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    Dating sucks

    So, I began dating for the first time since my dx in Dec. I've lost 70 pounds and feel great about myself & probably am the healthiest I have been in years. Funny that it took getting MS for this to happen.

    So, with the change in weight & more importantly, my attitude, I've been getting more attention from men.

    I had hoped for the best. I tend to wait until after a first date to tell someone I have MS.

    The reaction I get is usually the same with some small exceptions. They usually get defensive and say something like, "That doesn't change anything, I'm not an "expletive" you know." Then a few days later, they disappear. Literally. No more calls, texts, they are just gone.

    At first I thought I just met a couple of jerks who lost interest or met someone else & didn't have the decency to tell me. Then it happened again... and again. It finally clicked. They feel like crap dumping a girl because she has MS so they pretend to be ok with it, or maybe even try to convince themselves they are, and then they just run away from it. Or maybe they go home & Google it, see the worse case scenario & run. Who knows.

    It's exhausting having to go through this with every guy I develop an interest in. Dating is bad enough but throwing this into the mix just really sucks.
    Diagnosed: May 2012
    Medications: Avonex - stopped 12/14
    Plegridy - starting 12/14

    #2
    Dating DOES suck. I'm sorry

    But hey, there are great guys out there and you're bound to find one. Yeah wading through the murky swamp of slimeballs is no fun, but you've just got to perservere and know that it'll be worth it in the end.
    Aitch - Writer, historian, wondermom. First symptoms in my teens, DX'd in my twenties, disabled in my thirties. Still the luckiest girl in the world.

    Comment


      #3
      Originally posted by Westgrl View Post
      The reaction I get is usually the same with some small exceptions. They usually get defensive and say something like, "That doesn't change anything, I'm not an "expletive" you know."
      My heart goes out to you and I applaud that you are being honest with them. Dating is rough even without adding MS to the mix.

      That said if the guys you are dating are making the defensive, macho, crude statements like you have written here I would take another look at the type of person you are choosing to date.

      Someone who doesn't have the basic manners and decorum to address the topic in a more articulate, polite fashion isn't worth your time anyway!!

      People are going to be scared away but I think this also weeds the men from the boys and when you find the one who is willing to weather this storm with you it will be so worth the wait.
      He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
      Anonymous

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        #4
        That does sound like a very frustrating experience (I'm newly diagnosed and haven't had the "chance" at experiencing it for myself yet), but if they can't accept you with the MS, they're not the kind of people you want to be around anyway. Yes, they are shallow, and you need to find yourself a real man. At least you found out before anything happened.

        I'm guessing that if you've made it through all of these dates without anyone ever knowing that something is wrong, then your MS probably isn't that bad right now. MS is so unpredictable though, you may never get really bad. Or, it could happen tomorrow. Nobody knows. Whether someone has MS or not though, anything can happen to any one of us at any time that can change our lives. The people who shy away from someone with MS (or any disease, really) need to think about that when deciding that they can't handle someone who isn't perfect. If it happens to them, they'd better hope they can find someone who isn't quite so shallow.
        Diagnosed 1/4/13
        Avonex 1/25/13-11/14, Gilenya 1/22/15

        Comment


          #5
          Thank you to everyone for your replies! I needed to vent & so glad you are here & understand!

          lstrl - No, I have minor symptoms that you can't tell by looking at me. I have said the same thing many times, that you can date a perfectly healthy person now & never know what could happen 5 or 10 years from now. At least with me you get a heads up.

          I have had some positive experiences, like one guy who had a friend who was married to a girl with MS and did the walk every year. He didn't shy away at all, it just didn't work out for other reasons but we are still friends.

          I've only been dating a short time so I haven't given up. It's just very nerve wracking having to prepare to tell someone, hoping they are ok with it, scared they won't be. Then having to go through it over & over. I don't hold any bad opinions of people who can't deal. I'd rather know now instead of the first time something happens & have them run then.

          Sometimes I think I was lucky to still be single when I was dx so I could find someone that will be ok with it. I hear bad stories about spouses or significant others that don't adjust well or just leave. But I hear great stories too. Hopefully, I can find a great one
          Diagnosed: May 2012
          Medications: Avonex - stopped 12/14
          Plegridy - starting 12/14

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by Westgrl View Post
            Thank you to everyone for your replies! I needed to vent & so glad you are here & understand!

            lstrl - No, I have minor symptoms that you can't tell by looking at me. I have said the same thing many times, that you can date a perfectly healthy person now & never know what could happen 5 or 10 years from now. At least with me you get a heads up.

            I have had some positive experiences, like one guy who had a friend who was married to a girl with MS and did the walk every year. He didn't shy away at all, it just didn't work out for other reasons but we are still friends.

            I've only been dating a short time so I haven't given up. It's just very nerve wracking having to prepare to tell someone, hoping they are ok with it, scared they won't be. Then having to go through it over & over. I don't hold any bad opinions of people who can't deal. I'd rather know now instead of the first time something happens & have them run then.

            Sometimes I think I was lucky to still be single when I was dx so I could find someone that will be ok with it. I hear bad stories about spouses or significant others that don't adjust well or just leave. But I hear great stories too. Hopefully, I can find a great one
            Hey there, don't lose hope. If these guys are running, let them be. I met a girl with MS last year and we are still together. I shared something crazy on our second date and she shared her MS story. At the time, I didn't know what to think but I have been through some stuff in life and MS seemed like something tough to deal with for me as a partner. I wasn't sure I could. I continue seeing her and informing myself. Eventually, I realized that her personality is too awesome and that I could deal with the issues.

            Personally, after being with her for 5 months (I know it's not a long time) I can honestly say that it takes a certain kind of guy to be able to work with you on that. Trust me, MS doesn't define you but it's something that you both have to work through. I hate to say it but not all people are strong enough. Kudos to you and don't lose hope. There is someone. Move along when you don't see them.

            Comment


              #7
              I used to date jerk guys and this was before all this happened. I finally realized it was me!

              I had standards that were too low. Sit down and write a list of things you expect from the person you eventually want to be with. Reasonable obviously...not things like looks...lol
              Then stick to them if they don't fit those then don't except dates. You will be surprised what kind of fish you catch with this.

              Also I changed the way I was dressing..it wasn't slutty but I made a point to dress way more modest no cleavage hanging out. While all guys like that the good guys sometimes get overwhelmed by it. The yucky guys read way too much into it. I figure if a pioneer woman could get a man with only her hands showing I can get a man with my arms..lol Sorry that was a side track.

              Then the other thing I kinda lost grip on is Dating is SUPPOSED to suck. I mean yes you will make friends, but lets face it if every guy was great you'd marry the first one and never have to date again. While logical it just never clicked until someone told me that advice. Then I just didn't look at it as reflective of me. I'm just wading through everyone trying to find the one. Then you won't get such high hopes on the first date and will be more reflective of is this right.

              Lastly I'd say in my personal opinion I would wait to tell them you had MS till like the 4-5th date. Just learning about a new person can be overwhelming. Trying to be the best you on a first date and then getting the MS dx. Is like asking them to be superman. I think its asking for acceptance before they even know you. Then they don't want to go further for fear you will think they dumped you for the MS.

              I met my husband 7yrs ago. We have two beautiful children 3yr and 1yr old. I'm 32 and 2 months into my limbo but he is so understanding. Good luck and congrats on the weight loss.

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by Westgrl View Post
                Hopefully, I can find a great one
                Good luck!

                Comment


                  #9
                  It will happen!

                  There are good ones out there. I told my now husband before we ever talked about getting married that there was a possibility I had MS. He said at the time he didn't care and we joyfully went on with life. I was officially diagnosed four years after we got married and within a year was diagnosed with secondary progressive and in a wheelchair.

                  I'm still here 25 years later and so is he. It hasn't always been easy for either one of us, and we have had plenty of ups and downs. But in the end, even though I'm down to use of my left hand only, we still laugh and we are still best friends because he's an amazing person.

                  So they are out there, you just have to struggle through the trolls to find the amazing ones.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    I see some assume that the guys that reject a woman because of MS must be of a certain "class".

                    Truth is some very well educated, well employed men have been some of the biggest cowards. Choosing not to address it but just pretend like I never existed after lying & telling me they are ok with.

                    Some of the macho type guys that you would think would be shallow & not understand actually were ok with it.

                    I guess what I have learned is not to judge a book by its cover. I have suffered through a lot of rejection... and I mean a lot. Based solely on my MS. I know that means its not the type of person I should be with but it doesn't make it easier. I guess I just need to develop a thicker skin to this.
                    Diagnosed: May 2012
                    Medications: Avonex - stopped 12/14
                    Plegridy - starting 12/14

                    Comment


                      #11
                      I'm glad you vented here. I'm wondering how many guys are out there experiencing the same kind of reaction??? You'd understand what they're going thru I hope you find someone you have this (meaning struggles) in common with. I bet he could use the support & friendship

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by Westgrl View Post
                        I see some assume that the guys that reject a woman because of MS must be of a certain "class".

                        Truth is some very well educated, well employed men have been some of the biggest cowards. Choosing not to address it but just pretend like I never existed after lying & telling me they are ok with.

                        Some of the macho type guys that you would think would be shallow & not understand actually were ok with it.

                        I guess what I have learned is not to judge a book by its cover. I have suffered through a lot of rejection... and I mean a lot. Based solely on my MS. I know that means its not the type of person I should be with but it doesn't make it easier. I guess I just need to develop a thicker skin to this.
                        I'm not sure we were assuming they were guys of a "certain class". I wasn't but based on your description of their response it sure doesn't sound like they have very good manners whatever class they are:

                        "They usually get defensive and say something like, "That doesn't change anything, I'm not an "expletive" you know." Then a few days later, they disappear. Literally. No more calls, texts, they are just gone."
                        He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
                        Anonymous

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Dating is usually mostly made up of rejection. And people a kid confrontation if they or you have a disease. We don't like it.

                          Guys deal with rejections and are told to keep on trucking.

                          It would be tough, I would think. In the very selfish culture we live in, for someone to willingly walk a tragic path.

                          And really, why should they? Or why call them cowards? They made a choice and really don't owe anyone an explanation.

                          I chose my wife knowing she had MS. There was no courage involved really. I loved her and she was the hottie I always wanted. I chased her till she felt like catching me

                          I hope you find a great person and live a happy life. It would be easy to be bitter. But nobody really owes us anything. Hope you find someone that wants to give you that love.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Dating sucks

                            Be strong girlie.

                            Guys that have no compassion are not worth your time.
                            Be who you are and someone will love that.

                            Good luck

                            Comment


                              #15
                              If dating sucks...then simply call it a meet & greet

                              WE NEVER FOUND IT THAT EASY TO MAKE FRIENDS OR START A NEW FRIENDSHIP
                              FOUND THAT IT WAS MUCH EASIER NOT TO EVEN TRY
                              WE HOPE YOU HAVE SOME FRIENDS—AND BEFORE YOU FINALLY DO DECIDE
                              TO BE OR NOT TO EVEN TRY TO BE A NEW FRIEND OF MINE
                              SOMEDAY WHEN YOU'RE ALL ALONE..SITTING NEAR YOUR PC OR TELLEPHONE
                              YOU MAY WISH YOU HAD JUST ANOTHER OL' NICE SENIORFRIEND OR TWO
                              SOME REAL PERSON TO REALLY COMMUNICATE WITH OR ACTUALLY TALK TO YOU
                              YES-IT HAS HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE TO ME
                              THANK G O D FOR ALL THIS NEW HIGH TECHNOLOGY
                              WE CAN NOW FIND FRIENDS ON LINE MUCH EASIER
                              SOME MAY THINK THIS IS A BIT SLEEZYER…
                              BUT IT DOES WORK TO SOME EXTENT
                              I FOUND SOME FRIENDS ON-LINE B4-...WERE THEY POSSIBLY HEAVEN SENT?
                              I USED TO EVEN TALK ON THE PHONE WITH THEM FROM TIME TO TIME
                              I DID CALL THEM OR THEY CALLED ME OFTEN TIMES
                              NOW WE CAN USE SKYPE VIDEO CHAT & NOT EVEN HAVE TO TYPE
                              WE CAN COMMUNICATE ANYTIME ON-LINE FOR FREE--& THATS QUITE ALL RIGHT!
                              YES- I EVEN HAD SOME REAL PHYSICAL IN PERSON LIVE DATES
                              IT’ WAS SOMETHING THAT’S MUCH LIKE A BLIND DATE
                              IT’S SOMETHING THAT’S SCARY AND SOMETHING WE OFTEN PROCRASTINATE
                              BECAUSE YOU DON’T REALLY KNOW IF THEY’RE TELLIN THE TRUTH
                              ABOUT THEIR PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES—THEN YOU REALLY FEEL LIKE A GOOF!
                              SO I’M NOW AFRAID OF DOIN THAT SAME KIND OF DATE THING
                              WITH GALS W/ JUST 1 PIC THAT WE SEE ON-LINE THAT WE WANT TO MEET
                              THEY MAY LOOK SWEET...BUT YOU NEVER KNOW UNTIL YOU SEE THEIR FEET
                              …so a group meeting thing is best—hope we both do pass the MS friend test
                              MS'ers may not all walk-- but, we can still roll along-so lets rock-n-roll as a power mobility group I do have an extra scooter & Powerchair The cat or my caregiver won't ride with me so maybe you could?

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