Help in deciding on more kids

[Mellie Belly]

Hi! I am a newbie here. I was diagnosed last year with MS. I have a DD who is 4 1/2. My husband and I have always wanted at least 2 kids, but now are reconsidering due to all the physical troubles MS has caused. I am about to turn 36 and am also about to have my first MRI since starting my medicine. If this medicine isn't working I will need to decide very soon what the next step is. There is no sense in starting on new meds if I am going to try to have a baby. And I'm not getting any younger. I am trying to think about this logically, but it is so difficult. I am feeling so many emotions about not having another kid (everything from heart break to relief). And I don't want to let fear rule my life decisions, but at the same time, I have to be realistic. I do not have family close by to help if I have a severe relapse. Has anyone been in the same boat? How did you decide what to do? I've been praying and praying, but I still feel so lost.

[SNOOPY]

Hello Mellie Belly and Welcome to MSWorld

Deciding to have a baby or not is something you and your husband need to decide. Each person has a different view/opinion on this topic as well as a different story.

I was diagnosed when I was 24 years old and had been married for 4 years, We did not have any children at the time but something we both wanted.

We did go on to have 2 children, our daughter is now 21 and our son is now 23. I have absolutely no regrets, they are wonderful adults.

I have had 5 relapses in 28 years, 3 of those were quite severe. One (1) of the severe relapses was when my children were 2 and 4 years old.

It was difficult dealing with young children and dealing with such a severe relapse but I did the best I could even making a game out of them racing me. They were excited they beat me to the swing set Little did they know I could barely walk

Some basic information about pregnancy/post-partum:

It is possible to have a relapse while pregnant or post-partum. Being pregnant does not protect you from a relapse.

There is a concern, for many, about passing this disease onto their children. Some have more than one family member with this disease. Even without a family history of MS it is still a concern for many of us.

Discuss your concerns with your neuro and have a serious discussion with your husband. Raising children and having MS has it's challenges but children can be a challenge even for people without MS...children do not come with an owners manual, it's on the job training

[Guzzy]

Hi Mellie Belly
I too am again finding myself agonising over the same issue - DS nearly 5, I'm 40, and I so wish I could have another. Then some days I think thank God I don't have another. I am so conflicted and time is running out. I got the Mirena in last year because I was sure, but recently I got some symptoms that reminded me of early pregnancy (probably just the edge of a bit of food poisoning, in retrospect!), and when my period arrived I have to admit that I was gutted.

What to do?
Most days I need to nap on the couch. My son begs me for a sibling and often cries and says he's lonely. It breaks my heart.

[aitch10]

I don't know what to say. I'm inclined to think that, with your family being far away, you should just enjoy the child you already have.

That said, I had my first son at 35 and waited for two years before deciding to throw caution to the wind and try for DS2... but my family lives nearby. AND DH works from home. That's a lot of help.

Sorry that's no help. I just wanted to let you know I get being older and being torn.

Good luck with your decision.

[Mellie Belly]

Thank you all for your responses and support. It is nice to not feel so alone in this struggle.

Aitch10, when you had your children, how bad were your relapses (assuming you had them after giving birth)? I know everyone's MS is different, but I am trying to get a feel for things.

Guzzy, I hope you, too, are able to find some peace and come to an answer that is right for you.

I have a much older friend who always tells me, "Getting older isn't for the weak." Well, having MS isn't for the weak, either.

[Milhous]

You are going in to this with your eyes wide open. Just because you have another child does not mean you are going to relapse. Make arrangements for the worst -- needing help with the kids.

I had 3 small boys and we wanted another child. I knew I may need help and that the rest of the family would have to help out but we knew it going in. I do not regret having my 4th child and by the time she was 10 I was in a w/c full time but that has not changed how I would have proceeded.

Life is unpredictable... you or your spouse may die or you too my end up in a w/c or not have a relapse.

So keep all the loose ends straightened up and live life as it may be your last day.

[aitch10]

Thank you all for your responses and support. It is nice to not feel so alone in this struggle.

Aitch10, when you had your children, how bad were your relapses (assuming you had them after giving birth)? I know everyone's MS is different, but I am trying to get a feel for things.

Guzzy, I hope you, too, are able to find some peace and come to an answer that is right for you.

I have a much older friend who always tells me, "Getting older isn't for the weak." Well, having MS isn't for the weak, either.

Well, I felt fine during my first pregnancy but the post-partum relapses kicked my butt.

I had way more relapses during my second pregnancy but haven't noticed any significant relapses since I had DS #2.

[maitrimama]

That is a tough spot to be in. The practical side of me would ask - Since you don't have family close by do you have friends or a church (or spiritual) community you could rely on if you needed help? Or maybe more importantly - Can you afford outside help if needed?

My heart says how helpful it could be for your child to have a brother or sister to rely on since you already know they have a mom with ms.

I have found that if I sit quietly with big decisions and seek counsel from those I love and respect the answer will come to you and your husband. Blessings - M

[mother of 2 infants]

Babies make me smile

I have had MS for about 10 years and am 37 years old now. I had 2 babies back to back (with no family around).....they are a year and a half apart (are now ages 1 and 2 1/2). It was/is very very hard (as it would be for anyone). When I first got pregant with our first baby I joined a church and became very active. I received a lot of support when I needed it....especially when baby #2 came around and I had some complications. They love eachother and play nice. I am so glad that we have have 2 babies ( a boy and a girl!) as hard as it can be at times, the love, smiles and giggles are worth it all!!! I wish life didnt have to be so uncomfortable living with MS and I try hard to push through and not think about it much on focus on those beautiful happy faces!

[lorib]

This is my experience with MS and kids. I was diagnosed when I was 23. I had my daughter when I was 27. No post issues with my MS during pregnancy and I didn't relapse until she was 10 months old. I'm pretty sure this relapse was because my DMD was no longer working (I had antibodies to it). The relapse was tough and since I live about 7 hours away from family my mom and mother-in-law both came down to help me a week or so each. We managed okay.

I had my son last April and again my MS was calm during pregnancy and no relapses after his birth. My neurologist had me receive a steroid infusion shortly after the baby was born because there is literature to suggest that the steroids will reduce the likelihood of a post partum relapse.

Admittedly, my MS is relatively mild. The only symptoms I have every day are constant tingling in my left arm/hand, drop foot if I'm in a hurry and walking too fast, and the awful fatigue regardless of how active I am. I probably depend on the 4 year old to help me more than I should, but we've found a balance and she enjoys helping with her little brother.

[Kimba22]

Everyone's experience is going to be different with kids, illness or not. I was undx when I had both of my kids, but now know my symptoms began a few years before I had my 2nd child.

There were some health/ fertility issues with my DH, which presented challenges with having our 2nd child. Not everyone understands what it's like to long for another child, so I understand where you are coming from.

I don't know now if I still would have pursued having a 2nd child if I had already been dx. I was really sick by the time I was dx and my daughter was barely 2. My DH was finishing his master's degree and my son was 8. I had some help from my MIL, thank goodness. I don't know how we would have made it without her.

I was very involved with church and have friends and other family in the area. But, as they say, you can count your true friends when something bad happens. Most turn out just to be acquaintenances who are really only there for social events. Relatives included.

It's a personal decision whether or not to have more children. You and your DH are the ones ultimately responsible for them. No one knows the direction your MS will take, and for that matter, what other life events you will encounter.

I have been very sick several times since my dx several years ago. I was at death's door a couple of times due to complications brought on from my MS. My son is a college student now and doing well, yet my daughter is still in jr. high. Both seem strong in their own way, but it's still not been an easy life for them.

I am grateful to have both children, but it has been HARD. Both have experienced a lot and it has affected my youngest the most. I'm glad they have had each other over the years, but each one still has dealt with things in their own way.

Just realize you may go through a lot, and your family will have to go through it, too. You will need a network of people to lend a hand if you ever need it.

[Expat Texas Mama]

my two cents: I've been diagnosed about a year. I had my 1st child at 27, now at 30 we are trying again. I am currently in relapse and start solumedrol tomorrow. I could relapse all year or the copaxone could kick in. I could have five kids and be in a wheelchair in ten years. Or I could have one child only and be just the same as I am till I am an old lade. Or anything in between

. We are trying for more. While I'm still this healthy. My family live 5000 miles away. Our insurance covers me for some home health. My stepdaughter and my mother can fly in in an emergency. But we mostly just love each other and do the very best we can. I also am homeschooling my 3yo. Its not the right choice for everyone but its the choice we have made. At least one more child. I don't have to do it all at once, after all. just one task at a time.

** Moderator's note - Post broken into paragraphs for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print. **