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22yrs, 2 grown kids and He can't cope with a future with me

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    #1

    22yrs, 2 grown kids and He can't cope with a future with me

    Well, I knew this was coming. He had an affair, moved her within 3 miles of my home and then got caught. We have been in counseling. He finds himself overwhelmed by the future with a cripple. I am still ambulatory but have the dreaded MS fatigue, heat intolerance and screwed up sex drive.

    So everyone is advising me to get a generous settlement, but in CA its a community property state not sure how well I can do. But it really sucks to have him finally admit 'this is a problem'.

    I got diagnosed 5 years ago and have been trying to get him to 'deal' with it, look at coping mechanisms etc. He can't see a future with me.

    So it is over. Sorry to whine, about something I already knew, but seems like alot of us get the boot for something we had no control over. People just don't really believe the 'in sickness and in health' part.

    Gripes me I will lose my home that my kids grew up in.

    Any and all advice is welcome.
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    #2
    Originally posted by Nenebird View Post
    He finds himself overwhelmed by the future with a cripple.
    Probably not near as overwhelmed as how you feel. Sorry I have no advice but just want to let you know I feel for you. Come here and ask for support any time... it's not "whining".
    Jen
    RRMS 2005, Copaxone since 2007
    "I hope to be the person my dog thinks I am."

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      #3
      I'm sorry this is happening to you.
      He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
      Anonymous

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        #4
        Hi Nenebird

        Been there, done that ..mine was 'only' 17 years and 3 kids, but they were far from grown.

        I suggest, let him keep the house and buy you out..you decide what you want to do, where you want to be..he'll have the 2nd mortgage and you can start fresh

        Now it's been 22 years, the kids are grown and we have 2 grandkids. He married his friend and we're all fine, time does help heal.

        I am very sorry you have to go through this..take care
        Susan......... Beta Babe since 1994....I did improve "What you see depends on where you're standing" from American Prayer by Dave Stewart

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          #5
          I am so sorry
          Aitch - Writer, historian, wondermom. First symptoms in my teens, DX'd in my twenties, disabled in my thirties. Still the luckiest girl in the world.

          Comment

            #6
            I am so sorry you are going through this. My wife and myself will be married for 22 years this June, but she has repeatedly told me that it is over. IM the one with the MS and she is certain that if she left I could not take care of myself let alone the kids. She wants out in the worst way, and I am sure that some of their thoughts and feelings are the same. I really can identify with you, so I am sending you a great big cyber hug!I wish you the best.
            hunterd/HuntOP/Dave
            volunteer
            MS World
            hunterd@msworld.org
            PPMS DX 2001

            "ADAPT AND OVERCOME" - MY COUSIN

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              #7
              Nenebird,

              This is simply my opinion but I think your husband is "using" your illness as a way to explain his behavior. How convenient for him. Listen, don't YOU accept that it is because of your MS. Stay strong and I hope that you get through a divorce with as much ease as possible.
              Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

              Comment

                #8
                Originally posted by fishead View Post
                Nenebird,

                This is simply my opinion but I think your husband is "using" your illness as a way to explain his behavior. How convenient for him. Listen, don't YOU accept that it is because of your MS. Stay strong and I hope that you get through a divorce with as much ease as possible.
                I have to say to both you and Hunterd that I completely agree with Fishead on this. It does sound like you both have spouses using your illness as an excuse for their poor behaviour. And while much, much easier said than done, you both DESERVE much better and I hope you get the better sooner rather than later.

                Wishing you both the very best and am sending you big hugs!

                Comment

                  #9
                  Wow, what a creep. Sorry you are going through this.

                  Start packing and don't be shy about taking what you want. Do you have a good attorney? Get one.
                  Dx: 2/3/12. 6-8 lesions right medulla/cervical spine. GLATIRAMER ACETATE 40 mg 1/19, medical marijuana 1/18. Modafinil 7/18, Women's multivitamin, Caltrate + D3, Iron, Vitamin C, Super B Complex, Probiotics, Magnesium, Biotin.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    I CAN TOTALLY RELATE. MY HUSBAND OF 7 YEARS WHO WAS SOOO CRAZY ABOUT ME, TOLD ME THIS PAST FEBRUARY, WHILE I WAS RECOVERING FROM SURGERY THAT HE JUST COULDN'T DO THIS.

                    HE WOULD HELP TO GET ON MY DISABILITY AND THEN I SHOULD JUST GO MY OWN WAY. HE JUST WOULDN'T EVER BE A GOOD ENOUGH PERSON TO DEAL WITH THIS.

                    MY HEART IS BROKEN, I'M HAVING TO QUIT MY JOB AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. THIS IS LIKE A NIGHTMARE. HE'S AT LEAST "GOING TO LET ME STAY UNTIL MY DISABILITY COMES THROUGH AND THEN I SHOULD LEAVE". HE OWNED THE HOUSE WHEN WE GOT MARRIED.

                    I'M SEEING A THERAPIST, JUST GOT BACK AS A MATER OF FACT. I DON'T THINK IT'S HELPING, SHE'S GREAT BUT I ALREADY HAD A PLAN IN PLACE AND SHE SAYS IT'S THE ONLY THING I CAN DO UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES AND THAT I MUST TAKE CARE OF ME AND MY DISEASE. MAKE THINGS THE LEAST STRESSFUL AS I CAN TO GET THROUGH THIS.

                    IF I WASN'T SICK AND HAVING TO LEAVE MYJOB AND INSURANCE I WOULD HAVE OPTIONS. BUT I HAVE NO OPTIONS NOW. I'M SO DOWN AND OUT.

                    I FEEL YOUR PAIN, WE'RE IN THIS BOAT TOGETHER.

                    I'M KINDA NEW AND I DON'T KNOW HOW WE CAN TALK DIRECTLY BUT I WOULD LOVE TO TALK WITH YOU. I KNOW YOUR HURT.

                    HOW DO WE FIGHT THIS DISEASE AND ALL THE FALLOUT FROM IT?

                    Comment

                      #11
                      I'm so very sorry. I am married but I can sense my husband

                      is sick of my being sick.. We are here for you always.

                      I'm sending you a huge hug.
                      And even though the moment passed me by I still can't turn away
                      'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
                      Got tossed along the way

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Illness puts such a strain on relationships no matter how hard you try to work around it. For me, it has been one one of the most painful things about being sick.

                        My husband and I separated many years ago because I was not healthy. This was long before my MS Dx. He just considered me defective.

                        I forgave him because I know it was a big disappointment to him that our life was not turning out the way we had dreamed. We are friends now. If it is possible to salvage a friendship it's worth a try.

                        Wish you the best.

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                          #13
                          Hope it's not in my future

                          Wow!! So much for the "in sickness and in health" and the other vows... But have some faith that you will not go down hill so quickly.. and find someone who can appreciate you for your courage in dealing with this!!!

                          I have been married to my wife for 27 years... No problems for now, but I sure hope none develop. I was Dxd last year, and I have to admit, that I feel a little guilty about potentially dragging us down in our golden years together.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            I think that this is terrible, but I can understand.
                            My cousin left his wife when she was diagnosed with MS after being married for 10 years. They had one daughter.

                            He met another woman, married her, and had a child with her. He ended up cheating on her too.

                            He is just a cheat, regardless of MS or not.

                            The future that some of us face is uncertain.
                            Not every man or woman can handle it.

                            Hugs to you.
                            Check if you can just stay in the house for as long as you can. You might not have to move.
                            Why make it easy on him? Check with your lawyer.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              I'm so heartbroken for all of you that have gone through this. My husband is in limbo, has been for a year or so. We've been together ten years. It doesn't matter how much his health has changed. He's still my best friend. I can't fathom walking away because 'the rules changed'. I'm so sorry for all of you.

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