Need some advice on how to help bf get motivated
My boyfriend was diagnosed with MS this past August.
We had only been living together since May 2011 before he found out, and we were together maybe 5 months before that. I am older than him, he is in his mid-20s, and I am in my early 40s. I kind of feel I have to share this because it's not so much his MS that's the problem...it's really him. But, I just don't know how much of his actions are just him or the MS making him "act out" or just that he's depressed. I feel terrible for numerous reasons.
I am not sure what to do about our current situation. He just signed a year lease, is on disability, and I work from home. We both pay half the rent, he pays electric, and I pay for the internet and our food. I've had to pay for other bills/things at times as needed. We both pay for our own cell phones, he pays for his truck. He was working until a week before he was diagnosed.
When he first was diagnosed, I said nothing about the future for about two months. I figured he needed to adjust to the news, but I don't think anyone ever truly does. I just kept doing everything, cleaning, etc. and didn't say anything about his personal habits.
Anytime I try to ease into a conversation now about the future or his habits, he usually tells me to shut up and stop nagging him.
He plays video games all day, from the moment he wakes up until about 2-3am. Sometimes he might stop and go downstairs and watch tv. He has no desire to do anything at all. He rarely showers, or brushes his teeth. Sometimes I think this is due to his age at times, other days I think maybe it's the MS. There were times before diagnosis that he would not shower or brush his teeth. One of the few times he did talk to me about showering more, he said he can't stand that long in the shower, I offered to buy him a chair for the shower, he refused my offer.
Needless to say, we do not have sex, have not for some time. I just cannot bring myself to touch him when he won't take better care with his personal hygiene.
He doesn't help around the apt with cleaning or do anything for the most part. He says he can't stand and do the dishes, however, he will go outside to smoke (yes, he smokes and refuses stop) and crouches down in front of the door.
I know he feels horrible pretty much every day, and takes Betaseron every other day. He can't sleep - so he says that why he stays up playing video games. Even though I have offered to cook many times...he would rather just run out and get fast food. It's to the point where I stop suggested I'd cook something, because he won't try new things or eat healthier.
It just kills me to see him sit there wasting hours on video games, sleeping all day...doing nothing and just coasting through his life these days. I know there is a lot of fatigue involved with MS, and days you feel terrible. I just don't see him doing anything to help his situation at all.
He can't afford the physical therapy that was suggested, but his doctor suggested that he stretch at home or walk on a treadmill or just go outside and walk a little bit each day. He doesn't do this, just refuses. He also refuses to go to support meetings, or do anything really to find any sort of help with this. I had been researching sites for MS - grants, support, whether or not he could work again if he chose to, etc. But, it was a waste of my time, because he thinks any information I share with him is nagging as well.
I've been debating about leaving him, and I feel terrible about even thinking this. I just don't know what to do anymore and I know neither of us are happy these days. I also feel maybe I've enabled some of this behavior, but I probably thought I was being supportive by letting him just do what he wanted those first couple of months after his diagnosis. I just can't seem to help him get motivated to making necessary lifestyle changes or do anything about planning for a future.
Maybe I sound like a jerk for even saying that, and I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, was not my intention. I have really no one else to talk to about this. I've read plenty of stories online about peoples experiences - many were married for many years, just was unable to glean any sort of advice with this.
I do not want to hurt him, or leave him in a terrible situation. But, I think no matter what, we are both going to hurt. I do really care for him and love him. However, I feel that if we cannot work this out, that I cannot stay another year watching him play video games and not making any lifestyles changes.
We had only been living together since May 2011 before he found out, and we were together maybe 5 months before that. I am older than him, he is in his mid-20s, and I am in my early 40s. I kind of feel I have to share this because it's not so much his MS that's the problem...it's really him. But, I just don't know how much of his actions are just him or the MS making him "act out" or just that he's depressed. I feel terrible for numerous reasons.
I am not sure what to do about our current situation. He just signed a year lease, is on disability, and I work from home. We both pay half the rent, he pays electric, and I pay for the internet and our food. I've had to pay for other bills/things at times as needed. We both pay for our own cell phones, he pays for his truck. He was working until a week before he was diagnosed.
When he first was diagnosed, I said nothing about the future for about two months. I figured he needed to adjust to the news, but I don't think anyone ever truly does. I just kept doing everything, cleaning, etc. and didn't say anything about his personal habits.
Anytime I try to ease into a conversation now about the future or his habits, he usually tells me to shut up and stop nagging him.
He plays video games all day, from the moment he wakes up until about 2-3am. Sometimes he might stop and go downstairs and watch tv. He has no desire to do anything at all. He rarely showers, or brushes his teeth. Sometimes I think this is due to his age at times, other days I think maybe it's the MS. There were times before diagnosis that he would not shower or brush his teeth. One of the few times he did talk to me about showering more, he said he can't stand that long in the shower, I offered to buy him a chair for the shower, he refused my offer.
Needless to say, we do not have sex, have not for some time. I just cannot bring myself to touch him when he won't take better care with his personal hygiene.
He doesn't help around the apt with cleaning or do anything for the most part. He says he can't stand and do the dishes, however, he will go outside to smoke (yes, he smokes and refuses stop) and crouches down in front of the door.
I know he feels horrible pretty much every day, and takes Betaseron every other day. He can't sleep - so he says that why he stays up playing video games. Even though I have offered to cook many times...he would rather just run out and get fast food. It's to the point where I stop suggested I'd cook something, because he won't try new things or eat healthier.
It just kills me to see him sit there wasting hours on video games, sleeping all day...doing nothing and just coasting through his life these days. I know there is a lot of fatigue involved with MS, and days you feel terrible. I just don't see him doing anything to help his situation at all.
He can't afford the physical therapy that was suggested, but his doctor suggested that he stretch at home or walk on a treadmill or just go outside and walk a little bit each day. He doesn't do this, just refuses. He also refuses to go to support meetings, or do anything really to find any sort of help with this. I had been researching sites for MS - grants, support, whether or not he could work again if he chose to, etc. But, it was a waste of my time, because he thinks any information I share with him is nagging as well.
I've been debating about leaving him, and I feel terrible about even thinking this. I just don't know what to do anymore and I know neither of us are happy these days. I also feel maybe I've enabled some of this behavior, but I probably thought I was being supportive by letting him just do what he wanted those first couple of months after his diagnosis. I just can't seem to help him get motivated to making necessary lifestyle changes or do anything about planning for a future.
Maybe I sound like a jerk for even saying that, and I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, was not my intention. I have really no one else to talk to about this. I've read plenty of stories online about peoples experiences - many were married for many years, just was unable to glean any sort of advice with this.
I do not want to hurt him, or leave him in a terrible situation. But, I think no matter what, we are both going to hurt. I do really care for him and love him. However, I feel that if we cannot work this out, that I cannot stay another year watching him play video games and not making any lifestyles changes.
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