Family/Friends not Helping

[Jules A]

Jules, I wish I had that mentality and willpower.

Maybe it is because I am so early in my diagnosis, and am depressed, and hopeless. I feel that I have been robbed of my motivation, energy, excitement, joy, and whatever else I was experiencing before my dx.

I'm definitely not the same person. What my MS Specialist has done to me is probably irreversible. I feel like he handed down a contract on my health.

If it was me, I would get off these stinking DMD's, and go back to my optic neuritis. I would have listened to my GP, thought that it was a sinus infection, and would lead my life.

The phsychological damage is done, and I don't know it it can be repaired. Oh I'm such a baby!! LOL

You are not a baby and I do appreciate your honesty and how you recognize the gravity of getting this horrific diagnosis. It shattered me also. Things won't ever be the same. We are too young to have this looming over our heads however we don't have a choice.

I guess the difference between us is that I'm so terrified of being poor and relying on disability income that it kicked me into high gear and pushes me to work as much as humanly possible in an effort to sock away money for my future.

Being depressed is not uncommon when getting a diagnosis like MS, no duh lol, but also there seem to be physiological issues that can also result in depression. Please consider seeking professional advice as to whether counseling and/or medication might help you feel a bit better.

Although I'm not one of the people who imo naively chant "MS isn't going to get me" I do wholeheartedly believe that until it does I'm going to be scratching and clawing to make a financially secure future for myself. It seems to be the only control I have over my life right now.

[MSer102]

MS is a shocking diagnosis and I don't think anyone can be ready for it. But I think that when your feeling depressed and hopeless it might not be possible for you to tell if what you want to do is sensible or not. Depressed, hopeless, angry people aren't the best at making decisions.

Maybe it seems like your friends and family aren't helping because you want them to agree with your depressed and hopeless ideas and they won't because that won't be good for you. Its one thing to have one person not agree with you but if EVERYBODY who knows you is disagreeing with you then there may be a good reason. Mental health professionals say its a bad idea to make big life decisions when your depressed, angry and in shock but it sounds like that's what your wanting to do. Do you really want your family and friends to help you do something that might be bad for you?

I agree that it might be a good idea to talk with a therapist and maybe try some medication to help you get over the hump until the shock wears off. For me it took a couple of years before the shock wore off and I wasn't angry at everybody. You haven't been through this before but therapists have been through big life changes with a lot of people so you could get some good guidance in learning how to get through the really awful early years.

[Mamabug]

I seem to have a 3-year grieving cycle. It took me 3 years after my mom's death (following a brief battle with cancer) to be able to talk about it without crying. I didn't grieve the actual MS dx alot, because it was so long in coming (took almost 2 years to get an accurate dx). But, it took me about 3 years to grieve having to give up my career and go on SSDI (after I lost 3 jobs in 6 years, due to MS), and come to accept that I was no longer very "employable".

You sound like you are still grieving. That's normal. You also sound like you recognize that stress affects you differently than it did, prior to MS. For example, you mention being sensitive to the "way" people talk; and you talk about no longer wanting to move up the ladder.

I suggest that you look at that stress issue as you make big decisions. I don't have specific advice regarding which direction you go with your decision. But, weigh which would be more, or less, stressful: staying where you are or moving; finding a less demanding job, or staying where you are and not making a big change; etc.

All change is stressful. And, you have stress in your current situations. So, no decision that you make will be stress-free. But, that has become one of the important things that I do for my health is to try to keep stress to a minimum. I suggest you do the same. Weigh what you say yes to, and what you say no to. Consider decreasing current commitments. And, weigh your options from the stress perspective prior to making decisions.

~ Faith

[SNOOPY]

It's not worth going through the daily stresses, with your job, family, and wife. My wife moved out in November, due to personal issues with me, and now is moving back in.

Like most men, I keep everything inside. I have to write to my aunt in Poland, to really tell someone how I feel. It stinks when you can't have sufficient help with people close by, family, wife, who don't understand.

Men feel like they have to be strong, not show emotion and keep it all inside and not show any vulnerability.

Sadly, that is the worst thing a man can do in a marriage This approach can and does do damage to a marriage.

It is important, within a marriage, to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to show emotion, to not keep your wife on the outside trying to look in.

It's when you can do this that you can bond and connect as a couple. If you can't do this, with your wife then it can leave her feeling as if you don't care or trust her...not connected or loved.

That side of you only needs to be shared with her. Everyone else, family or not, can see whatever you want them to see.

Being vulnerable with anyone, even your partner, leaves you open to being hurt. Without that vulnerability your marriage really won't be a marriage and the farther the two of you will drift.

You each have the ability to heal and help each other but only if you let each other "in" and share your feelings, fears, concerns. Most importantly - really listen to what the other person has to say and how they feel --- communication.

[pnowsitall]

Thanks Snoopy and everyone!!! These posts definitely touched up on the truth of the matter of what I am groing through.

I thought I would come to acceptance pretty quickly, but my diagnosis seemed like a quick roller coaster ride. By the time I was content with what was going on...b/c I was taking so many tests, and was really scared of the MRI - for people going through such a horrific process, is really damaging.

I never broke a bone in my body! In regards to the depression, anger, I am definitely not passed the grieving part, but I don't think that that is influencing my decision. I actually am thinking clearly, and pretty logically. I will get into more detail. I want to pursue growing and taking mmj treatment, and to fully be able to do it "legally", I need to move.

With the series of events, from Diagnosis, to financial trouble, to marriage trouble, including family deaths, its been too much. My motivation for moving is b/c I cannot afford NY alone, have a really crappy job, and am living in misery not being able to do what I love and want to do.

So, anger, depression aside, I hope and think that I am making the right decision. I thank you for all the support.

Men definitely do hold things inside, and I think that is really harmful on us.

[hparks]

I have some problems, mainly with family.

Over the past year, I have been having money issues since wife moved out, had a diagnosis of MS 2011, people died in the family, basically you can say 2012 was the worst year ever for me.

And lately, I've expressed my intention to change my life, move somewhere else. All that I have been getting over the past months are guilt trips, oh you can't do that, if you do that, we won't have anything to do with you/.

How can people understand that we are sensitive to the "way" people talk. All the patronizing, guilt trip feeling, and preaching, is making me wanna go crazy!!! Family can sometimes say, all we want is to help you, that the only two people in your life are mom and dad....but sometimes they can be the worst.

I feel for you and can relate! I know that probably doesn't make you feel better, but you're not alone.

I've been unemployed since shortly after my dx in 2011. My wife and I have had a lot more problems since then and I can only hope things work out. However, I WANT TO WORK! I returned to college at 42 and got my dx one semester from graduating. I'm pretty fed up with the NMSS and the website also. Instead of tips or help on gaining employment (from the employment section on here) I've been told "forget about it. Go on SSDI". In addition to this, I have three younger brothers who are of no help. This past Fall, I climbed up on the roof to clean out my own gutters. Friends have slowly disappeared too. The one thing that I love more than anything else, is hunting and being outdoors. It's very seldom that happens anymore; and when it does, I go alone (with a cell phone).

Not that it's the correct way of handling it; but I'm just p.o.'d at the world and let it be known. It's sad when someone tries their hardest to be independent and self-sufficient but gets shot down everywhere. Even when they're having serious depression issues yet can't find resources for one on one, in person counseling. :'(

[pnowsitall]

wow hparks, we have similar stories.

I received my ms dx about 4 months prior to my mba graduation. What a shocker!! It's so funny how much work and excitement I built up, all the hard work, and pow!!!!

You have MS. Basically all my worth, and ego-ness, went out the window. I'm just a plain old person.

[hparks]

Not alone!!

I'm so glad you posted that on here!! It helps knowing I'm not alone on the timing of dx and graduating. It sucks, but helpful to hear your story.

[tjcann00]

I'm not the same person either. No joy, no ambition, tired, sad, depressed etc. I still love my family but I know they aren't feeling that I do right now. I agree about the meds and going back to before my diagnosis. Haven't been able to tolerate any of the meds so far and the other choices are a bit more scarry, makes me want to take nothing. My neuro is sending me to see a phsychiatrist, guess he thinks I'm going over the deep end, maybe I am? I still make it out of bed to go to work but that's about it. Don't really care about anything. Let the house burn down with me in it? It's been some time since your post, has time helped you at all?

[hparks]

Taking care of oneself, not being selfish.

I'm not the same person either. No joy, no ambition, tired, sad, depressed etc. I still love my family but I know they aren't feeling that I do right now. I agree about the meds and going back to before my diagnosis. Haven't been able to tolerate any of the meds so far and the other choices are a bit more scarry, makes me want to take nothing. My neuro is sending me to see a phsychiatrist, guess he thinks I'm going over the deep end, maybe I am? I still make it out of bed to go to work but that's about it. Don't really care about anything. Let the house burn down with me in it? It's been some time since your post, has time helped you at all?

I don't think you're going "over the deep end". I think everyone has had their times when they've felt like that. When you put no luck with medications with family problems, it makes me stress out for you! There are times I just push everyone away; I don't need the added drama. Eventually, it passes and things are back to normal. I consider it, "taking care of myself".

[LisaL77]

We get you.

I was dx 1/25/12 and have been in denial ever since. My stages of accepting this are progressing very slowly.

I also understand the MMJ appeal. Symptom relief with very little side effects. A flexerall will last all night and make me feel loopy through the entire next day. MMJ wears off and I wake feeling refreshed and alert.

It's magical, simply magical.