Just started dating a girl with MS and need advice

[EyesWideOpen]

Hi all...44 yr old male here...she is 39 (diagnosed in 2006)...we had our first date this past Sunday (no, her profile on match.com did not say she had MS)...we played putt-putt and had a great time and then we walked over to a close by park...I shared intimate info about me...she then told me about her MS...I did not "run for the hills"...we are going out tonight for dinner and have made plans for this weekend...I really want this to be a rock-solid relationship so I am researching as best I can...I do not plan on babying her (in fact the only the thing I am going to be cognizant of is heat and making sure she is not exposed to to much sun)...does this sound like the right track to take? And any additional advice would be greatly appreciated...take care all

[MtnHigh]

One I think it's great that you are looking into what MS is... but being female myself, and knowing that MS acts different to each and everyone person... this is what I would say to you..

Yes you can read up on MS... but ASKING her about "her" MS, is what is really going to help you. Heat might not get to her, cold might. I am almost worse in cold then in heat.

If you want to keep it open and honest then I would just ask her what she feels about her MS and what she thinks or can't do, and to be open with you when she is tried and not feeling good. Even if you have a date set up, she might have to say no, because she is having a rough day.

[BigA]

Bravo for wanting to "do your research", but MS is so different in every person that no one can tell you except her.

now I'll give you my caveots:

1) MS fatigue is almost universal and is not like any fatigue you've had. You won't be able to understand it, but you need to accept hers.

2) MS can cause depression without any reason, so everything can be perfect and a person may still have a mild depression.

3) As the other poster noted, just ask.

And a little humor: About the most offensive thing you can say to a person with MS is "You look good", which may present a dilemma when dating a woman with MS. Maybe say "you look beautiful", lol.

[TLC_31]

“No, her profile on match.com did not say she had MS.”

As long as you point that out, I’m curious, how would you have reacted to that?

It’s best that any of us with MS (or about any disease) don’t point it out, because we don’t want it to define us. Mine is not readily apparent, and in the few “first dates” I had in the last couple of years, I didn’t bother mentioning it. I presume your date mentioned hers mostly because you shared “intimate info” and she wanted to reciprocate. Perhaps it just doesn't impact her life that much, and she didn't mind sharing but she hadn't planned to originally; be careful to not make her MS a bigger deal for you than it is for her.

My next questions might be (if you haven’t asked yet), “How do you treat your MS?” and “How has your life changed since you were diagnosed?” The answers will give you much of the direction you seek … and then you can get on to the plethora of her other qualities and traits that have nothing to do with MS.

One site for a good general MS synopsis is here: http://www.nationalmssociety.org/abo...sis/index.aspx

Don’t over-research and don’t overadvise. Unless I ask, I don’t want an acquaintance or friend to advise me what drug to use or how often to get an MRI, etc., just as I don’t want them to tell me what kind of car to buy or who to vote for, all because they read something on the internet. Forums like MSWorld are great, but you find conflicting opinions and even information presented as fact that isn’t quite accurate. That said, bring her with you (maybe she’s already here?) and ask questions anytime!

[Bob698]

Just to add some more..

After I started doing the shots I was talking with a bud and excused myself to get the shot done.
They said they didn't mind sticking around and were totally cool about me injecting meds.

Now, maybe they wanted to prove something to me or to themselves. Maybe they thought they were cool enough and could handle watching it.

But I have to be honest, it really creaped me out.

Maybe the two of you should just date for a while and get to know each other. Forget the MS stuff and figure out if the the of you have a future.

[Redwings]

Hi Eyes:
Your heart is in the right place, but all of this after only one date? You don't even know yet if you and this lady are compatible, and already you're pushing for a rock-solid relationship?

I think it's admirable that you've done research about MS so you can talk to her about it intelligently and sensitively. But, as a woman, your going into a forum to start discussing it strikes me as coming on a bit strong, to the point a being a little scary. Really.

I have to agree with everyone else. Ask her what she wants you to know and what she needs to be comfortable. Then back off the MS stuff and just date and get to know each other. Sometimes it doesn't take much before a warm sharing of intimate details turns into someone feeling uncomfortably overexposed. And avoid at all costs the temptation to second guess anything she says or does because, since you've researched MS, you think she must really mean something else, because she has MS.

MS doesn't make or break a relationship. The people involved make or break a relationship. Your attention should be on who you both are as people, not on her MS or your intimate information. Good luck!

[mommyto3angels]

As a 31yr old female I would think you were obsessive and be very weary of going out with you again if you were doing this much research into my health after 1 date. I think you need to slow down and get to know her on a personal level before you worry about health conditions. MS is a tramatic disease but it doesn't have to control us or our families. I agree with a lot of privious posters who said just get to know her for now and worry about the rest later

[EyesWideOpen]

2nd date update

Greetings to all and thanks for the responses...last night went really well.

A few caveats...I am around the disabled quite a bit...there is a disability coalition down the hallway from my office...I know a lot more ADA & Fair Housing laws than that of the average layman...I appreciate the advice on the "you look good today" statement because I could see how that may be offensive (thank goodness I haven't said it)...she is on meds (don't know which ones) and she is home on disability (though she says she wants and can go back to work)...she had a recent flare when she moved from one place to another so she is a little more fatigued right now and we are hoping that it is not the new "norm" for her but I assured her that if it is we could work around it...otherwise, her MS is not apparent to others

Some of you may say this is quite a bit after only a 2nd date...we had emailed/text/phone calls for several days prior to the first date...when we finally met for putt-putt and prior to her telling me about her MS, well, let's just say romance can pop out and knock you on the head from out of the blue.

She did admit that she had no intentions of telling me about her MS for quite some time into our dating...if it got that far...but you know what? I am glad she did as I honestly do not know how I would of taken the news at a a later date...BUT, as far as I have read about disclosing to not only romance partners or even friends about your MS I honestly could not say how I would handle it.

So far we have only talked about her MS when she brings it up...I have no plans on telling my family or friends and am going to leave that up to her...As you nice people say I am not dating MS, I am dating her. Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted.

Have a great day all!!!

[Jules A]

As a 31yr old female I would think you were obsessive and be very weary of going out with you again if you were doing this much research into my health after 1 date. I think you need to slow down and get to know her on a personal level before you worry about health conditions. MS is a tramatic disease but it doesn't have to control us or our families. I agree with a lot of privious posters who said just get to know her for now and worry about the rest later

In Eyeswideopen's position I think it is wise and also thoughtful to be researching early on.

MS absolutely does have the ability to control what happens to their future family. She is on disability now so he needs to be prepared for the implications of what MS has already taken from her and what their future could be like.

People will say no one knows what the future holds which is true but for people with MS I believe we have a bit more of an idea of what time might bring.

Personally with regard to dating sites I feel it is important to disclose up front. This is different than just meeting someone in the grocery store and striking up a conversation which leads to dating. If you are actively looking for a relationship I believe it is only fair to be truthful upfront so the other person isn't put on the spot with something that would be a deal breaker for them.

[BigA]

Hi Eyes:
I think it's admirable that you've done research about MS so you can talk to her about it intelligently and sensitively. But, as a woman, your going into a forum to start discussing it strikes me as coming on a bit strong, to the point a being a little scary. Really.

I think it just means he felt they hit it off and he wants to make it work by doing his research.

But deffo good advice perhaps not to mention "I was on MS world and so and so said..."

[Westgrl]

As a 37 year old single woman, I don't think there's anything wrong with him researching MS based on a couple dates.

If I went out with someone that gave me those feelings of butterflies in the stomach & wanting to see where it goes, I would want to see what was in store as well if they told me they had a disease or disorder that I knew little about.

Let's face it, if he were to decide this is all too much, I would rather know now than after several months of dating & growing feelings. But if he bombards her with questions, she may feel like he's overly worried or only interested in her MS. At least by doing the research on his own, he is educating himself without over burdening her. This, combined with some well placed questions to her, and he will know more about what she is facing.

As a single woman, I would rather a man take an interest then have some guy go in blind, totally clueless & at the first sign of a flare turn & run.

[Jules A]

As a 37 year old single woman, I don't think there's anything wrong with him researching MS based on a couple dates.

If I went out with someone that gave me those feelings of butterflies in the stomach & wanting to see where it goes, I would want to see what was in store as well if they told me they had a disease or disorder that I knew little about.

Let's face it, if he were to decide this is all too much, I would rather know now than after several months of dating & growing feelings. But if he bombards her with questions, she may feel like he's overly worried or only interested in her MS. At least by doing the research on his own, he is educating himself without over burdening her. This, combined with some well placed questions to her, and he will know more about what she is facing.

As a single woman, I would rather a man take an interest then have some guy go in blind, totally clueless & at the first sign of a flare turn & run.

Very well put.

[BigA]

Aren't we all so wonderfully different? My 10yo son was watching me on this site and remarked that I belonged to a club based on my disease. He just thought that was the most ridiculous thing, lol.

[Jules A]

Aren't we all so wonderfully different? My 10yo son was watching me on this site and remarked that I belonged to a club based on my disease. He just thought that was the most ridiculous thing, lol.

I love it!

[Barbierow]

Hi Eyes Wide Open

I can give you the female's perspective because I started dating someone the same way. I told him right up front that I had MS. That way, I figured if I was going to scare him away, I'd rather know right away. Well, He didn't run scared. We dated for six years. Unfortunately, he got sick and I lost him to cancer two years ago. So, obviously, life is uncertain for all of us. The best advice I can give you is to understand that people with MS have to use adaptive ways of doing things. This girl sounds like she's doing very well. People can go without symptoms for years. The bottom line is that life is too short. Take advantage of the time you can share with her. Everyone deserves the best life they can have. Have fun!
Barbierow