Dating sucks

[KatieAgain]

When I pick out donors from the cryobank, I pick from guys who are like what I want to have a baby with. Blue eyes, PhD biochemistry, athletic, chess, atheist just like me.

About ten years ago in Princeton, I thought the dream guy had fallen from the sky. A couple amazing dates, and I was picking out our retirement home and naming our kids in my head. Then, the conversation. I have NF. I knew what that was. I knew it was incurable, disfiguring, and genetic. I imagined being in the neonatal ward, and being handed a baby with atypical birthmarks. I did that. A life sentence, and I knew the risks.

I couldn't bring myself to say, I'd marry you, but I'd never have children with you. I couldn't bring myself to say, I'm not calling again, because of the disease. I thought it would be rubbing salt in the wound. He never called me either.

I'd never begrudge anyone walking away because I have MS. My ex came back into my life to help with food prep and dr. appointments. Someone I've been talking to for a long time in Seattle proposed. He said he'd modify his home. My ex tentatively said he'd pay for stem cell transplant if my neuro thought it was a good idea. Other people are of higher moral fiber than myself, obviously. That's an understatement.

Don't take it personally. They thought you were attractive, bright, funny, etc. They just hated your MS. I hate your MS. I hate my MS. I hate MS period. And I'm sorry amazing guy with NF, which I also hate. I hope you met someone far better than myself (and hey, maybe they don't have MS).

You are not a jerk. Just honest. And the best thing you could have done is not marry him and let him move on with some who will love him.

Dated a man in my 20s...he proposed. I turned him down because I simply did not love him. And soon after we both found that special person, and we both divorced years later.

If you really want some one to share you life with, you will find them, warts and all and at any age.

[dyin_myelin]

I was that jerk

When I pick out donors from the cryobank, I pick from guys who are like what I want to have a baby with. Blue eyes, PhD biochemistry, athletic, chess, atheist just like me.

About ten years ago in Princeton, I thought the dream guy had fallen from the sky. A couple amazing dates, and I was picking out our retirement home and naming our kids in my head. Then, the conversation. I have NF. I knew what that was. I knew it was incurable, disfiguring, and genetic. I imagined being in the neonatal ward, and being handed a baby with atypical birthmarks. I did that. A life sentence, and I knew the risks.

I couldn't bring myself to say, I'd marry you, but I'd never have children with you. I couldn't bring myself to say, I'm not calling again, because of the disease. I thought it would be rubbing salt in the wound. He never called me either.

I'd never begrudge anyone walking away because I have MS. My ex came back into my life to help with food prep and dr. appointments. Someone I've been talking to for a long time in Seattle proposed. He said he'd modify his home. My ex tentatively said he'd pay for stem cell transplant if my neuro thought it was a good idea. Other people are of higher moral fiber than myself, obviously. That's an understatement.

Don't take it personally. They thought you were attractive, bright, funny, etc. They just hated your MS. I hate your MS. I hate my MS. I hate MS period. And I'm sorry amazing guy with NF, which I also hate. I hope you met someone far better than myself (and hey, maybe they don't have MS).

[Scooter24]

Just for reference women can be just as big a "slimeballs" as men and sometimes more so, including hanging up in the middle of a conversation, not calling back etc etc.

I have in my profile that I am disabled, I tell them about the MS during our first telephone conversation, at my age of 58 it is few and far between that you will find people in our age group that doesn't have some form of medical problems. So all know when we first meet about it. After I told one lady she admitted that her hair color wasn't really blonde lol

I have done a fair amount of dating in the last 18 months, some they disappear, some I say it's not meant to be, some have just become friends. Just haven't found the one that clicks yet, though there have been a few that came close I must admit, so the hunt is still on.

[MSMOBILITYMAN]

STILL AFTER 10 MONTHS--NO ONE WANTS 2 COMMUNICATE

YES...IN ORDER TO GET A SO-CALLED DATE....
TWO PEOPLE NEED TO COMMUNICATE...

ITS SAD TO REPORT THIS
BUT WHO ELSE ON HERE CAN RELATE?
HAVE YOU HAD A MEET & GREET OR A DATE?

SINCE NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN COMMUNICATING
ON MY YAHOO OR SKYPE...
I JUST CAN SIT HERE BY MYSELF AND TYPE

[MSMOBILITYMAN]

If dating sucks...then simply call it a meet & greet

WE NEVER FOUND IT THAT EASY TO MAKE FRIENDS OR START A NEW FRIENDSHIP
FOUND THAT IT WAS MUCH EASIER NOT TO EVEN TRY
WE HOPE YOU HAVE SOME FRIENDS—AND BEFORE YOU FINALLY DO DECIDE
TO BE OR NOT TO EVEN TRY TO BE A NEW FRIEND OF MINE
SOMEDAY WHEN YOU'RE ALL ALONE..SITTING NEAR YOUR PC OR TELLEPHONE
YOU MAY WISH YOU HAD JUST ANOTHER OL' NICE SENIORFRIEND OR TWO
SOME REAL PERSON TO REALLY COMMUNICATE WITH OR ACTUALLY TALK TO YOU
YES-IT HAS HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE TO ME
THANK G O D FOR ALL THIS NEW HIGH TECHNOLOGY
WE CAN NOW FIND FRIENDS ON LINE MUCH EASIER
SOME MAY THINK THIS IS A BIT SLEEZYER…
BUT IT DOES WORK TO SOME EXTENT
I FOUND SOME FRIENDS ON-LINE B4-...WERE THEY POSSIBLY HEAVEN SENT?
I USED TO EVEN TALK ON THE PHONE WITH THEM FROM TIME TO TIME
I DID CALL THEM OR THEY CALLED ME OFTEN TIMES
NOW WE CAN USE SKYPE VIDEO CHAT & NOT EVEN HAVE TO TYPE
WE CAN COMMUNICATE ANYTIME ON-LINE FOR FREE--& THATS QUITE ALL RIGHT!
YES- I EVEN HAD SOME REAL PHYSICAL IN PERSON LIVE DATES
IT’ WAS SOMETHING THAT’S MUCH LIKE A BLIND DATE
IT’S SOMETHING THAT’S SCARY AND SOMETHING WE OFTEN PROCRASTINATE
BECAUSE YOU DON’T REALLY KNOW IF THEY’RE TELLIN THE TRUTH
ABOUT THEIR PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES—THEN YOU REALLY FEEL LIKE A GOOF!
SO I’M NOW AFRAID OF DOIN THAT SAME KIND OF DATE THING
WITH GALS W/ JUST 1 PIC THAT WE SEE ON-LINE THAT WE WANT TO MEET
THEY MAY LOOK SWEET...BUT YOU NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU SEE THEIR FEET
…so a group meeting thing is best—hope we both do pass the MS friend test

[Learides]

Dating sucks

Be strong girlie.

Guys that have no compassion are not worth your time.
Be who you are and someone will love that.

Good luck

[TheSpouse]

Dating is usually mostly made up of rejection. And people a kid confrontation if they or you have a disease. We don't like it.

Guys deal with rejections and are told to keep on trucking.

It would be tough, I would think. In the very selfish culture we live in, for someone to willingly walk a tragic path.

And really, why should they? Or why call them cowards? They made a choice and really don't owe anyone an explanation.

I chose my wife knowing she had MS. There was no courage involved really. I loved her and she was the hottie I always wanted. I chased her till she felt like catching me

I hope you find a great person and live a happy life. It would be easy to be bitter. But nobody really owes us anything. Hope you find someone that wants to give you that love.

[Jules A]

I see some assume that the guys that reject a woman because of MS must be of a certain "class".

Truth is some very well educated, well employed men have been some of the biggest cowards. Choosing not to address it but just pretend like I never existed after lying & telling me they are ok with.

Some of the macho type guys that you would think would be shallow & not understand actually were ok with it.

I guess what I have learned is not to judge a book by its cover. I have suffered through a lot of rejection... and I mean a lot. Based solely on my MS. I know that means its not the type of person I should be with but it doesn't make it easier. I guess I just need to develop a thicker skin to this.

I'm not sure we were assuming they were guys of a "certain class". I wasn't but based on your description of their response it sure doesn't sound like they have very good manners whatever class they are:

"They usually get defensive and say something like, "That doesn't change anything, I'm not an "expletive" you know." Then a few days later, they disappear. Literally. No more calls, texts, they are just gone."

[candycane]

I'm glad you vented here. I'm wondering how many guys are out there experiencing the same kind of reaction??? You'd understand what they're going thru I hope you find someone you have this (meaning struggles) in common with. I bet he could use the support & friendship

[Westgrl]

I see some assume that the guys that reject a woman because of MS must be of a certain "class".

Truth is some very well educated, well employed men have been some of the biggest cowards. Choosing not to address it but just pretend like I never existed after lying & telling me they are ok with.

Some of the macho type guys that you would think would be shallow & not understand actually were ok with it.

I guess what I have learned is not to judge a book by its cover. I have suffered through a lot of rejection... and I mean a lot. Based solely on my MS. I know that means its not the type of person I should be with but it doesn't make it easier. I guess I just need to develop a thicker skin to this.

[suzq]

It will happen!

There are good ones out there. I told my now husband before we ever talked about getting married that there was a possibility I had MS. He said at the time he didn't care and we joyfully went on with life. I was officially diagnosed four years after we got married and within a year was diagnosed with secondary progressive and in a wheelchair.

I'm still here 25 years later and so is he. It hasn't always been easy for either one of us, and we have had plenty of ups and downs. But in the end, even though I'm down to use of my left hand only, we still laugh and we are still best friends because he's an amazing person.

So they are out there, you just have to struggle through the trolls to find the amazing ones.

[roger_k]

Hopefully, I can find a great one

Good luck!

[smittyditty]

I used to date jerk guys and this was before all this happened. I finally realized it was me!

I had standards that were too low. Sit down and write a list of things you expect from the person you eventually want to be with. Reasonable obviously...not things like looks...lol
Then stick to them if they don't fit those then don't except dates. You will be surprised what kind of fish you catch with this.

Also I changed the way I was dressing..it wasn't slutty but I made a point to dress way more modest no cleavage hanging out. While all guys like that the good guys sometimes get overwhelmed by it. The yucky guys read way too much into it. I figure if a pioneer woman could get a man with only her hands showing I can get a man with my arms..lol Sorry that was a side track.

Then the other thing I kinda lost grip on is Dating is SUPPOSED to suck. I mean yes you will make friends, but lets face it if every guy was great you'd marry the first one and never have to date again. While logical it just never clicked until someone told me that advice. Then I just didn't look at it as reflective of me. I'm just wading through everyone trying to find the one. Then you won't get such high hopes on the first date and will be more reflective of is this right.

Lastly I'd say in my personal opinion I would wait to tell them you had MS till like the 4-5th date. Just learning about a new person can be overwhelming. Trying to be the best you on a first date and then getting the MS dx. Is like asking them to be superman. I think its asking for acceptance before they even know you. Then they don't want to go further for fear you will think they dumped you for the MS.

I met my husband 7yrs ago. We have two beautiful children 3yr and 1yr old. I'm 32 and 2 months into my limbo but he is so understanding. Good luck and congrats on the weight loss.

[strikerjb007]

Thank you to everyone for your replies! I needed to vent & so glad you are here & understand!

lstrl - No, I have minor symptoms that you can't tell by looking at me. I have said the same thing many times, that you can date a perfectly healthy person now & never know what could happen 5 or 10 years from now. At least with me you get a heads up.

I have had some positive experiences, like one guy who had a friend who was married to a girl with MS and did the walk every year. He didn't shy away at all, it just didn't work out for other reasons but we are still friends.

I've only been dating a short time so I haven't given up. It's just very nerve wracking having to prepare to tell someone, hoping they are ok with it, scared they won't be. Then having to go through it over & over. I don't hold any bad opinions of people who can't deal. I'd rather know now instead of the first time something happens & have them run then.

Sometimes I think I was lucky to still be single when I was dx so I could find someone that will be ok with it. I hear bad stories about spouses or significant others that don't adjust well or just leave. But I hear great stories too. Hopefully, I can find a great one

Hey there, don't lose hope. If these guys are running, let them be. I met a girl with MS last year and we are still together. I shared something crazy on our second date and she shared her MS story. At the time, I didn't know what to think but I have been through some stuff in life and MS seemed like something tough to deal with for me as a partner. I wasn't sure I could. I continue seeing her and informing myself. Eventually, I realized that her personality is too awesome and that I could deal with the issues.

Personally, after being with her for 5 months (I know it's not a long time) I can honestly say that it takes a certain kind of guy to be able to work with you on that. Trust me, MS doesn't define you but it's something that you both have to work through. I hate to say it but not all people are strong enough. Kudos to you and don't lose hope. There is someone. Move along when you don't see them.

[Westgrl]

Thank you to everyone for your replies! I needed to vent & so glad you are here & understand!

lstrl - No, I have minor symptoms that you can't tell by looking at me. I have said the same thing many times, that you can date a perfectly healthy person now & never know what could happen 5 or 10 years from now. At least with me you get a heads up.

I have had some positive experiences, like one guy who had a friend who was married to a girl with MS and did the walk every year. He didn't shy away at all, it just didn't work out for other reasons but we are still friends.

I've only been dating a short time so I haven't given up. It's just very nerve wracking having to prepare to tell someone, hoping they are ok with it, scared they won't be. Then having to go through it over & over. I don't hold any bad opinions of people who can't deal. I'd rather know now instead of the first time something happens & have them run then.

Sometimes I think I was lucky to still be single when I was dx so I could find someone that will be ok with it. I hear bad stories about spouses or significant others that don't adjust well or just leave. But I hear great stories too. Hopefully, I can find a great one