I'm at witt's end with my mother...

[Fayluminous]

I don't know where to go from where I'm at, and I needed to find a place where people might be able to relate or offer advice.

My mother was diagnosed with MS quite a few years back(she's also bipolar), and it has gotten progressivly worse with time. She's not yet in a wheelchair, but she has trouble moving.

Honestly the most troubling thing that's been affecting our family for the longest time now is how she's been acting. I understand that living with MS is not a good quality of life, but is also not a carte blanche(Not sure how to say in english) to treating your family in an ill manner.

My mother started using marijuana to medicate the pain since all of the medications perscribed aren't working to top effiency, but there is nothing more anyone can do. From here it has went downhill.

Let me simply list off what is affecting our family. It'll be easier.

- She doesn't leave the house(or even step outside on our beautiful property) hardly ever. She used to get out for a small walk or just to sit on the porch, but not anymore.

- She constantly abuses my dad emotionally, orders him around, and if he tries to assert himself it just gets worse. My father has more or less given up on her and accepts that things won't change.

- She smokes marijuana and hash oil day in and day out. At first it helped the pain, but she admitted to me sometimes it hurts her more to do it, and so I don't understand why she keeps it up. My sister is having a baby in September, and my mother want's "to be a good grandmother". She bought some marijuana and said it would be her last(2 days ago), but she's bought more, and more, and is showing no real signs of stopping.

- My father and I can't remember the last time she's slept in bed. She passes out on the couch, the toliet, and sometimes even falls off in the middle of the night. She's simply not taking care of herself.

- She's alientating everyone who only want to help her, and is driving me away. Events in my life led me into drug abuse and for a few years my parents where very worried about me, and when I first came back to live with them getting help she was so carring and happy. Now it's like she's taking me for granted because I'm getting my life together.

I don't know what else to say. I just don't know what to do anymore. I tried calmy telling her how it was affecting me, and then I blew up at her. I know it was wrong but I'd held in my feelings for a year or more. NOTHING we do or say or convey through words or actions makes her see the truth.

I just....I need to know what I can do. Agencies I can call to do something about all of this. She's clearly not taking care of herself, and I think time away from the house in psychiatric care to help her regain some clarity would help, but...I just don't know what resources I have to work with.

Please, Please help...I just want our family to heal.

[MSer102]

I'm sorry your family is having such a crisis. My heart goes out to you.

Unfortunately, your family situation isn't unique. If you read through MS boards you'll find letters similar to yours about a family member with MS who has gone off the deep end.

Also unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do for your mother that won't involve some kind of force. You've already tried to be reasonable but you found out that you can't reason with irrational people.

There aren't any agencies who can help your mother if she doesn't want to be helped. I think the first thing you should try is to get her doctor to intervene - whether its her neurologist or her psychiatrist. I know that she probably won't go to her doctor. But maybe you can find out who her doctor used to be and take a video of your mother to that doctor and see if he or she can get her some psychiatric help. You might even have to have her involuntarily committed for a few days to break her cycle.

I think you know that whatever you do won't be easy. Smoking marijuana for pain relief is one thing. What your mother is doing is something else entirely. You will need to get professional help in how to stop your mother from getting her hands on her marijuana and hemp oil because she's clearly out of control with it. As long as you allow her to bring it into your house she will continue to do what she's doing.

In the meantime I think you and your father should start getting counseling to learn how to remove yourselves from your mother's abuse. Your father really needs support right now too. I think the other person who really needs help is your father. He's backing down because its easier but that's only enabling your mother to abuse him more. It sounds like asserting himself isn't the answer. It sounds like the best way to stop being abused is to just physically leave the room and stay away from her as long as she's out of control. I hope you and your father can get help in learning how to stop being victimized by your mother's illness and her behavior.

You have done the right thing by reaching out for help. Please start with one of your mother's doctors to see about getting her psychiatric help. In addition to that your local MS Society Chapter or one of the mental health associations like the National Alliance on Mental Illness (http://www.nami.org) might be able to give you some guidance.

You are in for a long process so please get help for yourself and your father and stay strong. I wish you all the best.

[Fayluminous]

Thank you for your response. I'm currently(Supposed to be) on a waiting list to see someone who specialzes in Adult ADHD(I've had it since I was a child) who also handles Bipolar and other forms of mental illness. I need to call back as I got rather horrible treatment from the secretary who wanted to send me to a private clinc 2 hours away in a bigger city rather then accept my refferal.

Other then that how do I find a qualified professional to take my case? As a teenager my parents handled this for me, but I don't know how to handle these things as an adult.

I will do my best to convince my father to seek professional help, but I doubt he will do so. He himelf is also disabled(long term), and has his own host of problems to work through. This also puts me in a bad position because even if I wanted to leave(Not enough savings/Stability yet) I feel like I can't possibly leave my father alone trying to care for my mother.

The person she gets her marijuana from locally is a good friend of mine whom also sold to me when I was using it. I'm going to be talking with him, and asking him not to sell to her anymore. The other person is an old friend of my father's, and I have no domain over that unless my father agrees to refuse driving out to get it for her. I've asked him but like I've mentioned he's afraid to say no to her.

I will do my best to seek out any agencies that can help us though I do have some trouble as my french is not fully functional(Quebec).

My parents had me commited once after the events that took place led me down the bad path, and I was out of control, but I'm not sure how they had that done, and I was able to be released the next day(They couldn't do anything since I was turning 18 in a week).

Once again thank you for replying and reassuring me I'm not alone.

[Fed Up]

I strongly suggest you seek out your father and friend and let them know, they are NOT helping her by helping her get marijuana. BECAUSE SHE IS NOT USING IT PROPERLY OR the proper strains for her disease.

On that topic, I am fairly learned and do not say to stop the marijuana lightly. If she is depressed...the Indicas will only make that worse. If she is hyper, the sativa will exaggerate that and can induce panic and paranoia. It is a medication not an 'escape' and she sounds like she is using it to escape and has gone so far, you can't find her anymore.

However, if they did everything FOR you growing up and did not teach you the proper skills you need to function, it sounds like none of this is all that new, apparently you are old enough now, she doesn't care to hide her drug habits from you. I sincerely suspect you developed a drug habit, because you learned it at home. I do hope you are in NA and all the 12-step groups that can help you?

Marijuana OFTEN DOES NASTY THINGS TO PEOPLE THAT ARE BIPOLAR, it takes some work and skill to find a correct strain to treat the bi-polar and which one for which symptom. She isn't happy enough to be dosing herself properly, either. fed