Nine year olds and temper tantrums/pouting

First off, I'm the one with rrms. Pretty stable now, but wasn't always and it made me freak out from stress on a regular basis in the past.

We have a nine year old boy who has made a career out of throwing temper tantrums and poouting when things don't work out the way he'd like. He turns it around though, blaming himself and calling himself stupid on those occasions when it does not occur to him to call the situation/game/whatever made him mad stupid instead. Either way, something is stupid and is used as cause to react unfavorably. Have contemplated numerous responses to his embarassing behaviors- none of it legal. Lately we've just taken to removing him from the scene of the tantrum/undesirable behavior, no matter what it will result in him missing out on. We rarelyt did this in the past because we didn't want him to miss out on social interaction and anything that mightbe fun. Tonight he was participating in a game at his boy scouts' troop meeting where they each had a balloon tied to their ankle and ther object was to pop each other's balloons witihout getting their own popped. It was all laughing and hysterical fun until HIS balloon got popped, whereupon he was crying and carrying on about it. I wasn't there but my husband said he just took him home right then and pointed out to him that no one else was acting that way, therefore he was done. Typically, his tantrums increase our anxiety levels and we have responded in the past with yelling. We are making an effort to be as boring as possible with this issue, but it is too early to see if it is working.

Has anyone else dealt with this? The kid is a little perfectionist and it's hard to get him to understand no one is perfect and sometimes things don't work the way we want for a good reason. This latest "stop the world I wanna get off" tactic- is it appropriate for a nine year old, or does a spanking/loss of privileges sound more like the way to go? We had him in counseling and the counselor suggested making things as drama free as possible, like we are trying now. I gootta say, sometimes I feel like he does it on purpose/to manipulate, even though the counselor thought it sounded like he simply needs more practice developing better coping skills.

[Mamabug]

Maybe you could use his perfectionism to your advantage, and point out that you can tell that he want to do things well, and when things go wrong, one thing he can choose to do well is behave in an age-appropriate manner when other things don't go well.

And, give him lots of positive reinforcement if he is able to not have a temper tantrum at a time when he usually might. Or, even if he is able to pull it together quickly and end the tantrum.

~ Faith

[Tawanda]

I've got one that age, too...

First off, I'm the one with rrms. Pretty stable now, but wasn't always and it made me freak out from stress on a regular basis in the past.

We have a nine year old boy who has made a career out of throwing temper tantrums and poouting when things don't work out the way he'd like. He turns it around though, blaming himself and calling himself stupid on those occasions when it does not occur to him to call the situation/game/whatever made him mad stupid instead. Either way, something is stupid and is used as cause to react unfavorably. Have contemplated numerous responses to his embarassing behaviors- none of it legal. Lately we've just taken to removing him from the scene of the tantrum/undesirable behavior, no matter what it will result in him missing out on. We rarelyt did this in the past because we didn't want him to miss out on social interaction and anything that mightbe fun. Tonight he was participating in a game at his boy scouts' troop meeting where they each had a balloon tied to their ankle and ther object was to pop each other's balloons witihout getting their own popped. It was all laughing and hysterical fun until HIS balloon got popped, whereupon he was crying and carrying on about it. I wasn't there but my husband said he just took him home right then and pointed out to him that no one else was acting that way, therefore he was done. Typically, his tantrums increase our anxiety levels and we have responded in the past with yelling. We are making an effort to be as boring as possible with this issue, but it is too early to see if it is working.

Has anyone else dealt with this? The kid is a little perfectionist and it's hard to get him to understand no one is perfect and sometimes things don't work the way we want for a good reason. This latest "stop the world I wanna get off" tactic- is it appropriate for a nine year old, or does a spanking/loss of privileges sound more like the way to go? We had him in counseling and the counselor suggested making things as drama free as possible, like we are trying now. I gootta say, sometimes I feel like he does it on purpose/to manipulate, even though the counselor thought it sounded like he simply needs more practice developing better coping skills.

This sounds like a rough patch. Counselling is certainly an appropriate step. I agree with you about the "yelling". "Yelling" is futile. You might as well say, "Uncle", because when you blow, it's the kid who wins. I don't think nine is what it used to be. Instead of acting like a baby, it's more like they are acting like a sulky adolescent, way before us parents are ready to cope with it.

Good luck with being blase'. It sounds like the right tactic to me. He's old enough to understand what mutual respect is.

[Jules A]

I think your current strategy is an excellent choice although I'd also continue with the counseling. This behavior could stigmatize him with his peers and that is an ugly path to head down.

He's at an age where it could go either way. Its very likely immaturity, shyness or even maybe minor depression but my concern would that that if not resolved his behavior might escalate as he gets older and expand into attention getting acts of self-harm such as cutting etc. In any event he sounds stressed out and will hopefully benefit from some professional intervention. Hang in there!

Thanks for the encouragement. He's a smart young fella and I hate to see him acting in a way that makes his peers not want to be with him. It hurts his feelings when the other kids make comments but he doesn't seem able to relate cause and effect. I've tried pointing out the relationship between the two, sometimes using metaphors I think he'll understand, but...when he gets upset, it's like someone threw a switch. When he's calm you can talk to him and he'll indicate understanding some things, but let him get upset and he forgets it all. I've got him in Boyu Scouts and I think it's a good influence on him; the other boys are accepting. He seems to enjpy soccer too, which is good for him because he's always hyper and fidgety. After practice, he settles down.

[jojo18]

just a thought

does the school offer any mentoring programs?
i was peer mentor my senior year. im not 100% sure of how the kids where chosen to have mentors (i think it was by teacher or parental suggestion)

it was after school once a week. (the program is Big Buddies , Little Buddies or something close to that)

activities that we could do included homework, games, or just talking. my little buddy chose playing games every week

[seena]

you're on the right track

I have been there, with my 12 yr old, who is almost free of all behaviors, but being over tired can cause easy crying yet. He sounds a lot like your son. As a toddler, when I'd bring him home from day care he'd pound his head on the floor the wall etc....and cry for an hour or so.

Our 7 yr old also had issues, seemed to have gotten worse after the age he should have been getting better. Learned behavior? And we were like you too....didn't want him to miss out. Or if dh yelled at him I'd feel bad and try to comfort him, too soon after.

But my husband and I got on the same page and stick it out now, and he is a lot better. He is strong willed, and I will see how he does once school starts. I had to teach him about heaven and hell, I feel a little bad, as he was litterally shaking he was so scared. But I was at my wits end at the time. I calmly told him what God expects and what heaven and hell were about.

Last year it seemed if he was good at home, he was having trouble in school, and vice versa. So, keep it up, what ever works, time outs, and keep calm. I know if I yell, I am only teaching them it is ok to be out of control, but it can be hard sometimes.

Our 16 yr old was not throwing fits growing up but lied a lot. The only thing that helped her, was puberty and not wanting to be grounded as she became more social out of the house.

Good luck keep strong, it is less work to teach them now then later....that thought helps me.