*sigh* my sister

[Spydre]

I can't remember if I posted this before - but I can't find it, so here goes.

I generally limit contact with my sister by phone. I used to call her to vent about my symptoms, or to catch up, or both, but those phone calls the conversations ended up being all her. Or her telling me to turn all my troubles over to God (I'm an atheist). She's even told me about 2 women she goes to church with who have MS and are "fine" (by her description, no they are not).

Now my dilemma. The last few months, she's been having health problems, with various parts of her body, plus a mind numbing fatigue (that I attributed to depression, as she's bipolar and on no meds). Well, it looks like she has Lupus. Except her ANA test came back negative for it, but she's had the butterfly rash, the doc thinks the fatigue come from it, etc.

Now, I'm even more leery about calling her. While my symptoms are getting worse, I have a feeling that when I call her, the conversations are going to revolve around HER symptoms, HER problems, etc.

Am I being a bad sister? Really, I could use her support right about now, because my problems are progressing, but I'm afraid I'll just not be heard.

[Jules A]

I rarely bother complaining about my MS because the truth is no one really wants to hear it. That said it sounds like your sister might need some support right now so I would encourage you to call her and accept that it will just be about her this time.

If you decide not to call her again or she doesn't return the courtesy so be it. Part of being a good friend/sister etc. is being generous of spirit even if you feel like crud yourself. Just my two cents. Good luck.

[suzq]

The stronger one

I had a lot of situations like that happen when I was first diagnosed. I had always been the strong, common sense one out of my group of friends. Everybody could call me or stop by anytime and I was always full of wisdom and solutions (they set the bar way too high. LOL) for every life problem.

After I was diagnosed and going through the horrible shocked and fatigued phase I would get really annoyed when they continued to call and stop by and never asked how I was. It wasn't all of my friends, just a few.

Then it dawned on me, because I was always the strong one before, they needed me to still be the strong one. They didn't know how to treat me any different.

Maybe your sister sees you as the strong one and really needs your support right now, plus listening to somebody else's problems can sometimes take your mind off your own.

Good luck in whatever way you decide to handle it

[Wordsgood]

I don't know what to tell you, Spydre. I've run into these same issues for a long time. Tell someone, family or not, that you've got your own issues and they immediately make it all about them. Or tell you about someone they know with the same issue, but they are somehow miraculously doing quite well. Or tell you to turn to God.

Or all of the above.

I'm an atheist too, and while I appreciate genuine prayers said on my behalf, most of the religious people I know use their faith to excuse their own bad behaviour or inconsiderate comments. Like treat someone badly, or say something cruel, then tell themselves (and you), that God forgives them (and you).

I heard from a sibling the other day after he'd been treating me like garbage all year, and was downright cruel to me on a number of occasions. I guess he was feeling guilty so called me while plastered (as he usually is) and proceeded to tell me that while he was sorry for how he had behaved at least when I told him about the MS a couple months ago, I had to look at it from "his" point of view. After all, how did I expect HIM to take this kind of news? It was a such a "shock" he didn't know how to appropriately respond!

Um, how about just a simple "I'm so sorry. I'll be here if you need to talk." Not a cruel lecture about how self centred I was for so upset to get such news. You don't think it was a "shock" for me?

After "apologizing" he went on another "moral" rant about seeing the good things in life and not focusing on the bad. Apparently I just need to learn how to have "fun" and not think about having MS. Sorry you drunk, but I have to think about it because wishing it away is not going to help. Nor is pretending nothing is really wrong. We HAVE too focus our entire lives around this freakin' disease. IT rules how, what and when we do things. Not our desires or fantasies!

That said, I can't advise you about how to deal with your sister's problems. I'm sure to her they are very severe, scary and real. But you need to decide how much energy you can expend on trying to be supportive without putting your own needs aside.

Sending hugs for both of you!