Family/Friends not Helping

[pnowsitall]

I have some problems, mainly with family.

Over the past year, I have been having money issues since wife moved out, had a diagnosis of MS 2011, people died in the family, basically you can say 2012 was the worst year ever for me.

And lately, I've expressed my intention to change my life, move somewhere else. All that I have been getting over the past months are guilt trips, oh you can't do that, if you do that, we won't have anything to do with you/.

How can people understand that we are sensitive to the "way" people talk. All the patronizing, guilt trip feeling, and preaching, is making me wanna go crazy!!! Family can sometimes say, all we want is to help you, that the only two people in your life are mom and dad....but sometimes they can be the worst.

[pnowsitall]

starting to lose faith in this website....:-(

[swingingwillow]

Hi,
I have similar feelings.

I have financial stress. My family could give a rats you know what about me and my ailments - because I'm in limbo it makes it even worse.

I think that if a reasonable amount of time has passed so that you can deal with the strife in your life and you are making a reasonable choice to move away for positive reasons then why should others be allowed to tell you what to do with your life?

That's my opinion anyhoo.

[TLC_31]

I’m sorry others haven’t been compelled to respond to your thread, but only 42 have viewed it at the time I post this, so I wouldn’t consider it a reflection of the helpfulness/usefulness of this website that none have responded. These are "off-topic" issues that people don't necessarily feel qualified to address.

Your family members are going through struggles of their own: deaths in the family, one family member (you) being diagnosed with MS, one family member (your wife) separating herself from the family. They may not know how to deal with those things, and they may not have a message board to turn to as you do. Yes, they need to be there for you, but please don’t forget that you may need to be there for them. Saying that you want to move away might rub salt in their wounds. Do your mom and dad (or others?) explain in greater detail why they are so averse to you moving? How are people “patronizing” and “preaching” to you?

Do you have an idea where “somewhere else” might be? Is there anyone there you know? A job? A web of support if your MS turns worse? Moving is stressful, and stress isn’t good for those of us with MS, so a move may not be in your best interests. Sure, family is stressful right now, but with some work, communication, and time, that will get better.

Keep telling us what's going on, and ask questions anytime!

[CaroleL]

I'm sorry you have to go through this pnowsitall. I find it difficult with family also.

You can't change them. I would tell them how I feel and what my plans are. Wether or not they decide to help or support you will be their choice.

I haven't spoken to my parents in about 2 years. My condition haven't even warranted a phone call.

You must look after YOU! I'm thinking that your parent are hurt because of the fear of losing you. I'm sure they'll come around when things settle down.

You have support here though!

[DianeD]

It's You that matters!

Don't obsess about what others think. Are you relying on friends or family for help? If not, then what they are saying might not be very important. It's about you and what is best for you.

What is the point of moving and what bothers others about that? You are the one who has to live with MS ultimately.

There are many things you've presented this forum to think about. Must be tough on you.

When I've had to make tough decisions and find myself confused about what is best, it helps to make a list of pro's and cons. Keep it in a handy place where you can look at it and add or subtract from it.

Read it over, see if you can elimate some of the items which may not be the most worrisome.

Don't give up on us.....sometimes as CaroleL said, we just don't know what to suggest.

Good Luck, Diane

[pnowsitall]

Thanks everyone

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE KIND AND HELPFUL REPLIES.

IT ALL IS TRUE. I AM PLANNING ON MOVING DUE TO MEETING THE FORK, OR "V", IN THE ROAD. I WAS PLANNING ON MOVING TO RHODE ISLAND, OR MAINE, MAINLY TO FOLLOW AND DEDICATE MYSELF TO MMJ.

THIS ISN'T TOTALLY ACCEPTED BY FRIENDS/WIFE.

ALTHOUGH, MANY OF US MS'ERS, ARE DRAWN TO THIS AREA OF SELF MEDICATING, AND CARE, BECUASE IT HELPS US LIVE A HIGHER QUALITY OF LIFE.

[NYJenn]

pnowsitall--

You have to live your life. If you want to move, move.
Good luck to you! I hope 2013 is a good year for all of us!

[pnowsitall]

Thanks

Thanks everyone for the help with the replies.

I hope you all have a great 2013, success, wealth, health, and happiness!

Phil

[Jrasted79]

oh boy I know how you feel. I am a single parent, as my condition got worse I moved away from my invalidating family to be closer to my mom incase she had to help me care for my 7 yearold. So now I am getting worse in a place that is absolutely horrible for MS, the desert. The heat has brought me close to a wheelchair the past two summers.

Through youtube I have met the most wonderful man ever. I am going to visit the end of march but now my mother is afraid I am going to move, and hey I just might. He is much like me and very compassionate as he has severe fibromyalgia so he understands daily pain. We are here for each other through the good and the bad. Its been almost a year and we were friends until late November.

My mom has issues of her own,mental, for which she wont seek any help. She says shes needs me and I need her. What I need is her love and approval, and the one thing Ive wanted in my life is to create my own family. I have a chance to do that now but she said she will be very angry if I move.

I am not being rash, I am going there, then he's coming here, then we will make our decision. I am allowed to do this right. I am an adult I deserve happiness, I just hate having to hurt my mom in the process.

[pnowsitall]

We all have different situations. Having a child already, and finding someone you have feelings for is great.

I just feel that I have been living a miserable life for the last year. It's not worth going through the daily stresses, with your job, family, and wife. My wife moved out in November, due to personal issues with me, and now is moving back in.

Through these last few months, I feel into a financial situation due to the fact she wasn't supporting our household anymore, don't have kids (just a cat), and family is giving me issues due to the fact I want to change my professional career after getting my MBA.

We all have tough decisions, but I am just close to saying "ok, its time to take care of "myself", and not go through this misery anymore. There are so many stories of people going through worse, moving to this country with nothing, and they survived. We will too!

[cadiman]

Take comfort that you may be one of the first people to speak the "truth" about MS and family.

I sometimes have to remind my spouse that I am not stupid, I am just limited due to a debilitating disease.

Sometimes moving to a different place and getting a fresh perspective is good medicine. Family if often well intentioned but fall short of their goal of understanding and dealing with your realities.

Do what makes you feel good. This is a time in your life where you must take-charge and be who you need to be.

Good Luck!

[pnowsitall]

Cadiman

Cadiman, thanks so much for that post. It is hard to post on such a topic, but I really can't vent anywhere else.

Like most men, I keep everything inside. I have to write to my aunt in Poland, to really tell someone how I feel. It stinks when you can't have sufficient help with people close by, family, wife, who don't understand.

Tell me if I'm crazy someone. Is it crazy to want to move to a medical state to get green medicine to combat my ailments with MS? Am I a maniac for wanting to work full-time still, and want to grow something that helps me?

This is my biggest problem that I haven't been able to solve, and so I want to turn to this forum for any advice. Having obtained an MBA recently, and hating my job, being separated, in financial turmoil, what other stresses can one go through?

I certainly feel kind of "hopeless" in terms of future success in my career...I just don't want to go up the ladder anymore. Like many of us here, we need to work from home, or worse, have to go on LTD.

Anyone have some suggestions?

[Jules A]

Having obtained an MBA recently, and hating my job, being separated, in financial turmoil, what other stresses can one go through?

I certainly feel kind of "hopeless" in terms of future success in my career...I just don't want to go up the ladder anymore. Like many of us here, we need to work from home, or worse, have to go on LTD.

Anyone have some suggestions?

My suggestion would be to find a job you like. You are blessed to be well so educated! Personally I don't think it sounds like you have the luxury of "not wanting to go up the ladder".

With MS in the picture it is crucial to work as much as we can to save money for our futures. Imo MS has taken away our right to kick back and relax. Unfortunately we may be forced to retire early thanks to this stinking disease so it is important to make hay while the sun is shining.

I'm thankful every single day to have my job and plan to work as much as I can until MS finally takes it from me.

[pnowsitall]

Jules, I wish I had that mentality and willpower.

Maybe it is because I am so early in my diagnosis, and am depressed, and hopeless. I feel that I have been robbed of my motivation, energy, excitement, joy, and whatever else I was experiencing before my dx.

I'm definitely not the same person. What my MS Specialist has done to me is probably irreversible. I feel like he handed down a contract on my health.

If it was me, I would get off these stinking DMD's, and go back to my optic neuritis. I would have listened to my GP, thought that it was a sinus infection, and would lead my life.

The phsychological damage is done, and I don't know it it can be repaired. Oh I'm such a baby!! LOL