Heart broken and Angry

[Headswimin]

Ok. I have just spent the better part of an hour reading other posts on here about failing relationships and such. Most of what I have read is about a person who has MS and the relationship is failing because for their partners lack of caring or understanding with the Disease that is changing their lives. I have a small twist on this story. What if you were in a marriage of 10+ years and you got your dx of MS and at the same time your wife recieved a dx of fibromialgia "Please don't count spelling" It has been VERY tough for me to except the MAJOR changes in my life since being dx but its been much worse since my wife is fighting a second battle of her own.

I feel like I'm the problem in our marriage and I'm told I am on a regular basis. I've never been one to say "Poor me" but I now see myself saying that in one way or another all that time. I know my wife didn't ask to get sick just as I didn't but I'm having a lot of trouble not blaming her for alot that has gone so very wrong over the past 3 years. I know she didn't give me the MS. Thats not what I'm trying to say at all. But what I am saying is.... Man! I don't know what I'm saying...

I do blame myself for our money issues. I worked my butt off before my first major flare. "55 to 70 hrs a week" and now I'm struggling to put in 20hrs. Mostly because of the depression. "I think" I feel as though I have let her and my son down. I didn't have the greatest relationship w/ my outlaws before the DX and it has just gotten worse over the past 3 years to the point that I would rather never see them again and this is causing further strain.

I guess what I'm saying is. I think I'm the problem. I'm a VERY angry person and I think my wife is right to be up set with me but I can't seem to change the direction of our marriage and my sanity are heading. I am seeing a counseler and I'm on meds for the depression but I think its a case of "Too little, Too late".

I read a thread that the person was writing about their husband. Saying he was PA. Well I think that story was kind of fitting for me. I felt like their story kind of describe my marriage if my wife was writing the story with the exception of I am seeking help with my issues and I just don't think it will save my marriage. But I think it may save my relationship with my son and my sanity.

I recently found a support group and I'm going to my first meeting tomorrow. I'm hoping that will help me but I feel my heart breaking even as I'm writing this Thread.

I just wanted to write something from the point of view of the troubled spouse causing the hard feelings in a marriage with MS. I can see the pain and heart ache I've caused and I would do anything to take it back but I can't. I can only hope the help I'm seeking can help heal the wounds and stop me from causing more.

[Jules A]

I felt like their story kind of describe my marriage if my wife was writing the story with the exception of I am seeking help with my issues and I just don't think it will save my marriage. But I think it may save my relationship with my son and my sanity.

I recently found a support group and I'm going to my first meeting tomorrow. I'm hoping that will help me but I feel my heart breaking even as I'm writing this Thread.

I just wanted to write something from the point of view of the troubled spouse causing the hard feelings in a marriage with MS. I can see the pain and heart ache I've caused and I would do anything to take it back but I can't. I can only hope the help I'm seeking can help heal the wounds and stop me from causing more.

Thank you for sharing your story and hopefully just "getting it out" provided some relief from the stressful events you are facing.

Good for you that you decided to seek therapy and medication. Feeling better and finding some sense of peace will improve things. It definitely isn't too little too late for your family to feel better no matter what happens with your marriage.

[Cat Mom]

It's never too little and it's never too late! Please don't shoulder all the blame, you are taking measures to correct things... meds, support group, coming here, etc.

You wouldn't place 100% of the blame on your wife would you? If you answer "no" to that, you're not being fair to yourself. 3 years is not a long time, take it 1 day at a time. Don't try to "right your wrongs" from the past 3 years, that's way too overwhelming, just try to work on today. This way, you will see an improvement after just 1 day!

Please keep us posted, it's a big struggle but you can get through it.
Jen

[GandalfRA]

Try Lexapro is wonderful for angry management, depression and anxiety.

[Headswimin]

I've have tried several different Meds for the depression over the last 3 years most did almost nothing right now I'm taking Abilify and it is by far the best I have tried so far. I've only been on it for 2 weeks so far and I feel like a new man. Now I just need to work on the "Improved" part.

I'm not really trying to shoulder all the blame. But it has been the changes to my body and mind that have affected us the most and It was me who chose to work all that time before I got sick instead of spending more time with my family. Yeah the money was good for all of us but We've have kind of proven over the last few years that the money can only do so much. Can't live without it but you only really need so much of it to live. But then again MS isn't cheap...

Thank you for your supportive words.

[Spydre]

It's never just your fault. Your wife is sick as well. I have fibro and MS on top of that, so I know how each can impact the body, and the relationship. While you are trying to provide for your family, you may be leaving the best of yourself at work - I know before I got my disability, that's what I was doing (I suffer from bipolar as well).

You getting diagnosed should not be the reason your marriage is breaking up. Believe it or not, you can get through two people both contending with a life changing disease.

I'm glad you are getting counseling, and are trying medication. It may take some time to get the right fit.

[mommyto3angels]

Its never to late to fix a mairrage!!!!

I just wanted to say it's never to late to fix a mairrage if both people love each other. My situation was a little differant. My husband was a very mean alchohlic. I ended up leaving him after I couldn't take it anymore.

You would think after 5 years of dealing with a mean drunk and 1 1/2 years of seperation there would be no hope but I still took him back after he got help joned AA and started showing me he was changing. Now we have a great relationship and were happier than we've ever been. No one thought we would ever be together again, I didn't even think there was hope for us. Its differant than your situation but I just wanted to show you a example that its not to late.

You have already started to fix your problems and thats the start of fixing the relationship. Relationships take two people though so I'm sure the problems are two sided. Even though drinking was the biggest isssue in my marriage there were things I had to work on as well. Theres always two sides to the problems, yours might be bigger but your wife needs to accept her issues as well.I would suggest you guys go to mairrage counceling as well as all the counciling and things you are doing on your own.

Good luck and I hope you end up with a stronger and happier marriage at the end of this.

[suzq]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. MS and fibromyalgia have so many of the same emotional issues. Depression is prevalent with both diseases so I'm glad the Abilify seems to be helping.

I was diagnosed with MS after being married for only four years (we have been married 25 years). My husband was amazing and was always my biggest support. I was in a wheelchair full-time a year after my diagnosis and he was with me every step of the way.

My MS was stable until about seven years ago when a major flare disabled me substantially more. Everything changed so much that our stress levels began to take a toll on both of us. Like you, I was very angry and depressed and he got the brunt of that anger. I was so consumed with my own pain I didn't notice that he'd shut down. Before I knew it he was telling me he had met somebody new and was in love with her. I was devastated but after much soul-searching, counseling and communicating we both decided we didn't want to end the marriage.

It took some time but slowly we were able to see those things in each other again that made us fall in love in the first place. It was by no means easy, and at times I didn't think we could do it but in the end it was so worth it.

I'm hoping my story will help you to see that the anger will lessen and the depression will lift. When that happens you will be able to look at your situation with a clear mind and decide how to move forward in a healthy manner.

[AnnaMae7]

Hey there.....

I am truly sorry for how your feeling and for what your going through. Its really hard being sick....I hate it. I am probably one of the threads you read about, my Husband left me.

We were together 20 years and I just signed my papers. I am really mixed with my emotions. I am angry that he would leave when I needed him most, but yet I am excited and scared at the same time about being on my own for the first time ever in my life.

Would I take him back, I don't know.....you can't be with someone for 20 years and just stop loving them or at least I can't. I don't know if it would work out, even with seeing a marriage councilor and we would need that.

The one thing I do know is yes, there are many threads about marriages/relationships splitting up when MS came into play, but even in my case , I knew my marriage needed help and didn't do anything when I could of but then neither did he. MS was just the straw that broke the camels back. There are so many people with MS that their spouse/partner didn't leave them and they are out there for you to talk to and for support.

You should come into the chat room sometime, great support there. You would see many folks that haven't split up there. Talking to them and listening to their stories may be a help to you. The problems they overcame, the struggles. I am sure it hasn't been a easy road for all of them. Anyway, I truly wish you the best of luck in your path that lies ahead of you. I hope that you are able to make whatever path you take work for you.

AnnaMae

[Headswimin]

Thank You all for you're supportive words and I do have some hope of things getting better between us but she is refusing to go see a marriage counceler she seems to think it won't help at all. So I have really changed things up a little. I'm going to get MYSELF on the way to making "Me" better and not worry so much about our marriage. I need to fix things with my son and be a better father no matter what happens with the marriage. Things being as they are I'm starting to think maybe splitting up wouldn't be such a bad thing. She really has the ability to put me in the dumps even after I have had a wonderful day. I love her but this isn't good for any of us. Maybe some time away would do us some good. I don't know....

[Scooter24]

Things being as they are I'm starting to think maybe splitting up wouldn't be such a bad thing.

You find that you are correct on your thinking, As I posted in another thread my wife of 29 yrs walked out sunday, I am much more relaxed and don't start dreading the time for her to arrive home from work and surely have an argument about something.

In the last 4 days since she left I have had more contact and more conversation with my children than we have had in the last year. I was on the phone with our youngest for over 2 hrs last night. If her leaving means I have a better relationship with my children then so be it. Our oldest told me today she didn't like to come over as she felt uncomfortable when we were both here.

I am not saying for you 2 to split up but it is something to think about and the possible benefits of such. Good luck either way.

[LisaL77]

Read a book called 'His Needs, Her Needs'. It changed our lives