How do I make DH understand?

[jkp79]

I am recently dx'ed and my husband has been really great, but as the pain and fatigue get worse he is taking on more responsiblities. I am also looking for ways to minimize my pain in order to keep working, which I haven't stopped and have missed only a handfull of days in almost a year. I recently made appointments with a Chiropractor and a pain management Dr and he is worried about the cost of all the co-pays for the new Drs and the additional medication. I totally understand this, but he lashed out after my first Chiro appointment and said I should really look into the phsyciatry thing, which I actually have planned to do.

During this conversation he actually said to me "if you get up and do something, stretch... and see a phsyciatrist I think you will find a lot of the pain is in your head, a positive attitude would help." I am trying to do all of that and though he has read the basic (definition) on MS he has done no other research and doesn't understand what I am going through. I sent him some you tube videos the other day with other's explaining how they feel. I hope this helps his understanding.

Sorry for being so long winded. I just need to know if there is something else I can do to make him understand, because honestly after that coment I am outraged even though I know it must be hard to understand from the outside.

Thanks.

First things first....the comment he made was out of line. That being said, you are newly diagnosed so it could be that he is not educated enough on MS yet to realize that what he said was hurtful and not true.

I would suggest showing him this site and encourage him to do some reading. The grieving process of your spouse getting a diagnosis of MS is brutal....I know this first hand. It may take him a while to come around, but hopefully he will. It may even take you coming right out and telling him that his statements are untrue and hurtful to get him to see the light. Something are better out in the open rather than swept under the rug. It only grows more bitterness and resentment if it's not dealt with.

In the meantime, come here and vent. Everyone on this site is wonderful and insightful.

[tommylee]

he has read the basic (definition) on MS he has done no other research and doesn't understand what I am going through. I sent him some you tube videos the other day with other's explaining how they feel.

Save the effort of sending him video's or other information.
This will only frusterate you further. (imho)

He seems to have taken the;"Don't know, don't want to know attitude".?

If this is the case you may be better off not sharing any of your troubles with him and just try to take care of yourself.
Try to act as normal as possible when you are with him and when you cannot hide your symptoms, avoid being near him.

It is lonely sometimes but it is the best survival tool I have when it comes to dealing with my DW.

She has been lost in denial for more than a decade and I have no expectations that she will ever snap out of it and grasp some type of understanding. (its possible but I doubt it)

I am happiest when I have no expectations of her and leave her out of my struggles. (she is not strong enough to handle it.)

Sadly comfort,support,and compassion are not always available from our spouse. My life has gotten better since I quit expecting any of that from her.

It has not brought us closer together but it has allowed me to tune out all the ignorant things that come out of her mouth. Tuning out all that negative noise gives me a brighter outlook on life.

Sorry to say, You may be on your own dealing with MS because DH can't handle it?
If that is the case you are not completely alone with this problem. Many of us deal with the same type of dismissal and disregaurd from our families also.

If your family is in denial and wants to stay there...You just have to stop expecting them to understand.
Look for support elsewhere. You will only stress yourself out trying to pound your situation into your families heads.

If they cope by staying ignorant there is nothing you can do about it.

Sorry to sound so cold, but that is what I have learned thus far.
Dx in '98 wife still has no understanding or intrest in understanding MS.
It is just the way it is with many people.

Hang in there.
You are not as alone as you think you are.
This place is full of people living with very simmilar situations.

[Windwalker]

...Try to act as normal as possible when you are with him and when you cannot hide your symptoms, avoid being near him.

It is lonely sometimes but it is the best survival tool I have when it comes to dealing with my DW.

She has been lost in denial for more than a decade and I have no expectations that she will ever snap out of it and grasp some type of understanding. (its possible but I doubt it)

I am happiest when I have no expectations of her and leave her out of my struggles. (she is not strong enough to handle it.)

Sadly comfort,support,and compassion are not always available from our spouse. My life has gotten better since I quit expecting any of that from her.

It has not brought us closer together but it has allowed me to tune out all the ignorant things that come out of her mouth. Tuning out all that negative noise gives me a brighter outlook on life.

I'm one of those that is in a similar situation. My wife is in denial. She does not say or do hurtful things but still it is a situation I am finding unsustainable.

If I can't go to my spouse for support, comfort, compassion, etc. then who am I supposed to go to?

Why would I want to resign myself to an existence such as you describe?

My thoughts immediately turn to; should I stay in this situation or leave. Would it be better for me, and my disease, to leave... providing stronger piece of mind and less stress than staying in an environment that causes me hurt and aggravation?

The thought of living in a marriage that is unhappy seems almost as bad as living with PPMS. MS certainly provides some tough decisions in life.

[empirerecs]

JKP79-
I'm sorry, your husband's words were out of line and most likely because he feels helpless. He's supposed to be able to 'save the world' for you and he can't. It's not an excuse to treat you that way though. If he did want to be helpful and understanding he would learn about the disease without you having to send him the info.

I do think you need to discuss how he is making you feel. I also think it's going to be extremely difficult and incredibly emotional and it might be better to have a mediator - a therapist or even your doctor. During your next appointment you can ask the doctor to explain things to your husband - via asking questions and the doctor providing answers without it seeming as though the you and the doc are ganging up on hubby.

I don't think it's very fair that some of us are "stuck" in a situation because we are sick, will eventually need help, and can't afford to live alone. Feeling dependent on someone who just doesn't care is one of my biggest fears, it's been one even before MS.

Don't let anyone make you feel inferior or guilty by telling you to see a psychiatrist and this is all in your head. If you think you would like to see one, then do so, but do it for you. And once you do, keep it to yourself or it will be thrown back in your face when you are having a bad day. Yep, I'm a little bitter about that one- I've heard it from family and ex's - "maybe you need to see your therapist more often or increase your meds" - also pre-MS. I need a therapist and a psychiatrist, but I now keep those visits to myself. A therapist might help you to handle the current problems until you both go through the new-ness of this disease.

best of luck and keep posting, it helps a lot when you are 'talking' to people who know how you feel.

[Lillyheart]

JKP79-
I'm sorry, your husband's words were out of line and most likely because he feels helpless. He's supposed to be able to 'save the world' for you and he can't. It's not an excuse to treat you that way though. If he did want to be helpful and understanding he would learn about the disease without you having to send him the info.

I do think you need to discuss how he is making you feel. I also think it's going to be extremely difficult and incredibly emotional and it might be better to have a mediator - a therapist or even your doctor. During your next appointment you can ask the doctor to explain things to your husband - via asking questions and the doctor providing answers without it seeming as though the you and the doc are ganging up on hubby.

I don't think it's very fair that some of us are "stuck" in a situation because we are sick, will eventually need help, and can't afford to live alone. Feeling dependent on someone who just doesn't care is one of my biggest fears, it's been one even before MS.

Don't let anyone make you feel inferior or guilty by telling you to see a psychiatrist and this is all in your head. If you think you would like to see one, then do so, but do it for you. And once you do, keep it to yourself or it will be thrown back in your face when you are having a bad day. Yep, I'm a little bitter about that one- I've heard it from family and ex's - "maybe you need to see your therapist more often or increase your meds" - also pre-MS. I need a therapist and a psychiatrist, but I now keep those visits to myself. A therapist might help you to handle the current problems until you both go through the new-ness of this disease.

best of luck and keep posting, it helps a lot when you are 'talking' to people who know how you feel.

Very well said! No one deserves awful treatment..period! And it stinks that loved ones, who should care, have to be shown info or asked to read it, when they certainly could care enough to seek it out on their own... One of my pet peeves

[tommylee]

If I can't go to my spouse for support, comfort, compassion, etc. then who am I supposed to go to?

Perhaps God?



Why would I want to resign myself to an existence such as you describe?

Because it is not an "existence" it is a life. There is still much beauty and joy in it if you look for it.





My thoughts immediately turn to; should I stay in this situation or leave. Would it be better for me, and my disease, to leave... providing stronger piece of mind and less stress than staying in an environment that causes me hurt and aggravation?

It is a mind set to not allow others to hurt you or cause you mental anguish. (not an easy one)

The thought of living in a marriage that is unhappy seems almost as bad as living with PPMS. MS certainly provides some tough decisions in life.

The vows "in sickness or health" are the ones people remember.

The "For better or worse" one we tend to forget more easily?

I hope you don't think I am being combative. I am just trying to answer your questians.

The other reason for me is I have a son and me staying and being the best father and husband is the best gift I can offer him.

I have no special training or special qualifications at all.
I may be completely nuts or just full of crap?

[tommylee]

it stinks that loved ones, who should care, have to be shown info or asked to read it, when they certainly could care enough to seek it out on their own... One of my pet peeves

Yes it is irritating and abrasive but I don't think you can guilt someone into caring?

It is easy to manipulate people with guilt but that is very different than caring.

My thought is; It is not possible to change another persons thoughts.
If they are a kind and caring nature,they will care.
If they are not, they probably dont think about it.

If the people in your family are not the caring type, You will need to ask for what you need because if you wait for them to think about you...It will be too late and you may already be pissed,hurt, and disappointed. (just a guess.)

I can't change the behavior of others. I can change my reaction and expectations.
That gives me the power.

[rdmc]

You're recently diagnosed, he doesn't understand and he's doing what a man does...try to come up with an easy solution to make things right...men want to be "fixers."

In your case it's doctor appts that triggered it, but a lot of times, we complain about a symptom, and a husband being who they are tries to come up with a solution to fix it...and they're often dumb ideas

My advise to anyone in a marriage and dealing with a chronic illness is to do all you can do when you're able, keep complaints to a minimum and that way when you can't accomplish something or you can't help but complain, they (the DH) will take it more serious.

Of course there are clueless individuals who will never tune in...but you're so new to the diagnosis, you both need time to adjust.

[empirerecs]

Tommylee -
You are a good father and you are showing your son how to withstand quite a bit and be a strong and good person. He's going to be a nice guy.
Bless you

[inmoni5]

I am newly dx'd as well, Feb. this year. My DH and I went through a HUGE uprising. It has not been easy it will never be easy.

Look down the page and find my post "dazed and confused" pretty much sums it up.

Now, months later...
I have learned that my DH cannot handle weakness. He tries very hard to understand and sometimes he will support me in resting and slacking on my duties. But all in all...I have always been the "rock" in our home. I've handled everything inside from the kids to housework to finances "everything". He works and takes care of the outside things.

Tommylee is right.

It's truly not worth the fight to expect him to "understand". My DH doesn't want to talk about it. He wants to ignore the issue. Whether its right or wrong, it's what he is doing. He never researched the disease. He doesn't want to. Well, ok, I can handle that.

Now, at first ms was "ALL" I could talk about. He would pretend to listen and then one day he exploded and said "is that all you can talk about?" I realized that day that I had been pounding ms into everyones mind and that it HAD to stop. Since then, I keep my daily ms things to myself. It's not like he doesn't know when I hurt...he sees it. He just doesn't want to hear about it all the time.

Since, I've backed off he is more open to talk about it every once in awhile. Not for a long time....but I can usually get in enough to satisfy myself.

Give him a chance to take this in. It took about 6 months for my DH to start to turn around. My hubby went a whole week treating me like dirt....and he still does this from time to time....when I confront him on it....he states that he is pissed off at ms...I very calmly have to remind him that being p'd off at ms does not mean to treat me badly. He's getting it.

It's going to take time....Come here to vent....find people with ms to talk to. Contact your local ms chapter. Get the number to MSFriends you can call and talk to someone with ms and they will listen to you. There are many outlets to use so your DH and family doesn't have to take on the brunt of it.

I always wished that my DH would have been the supportive type but he's not and I love him. And we married for better or worse in sickness and in health. That's just the way it is and I'm ok with that.