Guilt and sadness

[Mynamegoeshere1]

Last night, my husband and I got into a HUGE fight and it came out it was because of my ms and because I'm on disability. I have extreme weakness and pain......still and was diagnosed in October/2011. I'm still fighting multiple relapses since my diagnosis and I'm already getting a wheelchair due to my weakened state. I try to do what I can, but even just cleaning the bathroom counters, mirror, sweeping put me in bed all day in an extreme pseudo exacerbation.

He told me last night that I'm going to my Nuero too much and we can't afford it ($30) a visit every 1.5 months until we get this under control. I've had 3 or 4 more active lesions since my diagnosis. I've been fighting back tears when around people and crying all night when he goes to sleep.

I've also had bowel issues and have been constipated for 6 months having to have an enema once a week. I finally caved and to make matters worse, my gastro doc is very concerned and scheduled an upper and lower GI for this Wednesday and now I feel like I shouldn't do that even though colon cancer runs in my family. He is making me feel like I'm a nuisance due to my medical problems and this sounds horrible, but I almost hoped last night it was colon cancer so I could go in peace.

What should I do? Is this just an unsupportive man or him adjusting to my illness? I'm at my wits end. There have always been snide remarks, but nothing as mean as last night! He even yelled at me for choosing the wheelchair I chose because it wasn't what his father (who is paraplegic) would have chosen. Please help.

**Post broken into paragraphs by Moderator for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print.**

[Windwalker]

Stop feeling guilty!

It's not your fault you have MS or possibly some other issues. The adjustment period still is going on, it's been only 6 mo's. for gosh sakes. I would give the husband some more time before deciding a verdict.

Please stop sacrificing your health because of your guilt and your husband's lack of understanding. In your mind at least, just say screw you...I'm going to get the medical care I need. The stress and guilt are hurting you mentally and physically...you really seem to be internalizing so much and it's beating the crap out of you.

Put yourself first...repeat 100 times daily.

[Mynamegoeshere1]

.

I know that's the logical thing to think, but I'm so very hurt right now that Im lost. I thought this man was supposed to be my best friend, my rock! Instead, it's more like he's ripping apart what little courage and strength I have right now to fight. I already feel like a complete failure for what all I can't do anymore and now this. I'm just.........

[MSSINCE09]

Please put your self first!

It is so hard to not hear what your spouse is saying. Especially when your diagnosed and the have so many relapses just like i did. My husband and I fought for the first 2 years but never ever did he say that I was costing too much money or that I shouldnt see a doctor or get proper testing. The way he is acting is unreasonable even for an adjustment period. I hope that you take care of your self and get the care you need. Please dont wish another illness upon your self. Take care.

[Mynamegoeshere1]

Adding

Let me add that we had to move with my parents so they could drive me to appointments and we pay them only $400 a month in rent. Between my LTD and my husbands salary, we make over $110,000 each year. There is no reason we cannot afford my copays.

[Arthur Spooner]

Wow,

You have so much on your plate!

Have you been married long?

Is your husband displaying a side to himself that seems foreign to you, or is it just more of the same? Is he the sort of man that would go with you to couples counseling? Are you able to have respectful discussions regarding your concerns without him losing the plot?

Does he have other things going on in his life, like alcoholism, gambling,etc?

Do you have children that you have to consider?

How do your parents react to him? Are they aware of how you feel?

Why is he so obsessed with small amounts of money?

Have you got friends that live near by you can confide in, and perhaps seek advice from?

I hope you find an answer to what you should do quickly. Be true to yourself!

God bless.

[Thinkimjob]

Your husband is probably as depressed and scared as you are.

It's horribly difficult. At least those of us with MS can feel free to complain.

Partners can't so much, lest they be thought inconsiderate or awful or cowardly.

There's nothing wrong with arguing, as long as it ends. Don't be frightened of letting it all out.

[dougl]

He told me last night that I'm going to my Nuero too much and we can't afford it ($30) a visit every 1.5 months until we get this under control.

just my opinion but this is just wrong. That is less than $1.00 per day. I would bet that he drinks more than $1.00 worth of coffee each morning.

FYI - i am the primary cargiver of a lovely lady with MS.

[WHEREWEBEGAN]

You are the important one. . .

I agree with evrerything said here, i am a spouse/ex of whom has ms (its complicated right now) , but i have never told her not to go to the doctors, infact i would have rather not eaten so that she could get the care she needed.

You are the most important person right now, you need to get the care you need, and noone should stand in your way. i do understand that he is probably trying to cope, and it sounds like he doesnt understand as much as he could. Honestly, what helped me the most was joining this site and reading peopls struggles, and understanding what some have to face everyday.

I suggest maybe sitting down with him, and showing him how serious this is and how it makes you feel, And maybe pull up this site and let him read some threads in here. I know some brought tears to my eyes. Regardless you need to take care of yourself, I cant stress that enough. I hope the best for both of you and i hope you get the care and support you need. Good luck, RYAN

[CougarMama]

Boy, you have a lot going on health wise and I hope you are able to at least stabilize your problems soon. Nothing worse then being exhausted, constipated and picked on for things that are not your fault! I had a similiar GI issue after a flare about a year ago that seems like it may be resolving itself. Seriously, this problem is underplayed by the neuros!

As for your hubby, it sounds like he is lashing out at you because he can not handle his own emotions. Has he shown an interest in learning about the disease? When you first told him, what was his response? Things have changed pretty dramatically for both of you in a short period of time. I'm sure he is shell shocked about the changes, just as your are. His comments about the copays sounds like denial. You know, "if you just didn't go to the doctor things would be like they were before" type of thinking. Not rational but emotional responses.

I hope your flares are brought under control soon and that things quiet down for you health wise. Then you will be in a better place to figure out what to do about hubby. Until then take care of yourself and ignore home when he talks like that since it is so absolutely ridiculous!

[Mynamegoeshere1]

Talk

After both of our emotions cooled, we talked. He called and emailed all the next day from work apologizing for being so insensitive and came home with flowers. I was still too hurt to talk thou and still crying so we talked the next day and he is just really stressed. Not only were we newlyweds when I was diagnosed, but we moved in with my parents, he got a promotion at work, and has a lot more responsibility there and then has to come home and care for me. Plus medical bills are piling up so he is stressed about that. He is just stressed all around and chose the wrong thing to take it out on. Thank you all for your support.

[zolar16]

Oh, you poor thing! I am sorry you and your DH have been fighting. What he said was hurtful and I'm glad he apologized. I can only imagine that this has hit him all at once and he is scared and frustrated. His new wife has been diagnosed with a disease that's really taking a toll on her health, he's had to move in with his in-laws and he has a lot of stress at work.

My husband and I had been together for almost 8 years when he was diagnosed. That was almost 3 years ago and we are still adjusting to it. We had big plans for our future together and MS changed a lot of them, and we are both coping with it. The biggest thing for us has been communication, and not blaming each other for negative feelings, just working on getting over them or making the situation better. I hope you two can work this out.

[patriciaharris7]

Reply:Guilt and sadness

These are testing times for you and you DH as well. Don’t think much on the issues, all that is natural at this stage, let him adjust.