Angry

[thinkpositively]

My fiance has MS and right now it is full blown. He is not doing well and waiting to see his MS doctor so he can get put on a new MS medication. He recently tried a new pill but was very allergic to it.
When his MS is bad he gets very nasty and angry. My sister heard him the other day and doesn't understand why I am with someone who abuses me. He doesn't abused me and is very nice when his MS isn't so bad.
Anyone else deal with this and have any suggestions for me? Thank you in advance.

[SNOOPY]

Hi thinkpositively,

Anger can hide a lot of other emotions (fear, uncertainty, frustration). Anger is just easier for many people to deal with than those emotions that are underneath.

If he only get angry when is MS flares up then I wonder if he is dealing with those other emotions and doesn't really know how to express his emotions or fears being vulnerable.

The other thing that comes to mind is:

Is he using steroids to treat his MS? Steroids can cause mood changes, anger being one of those. It's called "roid" rage.

[MSer102]

MS is a terrible disease and nobody can be prepared for the havoc it wreaks. But it's also not an excuse for someone to rage out of control no matter how bad things get.

That kind of anger is going to get really old and hard for you to deal with in the future. If you think your fiance's behavior is bad now when he has a flare just wait a couple more years. It will be 10 times worse because by then it will become standard operating procedure for him. You have a picture now of how your husband reacts to stress. As time goes on it probably won't be just the MS flares that set him off. It could be ANYTHING no matter how trivial and he'll be conditioned to think that it's OK to take it out on you. You'll be posting in a forum about how mean your husband is to you and you can't take it anymore and what can you do.

Even with new medications MS is a chronic and progressive disease. There will probably be bad times over and over again. So in spite of his disease and the excuses your willing to make for him he has to learn how to manage his anger. First off the anger and stress are bad for him. Second they're bad for you.

The best thing you can do for him is to get him into therapy with a mental health professional ASAP so he can learn constructive ways to vent his anger and adapt to his challenges. MS is a long hard road. If your fiance already can't handle his flares he's going to be in a lot more trouble before too much longer. So he might as well get started with therapy right NOW.

And you would do well to go to counselling yourself to find ways to deflect his anger and support him. You can also explore how devoted you are to putting up with anger and verbal abuse for the rest of your life with him. A few more flares with raging anger are going to wear you down and wear you out no matter how good your intentions are. You won't be able to support him if you don't have a system in place for protecting yourself from the vileness and negativity.

The point about steroids is a good one. But it still isn't an excuse for your fiance to rage at you. I learned how to control my emotions on steroids so he probably can learn how too. Therapy will help him. And his doctor can prescribe other medications during steroid treatment to help with his emotional control. Some people even get put into the hospital for steroids if they become enraged or psychotic from them (it happens).

There's no reason for you to just stand by and think that that much anger is OK "because he has MS" and is very nice the rest of the time. It will only take a few more episodes like that to break both of you.

So please do everything you can to get your fiance and yourself into counselling ASAP. If he won't go then please go yourself because there are many many issues going on that you might not be aware of or aren't willing to face that will take you down if you don't. I wish you both all the best.