Mom in denial; Dad exhausted

[overboard57]

Hello,

My mother has lived with MS for almost 20 years, and my Dad has been her caregiver. She hasn't walked for about 15 years and her strength in her upper body is failing. My dad has managed really well until the last year. He is tired and we (the kids) have been trying to help them find a solution. They can afford to move into a really nice assisted living apartment with help for my dad.

However, my mom is in denial about her condition and my dad's ability to keep taking care of her. In fact, in her interviews with the new facility and docs, she claims she can walk and dress herself!

She doesn't see the need to change her lifestyle, she thinks my dad is exaggerating the situation and she gets angry when anyone tries to discuss it.

Are there any resources you recommend to help us through this transition? I am trying to find a counselor who can help, but so far have had no luck!

[Redwings]

Hi overboard:
I can appreciate your frustration. Your dad is in a tough spot.

If you mom is in denial about her condition and your dad's abilities, you might just have to give up on trying to "convince" her to move. You can't use reason to change the mind of someone who isn't rational. You might be able to find a therapist who can "counsel" your mom into accepting the reality of the situation, but it might take a long time.

One thing you can try is to change the way you approach the move to an assisted living facility by not making it about your mom. Your dad can tell her that he's getting older and tired (which is true), and that he needs to move there. That might allow your mom to continue to go on in denial about herself while allowing your dad to get the help he needs, for both himself and your mom.

In the past I've had to care for a couple of folks with dementia (not that your mom's denial is dementia, but denial of reality sometimes isn't much different), and I found that sometimes the only way to get an irrational person to do something is to just make the decision for them and let them adapt. That way there's no argument with a person who isn't reasonable enough to have a rational argument. The argument would then be about moving (something relatively simpler), not about her personally and her situation, which she's defensive about. In other words, if your mom gets angry when anyone tries to discuss the situation, then stop discussing the situation. Just do what needs to be done for the greater good.

It feels terrible to take choice away from someone, but if they were rational enough to make their own decisions, the situation wouldn't be what it is.

It will be great if you can find a counselor for your mom. But it might be beneficial for your dad to start seeing a therapist on his own so he can get some guidance in setting priorities, and also about getting beyond the guilt he's feeling about "failing" your mom and having to take some of her choices away.

You mom's doctor might be able to refer her and your dad for counseling, and should be able to direct them to a social worker (through Medicare, her health insurance, the county health department or the assisted living facility), if that hasn't happened already. You can contact your local Area Agency on Aging and local chapter of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society for more information and referrals. None of this may get your mom out of her denial, but will help your dad work around it and get the help they both need.

[KatieDidNOT]

This sounds sort of crazy, but I would put this in the Nurses Forum. Someone in there must have experience with this.

My heart goes out to you.

Katie