i come from a very broken, dysfunctional family. there are generations of drug and alcohol addiction and not a single good role model for a healthy relationship. i grew up without a father. my step dad was abusive and addicted to drugs and alcohol. we are all (mom, brother, sister) very stoic and rarely communicate with each other.
my sister recently attempted suicide and my brother just got out of jail from a parole violation (drug possession). my mother's boyfriend attacked her and threatened her with knives in her kitchen last month after punching out walls, windows and cupboards. he is now in jail.
my siblings are jealous of me because somehow despite everything trying to pull me down (including MS!!) i managed to eek out a college degree in my thirties and am just a few months away from a "normal" life.
i am in a committed relationship and have been for the last two years. i am learning a lot about my partner's character these days and what i am finding out troubles me.
we are so, so different in the way we view the world. our politics are different, our childhoods were different. our life experiences in general have been like night and day.
her family came from cambodia as refugees when she was three. they fled from unimaginable danger and came here as a family, stuck together, supported one another and were able to rise above the nightmare they left behind. because of that she feels entitled to judge anyone who can't make their way how she did.
she has judged me for not attending college straight from high school like she did. she doesn't seem to understand that while she had a family standing around her, protecting her and removing roadblocks, i had a family that was stealing my money, verbally abusing me, and with holding thier love and support. she doesn't seem to understand how these things could hold me back.
she judged me for attending a state school, saying that people who attend state schools are "slackers." never mind that unlike her i didn't have a sister who was helping me pay for school, i didn't have grants available to me, or even a supportive or encouraging word from a family member to make me think that college was possible. i felt fortunate that i was even attending college at all.
she told me that if she was looking at 2 resumes and one person went to a private university and the other a state school she would choose the person who went to the private university simply because they went to a better college. well, i guess i appreciate the viewpoint but it doesn't do a whole lot to encourage or support me as i worked my ***** off for an apparently inferior degree! it was a pretty hurtful comment and she didn't apologize.
my best friend in the world spent about 3 years traveling the U.S. and a few other countries on a shoestring budget, riding freight trains and backpacking. my partner called her homeless. she has nothing but venom and disdain for homeless people. and she actually equated someone who is precious to me with people she does not even value as human beings. and then, after completely insulting someone who is like my sister, who i feel truly understands me and what i have been through, my partner didn't seem to understand why i was upset and offered no apologies for her offensive statements.
last week my brother called. its the first time i have heard from him since he went to jail 8 months ago. we talked for a bit and afterwards she began criticizing and insulting my brother and my mother. its true that i have made disparaging remarks about my family and thier long list of shortcomings and lack of support. but they are still my family. i still worry about them, i still hurt for them, and despite my therapist telling me that i shouldn't, i still long to make things better for them. its a very sensitive subject.
it seems to go in cycles but lately i just feel like there is a long list of hurtful things she has said or done to me that i am having a hard time moving past. my gut keeps telling me to get out, that this is never going to be what i need.
when i think about the future i'm not confident that things will go well. being with me is not the same as being with a healthy person. i know that nothing is guaranteed and tomorrow _________ could happen to anyone, but MS already happened to me, so i am SURE that as things progress i need a caring, supportive and encouraging person by my side more than ever. she doesn't handle change so well and this worries me because life IS change, especially when you have MS.
i am lingering in this place of uncertainty. half the time i'm ready to end this. and the other half of the time i am content. i don't want to waste my time. more than ever i want to spend my healthy days happy and having fun not angry with one another over petty things.
i don't expect it to be all sunshine and roses, but i'm just feeling weary of the eggshells routine.
my sister recently attempted suicide and my brother just got out of jail from a parole violation (drug possession). my mother's boyfriend attacked her and threatened her with knives in her kitchen last month after punching out walls, windows and cupboards. he is now in jail.
my siblings are jealous of me because somehow despite everything trying to pull me down (including MS!!) i managed to eek out a college degree in my thirties and am just a few months away from a "normal" life.
i am in a committed relationship and have been for the last two years. i am learning a lot about my partner's character these days and what i am finding out troubles me.
we are so, so different in the way we view the world. our politics are different, our childhoods were different. our life experiences in general have been like night and day.
her family came from cambodia as refugees when she was three. they fled from unimaginable danger and came here as a family, stuck together, supported one another and were able to rise above the nightmare they left behind. because of that she feels entitled to judge anyone who can't make their way how she did.
she has judged me for not attending college straight from high school like she did. she doesn't seem to understand that while she had a family standing around her, protecting her and removing roadblocks, i had a family that was stealing my money, verbally abusing me, and with holding thier love and support. she doesn't seem to understand how these things could hold me back.
she judged me for attending a state school, saying that people who attend state schools are "slackers." never mind that unlike her i didn't have a sister who was helping me pay for school, i didn't have grants available to me, or even a supportive or encouraging word from a family member to make me think that college was possible. i felt fortunate that i was even attending college at all.
she told me that if she was looking at 2 resumes and one person went to a private university and the other a state school she would choose the person who went to the private university simply because they went to a better college. well, i guess i appreciate the viewpoint but it doesn't do a whole lot to encourage or support me as i worked my ***** off for an apparently inferior degree! it was a pretty hurtful comment and she didn't apologize.
my best friend in the world spent about 3 years traveling the U.S. and a few other countries on a shoestring budget, riding freight trains and backpacking. my partner called her homeless. she has nothing but venom and disdain for homeless people. and she actually equated someone who is precious to me with people she does not even value as human beings. and then, after completely insulting someone who is like my sister, who i feel truly understands me and what i have been through, my partner didn't seem to understand why i was upset and offered no apologies for her offensive statements.
last week my brother called. its the first time i have heard from him since he went to jail 8 months ago. we talked for a bit and afterwards she began criticizing and insulting my brother and my mother. its true that i have made disparaging remarks about my family and thier long list of shortcomings and lack of support. but they are still my family. i still worry about them, i still hurt for them, and despite my therapist telling me that i shouldn't, i still long to make things better for them. its a very sensitive subject.
it seems to go in cycles but lately i just feel like there is a long list of hurtful things she has said or done to me that i am having a hard time moving past. my gut keeps telling me to get out, that this is never going to be what i need.
when i think about the future i'm not confident that things will go well. being with me is not the same as being with a healthy person. i know that nothing is guaranteed and tomorrow _________ could happen to anyone, but MS already happened to me, so i am SURE that as things progress i need a caring, supportive and encouraging person by my side more than ever. she doesn't handle change so well and this worries me because life IS change, especially when you have MS.
i am lingering in this place of uncertainty. half the time i'm ready to end this. and the other half of the time i am content. i don't want to waste my time. more than ever i want to spend my healthy days happy and having fun not angry with one another over petty things.
i don't expect it to be all sunshine and roses, but i'm just feeling weary of the eggshells routine.
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