Mother issues...

[catmama]

Hi,

I know that's a goofy title, but it's true. I need some advice on how to handle a sensitive situation with my mom, or better yet, how to handle how I react to it without commiting homicide or suicide.

My mom, age 75 is in the process of having to leave her home of 33 years due to financial problems and poor retirement planning on her part. I am very sympathetic to her situation and really feel for her. She's not able to afford to live on her own, so I have asked her and her dog to come and live with me. I can't afford to provide her with her own apartment as she'd like to have, as I had to leave my home due to retirement from MS and a substantial drop in income as well as physical limitations from MS.

My problems start with her being an outright SLOB! She's been here almost 2 months and hasn't lifted a finger to help out. I've cut her some slack on this because she's supposed to be at her house cleaning up, etc., but I find her at the mall, park, a friends house, everywhere except where she is supposed to be.

She wanted a bike to go bike riding, so I bought us both bikes, one ride of about 50 feet and she decided she was to fat to ride. I suggested she join me at the YMCA for the senior "healthy back" and "stretch and balance" classes, she went once and decided she was to fat for that also. I suggested we join weight watchers and she was all for it, until I told her we'd have to cook.

One day when she was out doing whatever, I decided to push myself hard to clean house for company coming. This is what I did in 9 hours, 7 loads of laundry, dusted, vacuummed, cleaned both bathrooms, cleaned and polished the kitchen appliances, did the dishes that had been there for 3 days, cleaned out the fridge, took out the trash, walked her dog 3 times, swept and mopped all the floors, watered all the plants inside and out, and then made us dinner.

The next 2 days when I could hardly walk, she says to me, "Well, you did to much." And I responded, "Well, somebody has to do it!"

As I said before, she's been here almost 2 months, and she has maybe made dinner 1 time. She always asks me what's for dinner, and if I say something like, I don't know or "There's blah, blah, in the freezer we could thaw out and cook," she responds with "I'm not cooking!" "My feet hurt!" Yah well, my whole frickin' body hurts. Ice cream or watermelon or potatoe chips end up being her dinner.

I usually pick up and clean up on a daily basis so things don't get out of control, but I can't keep up with her and her dog! She has a major "blow out" in the bathroom and expects me to clean it up. She stays up until all hours and then sleeps half of the day away. Her dog has gotten in the habit of waking me up at 5 AM to go outside, so here I go, stummbling around in the dark with a poop bag. Problem is, I usually can't go back to sleep after that, so I'm up and going with 5 or 6 hours of sleep, when I'm used to 8, you know how that goes with the MS fatigue.

I know I'm in the whine mode, but man, I just don't know what to do about her. I love her to death, and of course I'm glad to have her around, but I can't keep up the pace of being the cook, cleaner, dog walker, launderer, gardener, etc.. I feel like I'm going to blow any second now!!! I've neglected my normal routines that I do to stay active and feel better, but now I'm so tired after doing my "chores," that I just don't have the energy to do anything beyond lying on the couch for the rest of the day. She tells me how boring it is here and how boring I am when she finally rolls out of bed, gets dressed and made up and wants to go "run the streets" at 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Heck, my day is done, I've been up almost 12 hours taking care of things, of course I don't want to go out!

I think what really gets me is she has been telling friends, family, etc., that she is moving in with me because I can no longer take care of myself. HUH!

What should I do? I feel like I'm about to rip her a new one, but I also know that would be pointless.

Any advice is welcome, and thanks for letting me rant and rave.

[LisaL77]

Wow

Oh. My. Goodness.



Do you have the ability to let the dog out on a lead? That would be more efficient for you. That dog wakes up early because SHE neglected to take him out the night before at bedtime.

You need to set some limits with her. She needs to pitch in right away, and perhaps she can pay for a cleaner to visit each week with the savings of not maintaining her own home.

THIS IS NOT A HOTEL. That is what I tell my family members.

Plan a weeks worth of evening meals: For example.....

Chicken
Beef
Fish
Salad night
Bean/vegetarian
Pork
Sandwich and Soup night

Buy a bunch of frozen veggies, they have so many kinds that are plain or with sauces.

Get some pasta, rice, cous cous, quinoa as the starch side dish.

Get lots of Mrs. Dash spice blends and marinades to jazz up the meat and sides.

Each night, take out the meat/main dish FOR TOMORROW from the freezer if needed. Lay out on plate on shelf in fridge to thaw. In the morning, put meat in marinade to 'stew' all day while you are at work.

Sounds like she does not enjoy cooking, what did she do while you were growing up? If you take the cooking responsibility, perhaps she can clean one major thing each weekday. For example:

Monday: Bathrooms
Tuesday: Kitchen
Wednesday: Dust whole house
Thursday: Vacuum/dust mop
Friday: Mop

Hopefully she is contributing financially. I feel bad for you. I hope you can resolve this.

[Jules A]

OMG that sounds horrible! Are there any reduced rate senior citizen apartments nearby that she could afford?

It is so nice that you invited her to move in with you but it really sounds like it is going to cause your health to decline in addition to your piece of mind.

People may disagree but I'm just not that generous with my personal space and yes, my Mom knows, we will never even attempt to live under the same roof.

[catmama]

Is it time for bed yet?

Thanks ladies.

I have lived alone since 1994, never in a million years would I have thought that this would end up happening.

I chose to have left over lasagna tonight, apparently it wasn't what she wanted, so now she is eating peanuts from the shell for dinner, guess where most of the shells are going?

And yes, I do help her out financially, I pay her medical insurance premiums monthly.

Can you say, "SUCKER!"

I will see how the rest of the evening goes, I've told her that it is now her responsibility to at least take care of the watering of the outdoor plants as it is about 98 degres outside.

I will post more later, and thanks for your suggestions, I will roll those around in my brain this evening.

[Bob698]

Yeah, this one's tricky.
Lisa and Jules have covered a lot of the territory. Somehow, you have to convince her that you can't carry all the water all the time or be her maid. You could try the sneaky approach of giving her fliers from assisted living centers and hoping that scares some sense into her or just be direct and tell her she has to start pulling her own weight because you can't do it for her.
The dog might be cute but its her responsabilty to take care of it.
Make sure she understands that you like a clean house. I like the idea of a weekly chore list. It isn't too pushy, its just stuff that has to happen each week. Maybe pick a couple (or more) days where she has to cook and clean up afterward?

[Jules A]

You definitely aren't a sucker! You are a caring daughter and justified in your frustration.

What sticks out at me is your focus on what she is or isn't eating for dinner after you fend for yourself. Who cares if she eats only peanuts? (although there is the issue of where she deposits the shells, lol) If she is being stubborn about it I'd force her hand and let her eat whatever it is she can scrape together until she starts cooking or assisting with meal purchase/planning in some capacity. Or perhaps she just felt like eating peanuts? Last night I ate a huge bowl of rice pudding and later tortilla chips with salsa and that was it.

I wonder if your kindness and increased concern aren't encouraging some of her dependent behavior? Maybe not but in any event she can not continue to take advantage nor would it be good for you to get to the point where you are so angry that you blow up at her and say hurtful things.

Would you consider talking to a counselor? There are many low cost or even free services to assist people to navigate through relationship issues. Maybe you can negotiate a more respectful living situation or not but either way I think getting a professional,objective opinion wouldn't hurt.

Best wishes you you and please keep us posted!

[catmama]

I should write a book about all of this!

I will try to address some of the good advice from you all.

Unfortunately, there are no senior complexes near me that she could afford. There are a few that are less expensive, but they are in basically the ghetto part of town, and after reviewing crime reports for the areas, I don't think I'd want her living there. I have thought about trying to help her out in one of the better ones, but I'd have to give her a substantial amount of money every month, and I need to plan for my needs in the future, I can't do both.

I know that I am definitely enabling her behavior, and yes I do feel that she is "playing" me at times. The boyfriend pointed out several things he's been observing, that I wasn't aware of.

As far as counseling, she's always been of the mindset that if there's a problem it's usually someone elses fault, never hers. I can remember that wayback from childhood, when her and my dad would argue.

An example of this is, last night when I asked her to water outside, it became a disaster. Mind you, there are only about 8 potted plants on the patio, but she managed to turn it into a drama fest. I'm in the bathroom, trying to get ready for a bath, when I hear the crash/bang/boom coming from outside, so I find my robe and head out there, only to find her trying to upright a plant stand and plant, dirt everywhere as well as most of the flowers. I asked her if she was okay, and she yells back at me, "It's this stupid hose, it got caught on the plant stand, you shouldn't have these here.!" Again, somehow my fault. She thinks I don't know what's up, if she keeps screwing things up that I ask her to do, then maybe I won't ask her anymore, and I can do it. Hah,
destroy em' all, cuz I'm not falling for that crap.

And as far as her cooking when I was growing up, I don't really remember that, other than holidays. She worked late, and also played on a traveling sports team, so I usually fended for myself, or headed to my Grandmother's house for dinner. Heck, I had never seen fresh green beans, asparagus, or broccoli until I was out of the house at 17.

As I laid in bed last night, I had similar thoughts to what Jules said, I'm just going to let her fend for herself for dinner. If she wants to eat her maple goodies, and butterfingers for dinner so be it! I am going to join weight watchers as soon as I end this post, and I'm going to take care of me before anything or anyone else! In fact, this morning when I got up and after my cup of coffee and assurance that my legs were still attached, I went on a bike ride for about an hour, what a joy! But of course, as soon as I rolled the bike out and she heard it, the question of breakfast came up, and I told her, well, either wait til I come back, or fix yourself something to eat!

The boyfriend and I are leaving early in the morning for a get away day, and I can't wait! I'll use the time to think about my plans for cooking, cleaning, and fiance discussions. Usually, she always wants to tag along, but we're taking the Harley . I'm just waiting for her to ask him to put a sidecar on it for her! HA! HA!

Thanks again for the support and advice, I will keep you all informed!

[JayEm]

My experience with people who have acted like your description of your mother has been that the best thing (for me, anyways) is to focus on taking care of myself, and work on repeating to myself "their problems are not my problems. It's not my job to solve them."

Those people have tended to push and push until (sometimes after a loooooong time) they finally understood that they couldn't make me solve their problems for them. It can be really tough to do, but in the long run, it worked better than continuing to do things their way.

I've needed to work really hard on setting boundaries (no peanut shells on the floor would be one of mine!), and people tend to resist those like crazy, or act like you're doing something wrong when you set them.

But playing their way is a losing game for everyone involved, because my experience with people who act that way is that you can never do enough to get some peace or help. And I never got them to help themselves--some of the people eventually did, but it was when they decided to, not when I tried to help them.

Good luck. I hope you and your boyfriend can have a nice, relaxing weekend, and that you can get a break for a while.

[New normal]

Whoa....Cat mama!

Amen to all who have posted.

Little to add other than DNA does not chain one to another....it is simply a biogenic linkage...no where is it written one must endure abusive / rude behavior from someone who simply originates from the same gene pool. Guilt is supposed to help us choose the right course for our lives, not enslave us to destruction.

Try this: read your thread again as if it were someone else...then think what you would advise them to do...then do it. Your post cries out a perverted toxic relationship that must end...now...not evolve, devolve, simmer...END...as in STOP...as in FINI !!

I am well aware it is hard....but a bus ticket to somewhere cd do it...you do not owe your health and life to a person who is stripping your emotional energy.

Please keep posting....let us know...and enjoy that exhilarating bike ride with one who loves you!!

We care.

[palmtree]

This sounds like a power struggle. The more you clean, the more she messes things up. I wonder if you could create territories. One for you and one for her. If she has her own room you can put a refrigerator in it and she have have her pigsty. She can keep all of her food in there. Let her eat the junk she wants. Then you can have your own kitchen and, hopefully bedroom and living room. She can go to the park and all the other places she goes.

Another approach might be to try messing things up yourself until she reaches her level of disgust. From what you say, that sounds like a very low standard. This approach might be miserable. This is very tough. Good luck.