LOSING MY MARRIAGE BATTLE

[swiddy99]

I HAVE BEEN DX WITH MS GOING ON 13YRS. MY HUSBAND AND I ARE ABOUT TO HAVE OUR 5YR ANNIVERSARY.

ONE OF THE BIGGEST REASONS I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM WAS BECAUSE ON OUR FIRST DATE WE TALKED ABOUT MY MS AND HE WAS COMPLETELY SUPPORTIVE, UNDERSTANDING, AND TOLD ME HE WOULD TAKE CARE OF ME NO MATTER WHAT.

WELL 5YRS LATER THINGS HAVE CHANGED SO MUCH BETWEEN US. I'M FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO HAVE MORE GOOD DAYS THAN BAD AND HE SEE'S THAT AS I AM HEALTHY AND JUST FINE.

I HAVE TRIED TALKING TO HIM ABOUT THE SPOON THEORY AND HE JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT. I CONTINUE TO PUSH AND PUSH MYSELF TO PLEASE HIM AND FEEL LIKE MY LUCK WILL SOON RUN OUT.

IN MY HEART I DO NOT FEEL LIKE IF I WERE TO HAVE A REALLY BAD RELAPSE AGAIN THAT HE WOULD BE THERE FOR ME BUT AT THE SAME TIME I STAY WITH ME BECAUSE I AM SO AFRAID OF BEING ALONE.

I AM FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT ON HIM PAYING OUR BILLS DUE TO MY LACK OF HOLDING DOWN ANYTHING BUT PART TIME WORK. I CANNOT APPLY FOR SSD BECAUSE I AM NOT DISABLED JUST HAVE LIMITATIONS.

IT DOES NOT FEEL LIKE A MARRIAGE I LIVE IN, IT'S MORE LIKE ROOMMATES THAT JUST KIND OF IGNORE AND PUT UP WITH THE THINGS THAT IRRITATE US ABOUT EACH OTHER.

HE WONT COMMUNICATE WITH ME SO I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW HE HONESTLY FEELS AND HE REFUSES TO GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING WITH ME.

I KNOW THAT I CANT CHANGE HIM. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO NOT FEEL SO TRAPPED. I HAVE THIS ONE LIFE THAT I FEEL LIKE I'M WASTING BY BEING MISERABLE ALL BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE.

PLEASE SOMEBODY OUT THERE TELL ME I'M NOT COMPLETELY MAD BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I AM AT A SERIOUS BREAKING POINT.

THANKS FOR LISTENING,
TRAPPED

[Jules A]

Hi,
I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. Please consider seeking counseling for yourself. He does not have to attend for you to reap the benefits.

Perhaps now is the time to start considering ways to become more financially independent especially if you suspect your husband might not continue to be supportive of you as time wears on. Having a plan such as investigating inexpensive apartments and considering a room-mate to help share expenses etc. might just give you piece of mind should it be necessary.

I can't imagine how scary it must be to be dependent on someone but exploring ways to take more control might make you feel better about yourself and also encourage your husband to be more appreciative of you. Good luck.

[greeneyegal]

I understand what you're feeling.

I was just reading through your message and had to create a user i.d. just so I could log on and respond to you. I too have MS. I have been married for over 10 years and have a 7 year old and a 4 year old. I was only diagnosed about 2 years ago.

Unfortunately I am currently going through a divorce. You're story just resonated with me. I felt like my husband and I lived as room mates as well. He was withdrawn, emotionally detached, and didn't share his thoughts or feelings. I managed to get him to go to a few couples' therapy sessions before he told me that he was moving out. We didn't fight, and rarely even argued.

It was just as though he had checked out of the relationship. He never took any interest in learning more about what I was going through with MS, and I think he just glanced over the spoon theory that I had printed out for him.

I understand what you're encountering is scary. I was scared out of my mind when my husband dropped all of this in my lap about 7 months ago. He moved out 4 months ago, and I was served with divorce papers last week.

The best thing that you can do for yourself is to take steps to allow you to feel that you have some control over what is going on. Jules mentioned to start looking for jobs and apartments. She's right. The fear of the unknown will kill you. I found that the more I knew, the better I felt about the situation that I was in. I'm still encountering unknowns...I still don't know if my mortgage company will rework my mortgage so that I can afford it on my income alone.

You should start talking to close friends and family to see if they would be willing to allow you to live with them while you get on your feet (should you separate from your husband). That would bring you peace of mind. Start searching through online job sites.

A position in a call center would be a great option for you. You dont have to do a ton of moving around, and you can conserve your energy. Remember, you do not need to disclose that you have MS to an employer (or at least not in an interview).

You can do this....and I know this, because I'm doing it, and am already starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Think about it this way, do you want to continue to live being miserable for the rest of your life, or would you like to endure a year of discomfort and uncertainty, and come out of that feeling strong, proud and independent?

I'm not overly religious, but I do go to church often. When this all started happening, I found this bible verse, and I have it posted on my desk, "No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it. --1 Corinthians 10:13 (NRSV)". If that doesn't sum it up in a nutshell then I don't know what will.

Sign up for the daily e-mail at divorcecare.org. They're inspiration and insightful, and help me get started each morning, as I open my e-mail. I am also in therapy. It's been about 5 months, and my last two sessions have made me feel that I have finally turned the corner in healing. It's a short time of discomfort, for a lifetime of happiness.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

Hugs!

[swiddy99]

THANK YOU BOTH FOR THE SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT. IT IS STILL A VERY FRIGHTENING CONCEPT TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND AT THIS POINT BUT I WILL GET THERE.

I HAVE BEEN TALKING TO MY HUSBAND AND LETTING HIM KNOW WE NEED TO WORK ON OUR COMMUNICATION. I HAVE ALSO BEEN DOING JUST A LOT OF THINKING ON MY OWN ABOUT HOW I CAN CONTROL MY REACTIONS MORE AND REDIRECTING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.

I AM GOING TO BE JOINING MY LOCAL CHAPTER VERY SOON SO I THINK THAT WILL BE A GOOD START FOR MORE SUPPORT AS WELL

AGAIN, THANK SO MUCH FOR CARING

[Mamabug]

If you "can't hold down anything but part time work", you may be disabled.

I likely could have still held down part time work (albeit, less than half time), at least for awhile, when I was approved for disability. However, I was approved in 3 months, without an attorney to assist me, in spite of the fact that many people who "appear" more disabled than I am get denied and it takes them 2-3 years to be approved, even with the assistance of an attorney.

About your marriage, I'm sorry. MS dumps a lot of cr*p on us, and our spouses get stuck with it too. It can be very difficult on a marriage. I do like some of the previous advice you were given, about taking steps to become independent. Whether you end up being alone, or not, those steps can help your future feel less scary and less out-of-control.

Looking into whether you might qualify for disability could be another step that you look into. If you qualify for disability, if you keep your income under a certain level, you can still work part time to supplement your disability check. Starting with asking Rich some questions on MSWorld's Social Security Disability thread might be a place to begin to get answers.

~ Faith

[poohb3ar]

so sorry that you and greeneyegal are going such a hard time.

swiddy99, you've gotten some excellent advice. there's a bunch of friends here that you haven't met yet that care and want to encourage you.

i'll be praying for you and your husband. possibly he will go to counseling, but if not as someone said, go by yourself. all this going on will make your MS worse. you need to speak to a counselor that can help you through it.

also if you are dx'd with MS, you do qualify for disability. especially if you're only working part time.
mamabug is right. she's one of the lucky ones who got in right away.
the usual is getting automatically denied the first try, then maybe the 2nd. it took me 3 yrs and a law firm to get mine.

i had to pay the law firm, but it was 3rd try and going to court. i was more than happy to hand it over to them. they did all the work and even got me approved without having to go to court. it was well worth the money not having the stress and letting someone else handle it.
they just get paid when you get your checks coming.
if you go that route, ask around and be sure and get a lawyer who specializes in disability. a lawyer friend was trying to help me, but he was having to look things up in books and i was denied the 2nd time with him on the case!

please continue to hang in there and keep us updated. we care what happens with you.

take care and God bless ya!

[Mamabug]

...

also if you are dx'd with MS, you do qualify for disability. especially if you're only working part time.
mamabug is right. she's one of the lucky ones who got in right away.
...

Pooh is partially correct, swiddy99. Although MS is listed, in the Social Security "jargon" as one of the illnesses that can cause disability, we all have different symptoms, and different levels of functioning. Having an MS diagnosis does not guarantee approval. One key factor is that your doctor has to expect that you will remain disabled for at least a year.

Also, my approval might have been partly "luck". But:

• I spent many weeks working very hard on filling out my application, with my husband helping every step of the way. I documented every ER visit, every hospitalization, every MRI, and the dates of all of the above. I explained each situation. I provided contact info for every hospital, institution, doctor, employer, etc. I re-read what I wrote. I often re-wrote it, in order to express the facts more effectively.
• I listed many other tests that were done.
• I had the written support of 3 doctors.
• I had lost 3 jobs in 6 years, due to MS.
• I was unable to work full time. I was unable to hold a part time job.
• Like Pooh's attorney, I "looked things up", in order to get things right.
• Etc, etc, etc.
• I had the documentation to prove that I was disabled, and I worked hard to state my case in writing.

Although I felt fortunate to be approved so quickly, I did not feel that being approved was "luck". It was the result of much hard work. And, I was disabled and I could prove it.


Again, I suggest that you use Rich's Social Security Disability forum to ask some questions to help you determine whether it might be worth submitting an application. Then, you can choose whether to do it on your own, to retain an attorney, to retain Rich as an attorney (he has represent other MS clients from here, I think, even if they don't live in the Chicago area), or, to play it by ear (start on your own, be open to retaining an attorney at a later date if that doesn't work).



This post is somewhat of a digression from the marriage issue. But, I also think that it is important for swiddy99 not to throw out the possibility that she has more options than she might assume. Becoming more financially independent can help swiddy to be more confident. Either if she chooses to explore the option of separation or divorce. Or, also if she decides to pursue marriage counseling with or without her husband.

~ Faith

[swiddy99]

Update

We are doing OK but definitely not anywhere near where a married, supportive, in love couple should be. My mental health has been on the decline more so than my physical health so I think that has kind of opened his eyes to "oh, well maybe she really is sick"

The whole idea of counseling is still a foreign concept to both of us. We both feel that it's a little awkward to involve a complete stranger into our personal lives and problems. I still think it needs to happen to help us learn how to help each other.

I had a very good friend tell me this quote that I believe to be very true: "NEVER give up on someone you can't go one day without thinking about."
If there is still love in your relationship then it is worth fighting for

But just in case things turn south, I was wondering what you thought about an idea I had.....I handle all our finances and bills at this point, is it wrong of me to start putting a little bit here and there hidden away from hubby to have for myself if I need to seriously get out??


Not expecting there to be a problem but just in case something happens I want to be prepared. I have no income at all, still waiting on SSD, so as of right now I am financially dependent on him.
I consider myself to be a very pretty honest person so just curious to others' opinions or thoughts about this


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[Jules A]

But just in case things turn south, I was wondering what you thought about an idea I had.....I handle all our finances and bills at this point, is it wrong of me to start putting a little bit here and there hidden away from hubby to have for myself if I need to seriously get out??[/COLOR]

I'm willing to take flack for this but ABSOLUTELY! I have said before thank God I have my own money because if I didn't I would be embezzling like a MoFo. I also would try to be as thrifty as possible so you both have extra funds saved but as for a secret stash, yeah baby, I have a considerable one.

Also please consider counseling even if you go by yourself. It isn't so much about airing your dirty laundry as exploring different ways of interpreting and reacting to things that are happening in your life. At the very least check out some self-help books from the library because they can also be helpful to get you in the frame of mind to explore your gut reactions and patterns.

Best wishes!! Please keep us posted.