. My daughter is at school all day and I always get the response, "I don't see why it takes you all day to do homework." It is like she don't believe me when I say what is bothering me. Makes me want to beat my head on the floor lol Just had to get it off my chest

[MSer102]

I'm so sorry you are going through this with your wife. But if it has been 2 years since your diagnosis and you still can't get her to read or understand anything about MS then I'm afraid it doesn't look good. Her actions show that she's more concerned about herself than she is about you.

I think that a spouse is the only person who is obligated - by marriage vows if nothing else - to try to understand MS and make allowances for it. Your wife's actions show that she isn't interested. A lot of people will say that spouses who act like your wife is acting is only doing it because she love you so much that she just can't bear to recognize that something is wrong with you so she deals with it by denial. Personally, I don't give people that much credit. If your wife was really concerned about you she wouldn't be acting so thoughtlessly.

You can't change anyone but yourself. You can influence what your wife does by what you do, but you can't change her. She has to want to change.

This sounds harsh, but since your wife is ignoring what you've told her you need, the only chance I see for you as a couple is for you both to get into marriage counseling so a neutral 3rd party counselor can help her "see the light".

Don't be surprised if she won't go to counseling because she says that you are the one with problem, not her. In that case I think you should go to counseling/therapy without her to see why or whether you would want to stay in a marriage with someone who seems to have no interest in being a partner with you.

More than 50% of marriages break up and one of the reasons is that at least one of the spouses is too emotionally immature to deal with real life and what it means to a marriage. So I hope you don't think that MS "ruined" your marriage. MS only brought out your wife's true personality -- and yours.

So marriage counseling will tell you if your wife really wants to be a wife to you and is willing to compromise to save your marriage. If she isn't and doesn't put your well being higher, then you can ask yourself the question that Dear Abby (or was it Ann Landers?) used to ask: Are you better off with her or without her? Then you'll know what you should do. I'm sorry this happened to you and I wish you all the best.

[gbash]

Wow, be careful of what advice you follow. Throwing away a marriage simply because your spouse isn't fully empathetic to your plight would be a shame. Yes, seek counseling and work through this issue. Marriage isn't for wimps: it takes commitment and work. It's all part of the "for better or for worse."

[Fed Up]

Wow, be careful of what advice you follow. Throwing away a marriage simply because your spouse isn't fully empathetic to your plight would be a shame. Yes, seek counseling and work through this issue. Marriage isn't for wimps: it takes commitment and work. It's all part of the "for better or for worse."

MS102 didn't say toss out the marriage. Basically said, 'It takes two' and decide what you are willing to 'put up with.' A therapist can help one adjust to being in a loveless marriage, if that is what one chooses! fed

[tommylee]

MS102 didn't say toss out the marriage. Basically said, 'It takes two' and decide what you are willing to 'put up with.' A therapist can help one adjust to being in a loveless marriage, if that is what one chooses! fed

Very well said.
I think MS102 was trying to say if she does not get it yet she probably does not want to understand.

The room temp problem is easy to fix, sleep in different rooms. (that is what I do.)
But I get the idea that pmtrk1790 is lamenting about more than sleep?

He seems to be alarmed at that lack of understanding and care he receives from his wife???
If that is the case... you have to decide if you can accept this and live with her or not.

It is possible that pmtrk's wife is a selfish (me first) type of person.
She actually may be oblivious to pmtrk's struggles. (many people are not capable of compassion)
If that is the case she will probably never change. pmtrk may have to decide if he can live with the lack of concern or not.


I have no training and claim no expertise in any area.
I have however lived with MS for almost 20 years and have been married for 25 years.

My wife does little to nothing to care for me and the idea of having to depend on her for my care scares the crap out of me.
She still wants to spend every vacation sitting on the beach in the sun. (she cannot understand heat and sun actually hurt me)
I take good care of myself but I am aging and progressing and can see the time of needing more help on the horizon.

I would love to tell you it will get easier but from my experience it does not.
You just have to figure out how you want to live with it.

Best wishes Brother, As Bill Clinton used to say " I feel your pain."

[Jules A]

My wife does little to nothing to care for me and the idea of having to depend on her for my care scares the crap out of me.

I take good care of myself but I am aging and progressing and can see the time of needing more help on the horizon.

I would love to tell you it will get easier but from my experience it does not.
You just have to figure out how you want to live with it.

Interesting reflection TommyLee and great to "see" you!

I think it is important to plan for the worst case scenario. Personally I would not be comfortable waiting around for my MS to get to the point where I would be dependent on someone who either can't or won't be capable of caring for me.

In my marriage I make sure I always have access to more than enough money to dictate my level of care for when the time comes. The thought of being dependent on someone terrifies me.

I hate MS.

[tommylee]

In my marriage I make sure I always have access to more than enough money to dictate my level of care for when the time comes. The thought of being dependent on someone terrifies me.

I hate MS.

That is the rub. I was always the money maker, my wife the spender. Problem is I don't bring in the money I used to but she can't stop spending.
It is like an addiction for her and the stress of it really sucks to live with.

You frequently have shrewd advise... got any for me???
I feel like I am going to have to decide to divorce or live with financial stress forever.

[Marco]

Multiple Sclerosis is difficult enough with a completely supportive wife. I can only imagine how difficult it is with a less than supportive spouse. Based on your story I thought you might be rather young, but we are about the same age. I understand your example to be a symptom and not the real problem you are dealing with. Regardless, I am sorry to hear about your situation and hope it improves quickly.

Like MSer102, I believe you need to get counseling from someone that believes in the institution of marriage. There are counselors that spend more time discussing divorce than challenging you to work on your marriage. You may need to go alone initially and find out what this person is about. You need someone that is going to challenge you both in your marriage and not see divorce as option. Divorce is not an option until it is. If she won’t go with you, then you need to go alone. If money is an issue, check for a community counseling service with a sliding-fee scale, or maybe a local church or social worker.

Short of a counseling service, here are a few thoughts that came to mind when reading your post and the responses to it.

As a general rule, I believe that your love can help motivate her response. If she is feeling unloved or that her needs are disregarded then her response will overall be muted.

Is this the only area where she seems to not have your back or be on your side? A different way to ask that is your wife intentionally remaining in denial over your MS?

Just remember while we exchange those vows “for sickness and health” they are said during a celebration and neither of us really considers the true heft of those words. They are often said as part of a “tradition” and IT won’t happen to either of us. Being diagnosed with a chronic illness is difficult and both parties need time to grieve at their own pace. Sometimes one of the two wants to remain in denial and may need a little encouragement or a big, giant, kick in the … errr ... let’s remain with the “little encouragement.”

How often do you talk to her about MS?
Has your MS completely created a restrictive environment for your home and lifestyle? Examples: You cannot turn up the AC. You cannot eat this. We cannot go there. You have to handle this. I cannot handle that.Help me with this, help me with that.

What are you doing to show her you are still her husband? Do you have date nights? Read her a book? Help her apply foot lotion? When is the last time you watched your wedding video or recited your vows?
My wife loves our wedding like I never could. She likes reliving it and knowing that I would remarry her today and every day. Her love language is “words of encouragement” so she is encouraged by the words and the memories. I do not have this need, but I do find when her needs are met more of mine are too.

You expect her to help you (AC temperature, blanket situation or whatever). Do you do anything completely for her that is within your capabilities? There are times I have become my wife’s assistant and try to help her accomplish things she wants. For example, if she’s out of a makeup thing-a-ma-gig and doesn’t feel like going inside Ulta or whatever. I will have her drive me and I will go in (cane or walker) so she doesn’t have to go in. She knows I hate Ulta (just like the next guy) and that it takes substantial effort for me to go into the store, but I do it to help her. She understands this as a sign of my love for her and most women naturally reciprocate love for love.

What peer support do you use or is everything you have to put off fall upon her? What outside connections do you and she maintain? Does she ever get out with girlfriends or have alone time?
Over time, try to be creative and use other outside resources instead of dumping everything on her. I am no longer permitted to drive so I use public transportation when possible and I have a neighbor that gives me weekly scheduled rides. I have a male lay minister that spends 1 hour with me a week so I can offload on him instead of my wife. Maybe you could completely take care of your daughter every other Tuesday so she can go to the Bible study or take a relaxing bath or whatever she wants to do. Invite her mom/sister or whatever to come spend a long-week with you. I encourage my wife to call “friend x,” or go to a movie with “friend y.” As an extrovert, I know she needs this time to recharge. Being cooped up all day in this house all day with me would drive me nuts too!

Is there a possibility that she is depressed and without medical treatment? There isn’t a need for you to divulge her medical situation to us. Just a question to ensure she isn’t in need of medical treatment that is going unmet.

MS is progressive so the problems you are having today will most likely be escalated in the future. I'm glad you reached out for community support and I hope you have not been disappointed. Having a successful marriage requires work and a lot of it, but it's worth it.

I believe the most appropriate place for you to work on your issues is with a professional marriage counselor. In the meantime, I am challenging you to contemplate her needs and ensure her needs are being met and she feels fulfilled. If not, talk to her about her needs and see what she may be wanting or needing from you. After typing all of this, I feel convicted of not being husband enough to my own wonderful wife.

[Jules A]

That is the rub. I was always the money maker, my wife the spender. Problem is I don't bring in the money I used to but she can't stop spending.
It is like an addiction for her and the stress of it really sucks to live with.

You frequently have shrewd advise... got any for me???
I feel like I am going to have to decide to divorce or live with financial stress forever.

Not sure, this is complicated especially because you share a child with her and of course that is the most important consideration.

Would you be better off financially if you divorced at this point? Dividing up assets while you still have some might be a better idea then waiting until there is nothing and you are totally dependent on someone who doesn't sound very nurturing. Maybe talk to a financial adviser?

Keep in mind I tend to be a bit paranoid about finances. DH and I joke that its a good thing I'm not a housewife because I'd be embezzling from the household expense account. Thankfully I was older when I was diagnosed and already had my finances and investments in decent shape because this is scary stuff. My heart breaks when I hear about people who are struggling to live on disability and can't afford to purchase the basics.

[MSer102]

I feel like I am going to have to decide to divorce or live with financial stress forever.

Except that financial stress isn't just financial stress. It's life stress that permeates everything. Including your health. Including your children. Even your dog.

I like the saying "plan for the worst and hope for the best". If you have the health and resources now to get into counseling and start planning how to live the rest of your life, including worst case, now might be a good time to take advantage of that.

[tommylee]

[QUOTE=Jules A;1429480]Not sure, this is complicated especially because you share a child with her and of course that is the most important consideration.

Would you be better off financially if you divorced at this point? Dividing up assets while you still have some might be a better idea then waiting until there is nothing and you are totally dependent on someone who doesn't sound very nurturing. Maybe talk to a financial adviser?


Not sure how complicated it is now. Our son in a senior in high school this year and will be off to college next year.

A counselor seems to be a waste of time in our case. (been there done that no change.)

Like you, I was blessed to make some big money while I was young. By the time I was forced to retire at 35 (in my prime earning years)we had over 500k in investments besides our house. Not a fortune but a very good start.
My DW struggles with acceptance and rather than jumping in to help she went into a long time of doing nothing. (accept shopping and going out to eat with friends.)

I sought advise from a counselor and a family lawyer, they both urged me to divorce. However our son was young at that time and I knew my wife could not take care of anybody at that time. (if I do not make dinner and do all the cleaning and upkeep we would starve to death in a messy dump.)
MS had ruined my career but I was still in a position to provide our son a stable home and stay in the excellent school system he is in if I was willing to sacrifice everything for it... which is what I did.

Now accept for the house and a rental property everything is gone but our son is grown and totally kicked arse on the ACT and SAT tests and college prospects are looking fantastic for him.
He is an outstanding young man that works about 30 hours a week while taking whole pile of AP classes. He pays for his own car, gas, personal expenses... he is doing fantastic and is quite independent.

I don't really mind being poor. (I am not really attached to material things) But I like to know I can pay my bills and buy groceries and I like to sleep at night.

My Dw's spending habits have not changed but she got a good job a few years ago and makes a twice the money I do on disability but I still pay 2/3 of all household expenses. She refuses to see how her spending habits hurt the whole family.

I am sorry to admit your idea of splitting now while I can still exit with enough money to buy a humble place to live before I am completely broke and destitute may be a good idea.

Our son is a man now and can't wait to be out on his own. (I was the same way)

Now that she has a good job (that she does very well) she can afford to live without my assistance. Since she spends most of her income on herself, the loss of her income will not hurt me much.
I still love her but I don't think it is good for me to stay with her. Love does not pay the bills and the unnecessary financial stress is very hard on me. One way or another there are big changes on the horizon.

It is difficult to, " hope for the best / plan for the worst." when planning for the worst includes breaking up my family.
Still, in the back of my mind I know I will have to rip that Band-Aid off very soon.
I do not think she a capable of taking care of me should I deteriorate to a point that I need help.
The idea of being broke and helpless is frightening.

Life keeps moving along. Keep marching or get trampled.
Thanks for reading and any input or thoughts.

[AlaskaAnn]

Some spouses check in when their loved ones are dx'd and some check out. I am sure she has no real clear understanding of what ms is and what you go through. Especially since there are good times then bad times for you. If she doesn't get it, how does she know you aren't faking?

My dx'd ex just told me three weeks ago at a party we were both at that he should have learned something 20 years ago. I didn't understand it until my hubby (married 16 years now, together 19) pointed out that my dx'd was 20 years ago.

Life does go on and marriage is serious but life is more important then the marriage. I do still love my ex but I never wonder if my husband today loves me.....that's life.