Am girlfriend of man w/ MS and having trouble...

[Jellyfish50]

I just need some support and maybe some advice... I've been dating a man w/ MS for over 7 months - we are both in our early 30's - and there are tons of things about our relationship that I really love. But there are other things that feel demonstrably slow in terms of emotional intimacy and growing more as a couple. Sometimes, for example, I would like to have more sleepovers (literally, just sharing a bed to sleep in), and I feel sad that we don't do this more often or that I'm the only one of us who appears to want to do this. I've talked about this with him on occasion, but mostly I just keep my mouth shut. But I'm starting to feel like I'm walking on eggshells and it's just "not ok" for me to have needs/wants in the relationship. Sometimes he seems to decline sleepovers because of his MS pain... But I don't know if *everything* is MS-related, and I don't know how to talk about this with him in a way that is sensitive to his needs while also respecting my own. I'm starting to feel like it's just not ok for me to say what I want ever, if it differs from what he wants or if he's having a bad pain day. I feel like I've been generally incredibly supportive and accommodating and loving re his MS symptoms/diagnosis, and it's in my nature to be patient and understanding re any large number of what other people bring to the table in a relationship - but I am starting to feel like I'm a much less important member of this relationship, and I don't really know how to talk about it or what to do anymore. Would love any suggestions or advice about how to talk about these kinds of things.

[MSSINCE09]

my husband was point blank in telling me that we needed to figure something out with our sex life because it wasnt working for him. Now we work together at making each other happy. So I believe the best solution is to be just as blunt as you were here and lay it out for him. Maybe it would be better to put it in writing in a letter so that he has time to ingest it and consider what he should do.

Wish you the best of luck!

[Alilac]

Just to add to the confusion

Different ages but I once had the same fears you have. I met my man and became his caregiver. We are both within spitting of age 60. Long story short, we were together 6 years and we married. I love him and am about the most stubborn wife a man could have.

Is it a bed of roses?... golly gosh gee... not even! Reality is that you are in love with a man who has MS... and MS is a partner in this scheme. Some days or minutes are lovely and special, many more are harder than anything I have ever tried to do.

Honesty and communication are critical at your stage of this dance of life. Talk to him, care about him... and decide if this is what you are willing to live with forever. That's straight up.

If you choose to stay, then stay with all your heart... MS is not the man, he is still in there . I can't tell you what to choose, all I can say is that I have grown knowing my husband. Even though I 'might' have found someone who is different, I still love him and have no plans or desire to leave.

Follow your heart and know you are never alone. We are here to help and support. I wish you well in this hard choosing time.

A Lilac

[Redwings]

Hi Jellyfish:
It sounds like you're just not compatible with this guy, and his MS doesn't really have anything to do with it -- it's just the background scenery. You want the relationship to go faster, he doesn't. It sounds like he just isn't that into you, because if he were, he'd want you to sleep over, pain or no pain.

Too many people with bad relationships try to explain it away by blaming the discord on the one partner's MS. But the truth is that ANY stressor can be used to blame it on, when the problem is an incompatible relationship itself. The partners would act the same no matter what the stressor is. It sounds like this guy you've been dating would act the same toward you even if he didn't have MS. He either wants to communicate with you and compromise to be with you or he doesn't.

Maybe you just like him way more than he likes you. Maybe he doesn't like you as much as you want him to. Maybe he doesn't think that you're so irresistibly wonderful that the only reason he isn't giving you what you want is because MS has somehow warped his thinking. If you feel that you can't be yourself and say what you want to say, then it doesn't sound like this is a relationship you should be pursuing. You've been dating this man only seven months. Why do you think you need to try to change him rather than moving on to find someone else you have just as much fun with but are more compatible with?

As for any issues that are due to MS, every person is entitled to deal with their life -- and their disease -- as they see fit. The man you've been dating is dealing with it in a way that doesn't include you in the way you want. But the same can be said for anything else in his life. He is who he is. What made him who he is is out of your control. The same can be said for how you deal with your life, too. You can't change another person. You can only change yourself.

You said you came here for "support." Well, support doesn't mean just offering agreement and sympathy to whatever's being said. It also means pointing out when someone's got hold of an unrealistic idea that's only hurting them, or when it looks like someone's just beating their head against the wall and recommending that they stop it.

You have a relationship issue with a man you don't know very well, not an MS issue. In that respect, there's a lot of readily accessible advice to be had from qualified experts who specialize in relationship advice. From them you can get ideas that fit both of your personalities for how to talk to a man about something he's sensitive about, whether it's "feelings," MS, erectile dysfunction, a bald spot, his guy pals, his obsession with his ferret or whatever.

First you have to be honest with yourself about why you want to pursue a relationship with a guy who isn't as interested in you as you are in him. If you still want to, then you can be just as honest with him about what you want and see what happens. Good luck!

[Alesiram]

going through the same thing....

my guy is 53 and is the same as jellys guy.
redwing may be right, we just may more into them then they are into us but "I" cant figure that out because mine gives me mixed messages not by what he says because he doesnt say anything in regards to his feelings but because of his actions.
i have been seeing him for almost 2 years and we are simply 'friends'. we used to be friends with benes but he has since lost interest because of his declining health. his legs seem to bother him a lot more now than when we first met. i am ok with it, but he doesnt even want to be affectionate with me because he is afraid of 'teasing' me, so we dont touch or kiss at all anymore and this is literally killing me because i am still very much attracted to him. i dont mind not having sex anymore, but i do mind not having any physical contact with him. i dont get it.
he give me mixed messages because he calls me and asks if i am going over to visit him, but that is all i get from him. he has never said anything to me regarding how he feels about me. i have told him that i like him a lot and that is why i keep seeing him and i have also told him that i dont like not touching him any more. all he could say to me is 'sorry' and that is it. his lack of communication drives me crazy. like jelly stated, everything revolves around him and how he feels.
me

[Jellyfish50]

Thanks...

Thanks, all.

Redwings, your point is well-taken. When I have asked him if there's some issue w/ me or us - the sleepovers thing has been a difficulty between us (for me) for months - he vehemently says no, that he has pain and is a creature of habit and wants his creature comforts. I don't jump to conclusions that anything is about MS. But when it comes to sleepovers (I'm just literally talking about sharing a bed and sleeping, not sex, which is fine), the reasons seem to be MS-related. Pain. We had a house to ourselves for 6 weeks - and a big comfy bed - and he invited me to sleep over there every night. Since then, few and far between.

But your point is still valid. I want to make accommodations (new mattress?) whereas he doesn't want me to. Maybe it's just true that we want different things and are moving at a different pace entirely. To me, a sleepover a week is not a huge request -- but maybe you're right. If it's a 'huge request' in his mind, maybe he is just not that into me. I have certainly entertained that notion.

[kif8skip]

open and honest

I like very much what A Lilac said - I have been with my BF 4 1/2 years and his needs are the priority in our relationship due to his illness(es)....but he cares about my needs and wants too and that helps a lot.

Tell him what you wrote above or show him if honesty is open and on the table...best to clear the air now and get it out and talked about ( imho)..

Good Luck whatever you choose !