I'm sure husband wants divorce - he's emotionally abusive - scared

[Dvirmani]

Hi all, havn't posted for a while. Man husband and and I have been together 14 years - our 10th Wedding Anniversary is in 2 weeks.

Like all couples we have ups and downs. I've probably had RRMS for 14 years - diagnosed August 2010.

Prior to that my husband was the best thing ever: almost perfect, loving, compassionate husband full of love and empathy and kindness - but beginning 2010 he started on his journey to "spiritual enlightenment". He went to some group which all information ponta to a cult/brainwashing. At the same time in March 2010 we joined a Christian Church and he continued with this "cult". After 4 weeks of marriage counseling he put this "cult" on hold but then joined a co-dependency group in early 2010 at our Christian Church.

NOTE: he's been seeing a psychologist on his own from his previous divorce since B4 I met him and still counsels with this Psychologist who never mentioned he should go to a co-dependents group which is strange.

Then we were no longer "we" - he always talked about himself and what he needed to do.

He has just completed a 12-Step Christian Recovery Group which took over 9 months but doesn't have any addictions. I am a recovering alchoholic with 16 years sober but havn't been to AA in 7 years so now I have gone back for support to get back into the fellowship, and I am really grateful I never went back to drinking.

My husband has now become emotionally abusive, neglecting my feelings and has no compassion or empathy - all his wonderful qualities have vanished - but he keeps talking about "God" but is acting like a devil.

Financially I feel my MS is weighing on his mind - even thoug I am still RRMS for 15 years.

Here's my fear: on his request we separate for a month - he's moved upstairs and said we should look at what's practical in our marriage and talk about this in a month - what about the love - he never mentioned that???

Well our month is up this week, he's left me a few notes about traveling, his work contract (he's a computer consultant and work is hard to find) but he earns lots of money when working. We don't have savings as our equity went out the door in our home with the recession.

He family has always loved me, though we are not that close and when they came for a visit last month I was supposed to be out of town. When they realized I was here, they stayed out of my way 90% of the time as they don't understand MS and my husband clinged to them and I was the "outsider" in my own home.....I can't take any emotional neglect and all his family have suddenly abandoned me and my parents - my parents are wonderful and are so close to my husband and love him like their son. They have had individual vacations with my in-laws too as all got along. But even my parents are not acknowlegdged in the last 6weeks.

I just started crisis counselling for my emotional abandonment issues. I am unable to work since 2009, due to severe fatigue too. My husband is the breadwinner. Before we took our month's separation beginning August we had a fight and he threatened to cancel my credit cards so I won't have a penny to buy anything - he's never exhibited this behavior, ever.

So when we meet I know he will want a divorce but HE wants me to file so he doesn't have the guilt (my wonderful psychiatrist who knows us both says he has become Narcisistic and has squashed any feelings he has for me and wants out because he can't cope and is trying to get me to file divorce so he has no guilt.

I love my husband - I can't come to terms with this terrible behavior and no compassion - when he tells me daily he loves me but his behavior says otherwise.

My fear is this: I have no money, no savings, no family in USA and 5 dogs ( they are my children and I would NEVER give them up).

I am scared he will stop paying our bills and then what will I do. He pays our health coverage, everything. I also have some suspicions after looking around this month he is having an affair - I have asked him B4 and he says and I believe him that he's not the type of man to do that as he has to be in a committed relationship.....but maybe this has been going on for a long time and started after I got my MS diagnosis a year ago.

What am I to do with no money to support myself, no approved disability, we have no savings so he has no money to pay me alimony, and I could not afford to stay in USA and would have to move back to Europe to be with my family.

I want our marriage to work but I'm emotionally so messed up with his treatment of me I feel I am heading for my second nervous breakdown this year as I have depression for 20 years too...

Any advice would be appreciated.

Again, giving up my dogs is NOT an option as they are my children so what can I do with no money if he just "takes off" and doesn"t pay the bills....I don't know what he is cab able of anymore as he's like a stranger.....but 3 weeks ago B4 our separation he said he felt really close to me and our time apart would be hard and he was crying - emotionally just like the wonderful man he has always been except for the past year half??

All this emotional turmoil has me so messed up and my heart is broken....I don't have hardly any energy but this is really taking it's toll and I am on running on Adrenaline...I feel soon I will collapse from emotional exhaustion and be in hospital as I have lost so much weight - down to 94lbs now.

So i am Scared and emotionally at the end of my rope:confused and need some support and advice please

[Des]

I don't understand why iur disability is not proved,as you said. What did the doctors say when they dxd you?

Call a lawyer and find out what rights you have to the house and everything else, like medical insurance.

Ask your therapist what you can do, Ask your doctor, people at your church, the state department of insurance. You are not going to live on the streets with these people helping you.

[Pixel]

So sorry...

I don't know what to say. That situation really sucks. I'll keep you and your fur babies in my prayers. Maybe you need to pull away from him and just live life a day at a time. Let him pay the bills and live upstairs. You just live your life and hope for the best.

[Sdickerson1]

I am in a similar situation.... My husband gets angry when I try to discuss it with him...he says he loves me and my lack of trust and faith in his love is pushing him away ( great excuse). I once asked my husband to never make me look like a fool by doing something that the town talked about as if I did not know..... Now everyone is saying ( including my parents) that he will never come back from his out of state 2 yr work assignment.... I finally had to make it clear that even though I am staying faithful and acting as if everything is ok... I am no fool!! I just have to figure out how to live and raise 3 kids on a disability check and MS.....my in laws do like me and as far as I know they believe this arrangement is legit..... My husband has not touched me but 3 or 4 times since my dx and I have had to practically beg....I have muscle spasms after that are painful so he uses that as an excuse not to.... I told him we could discuss it with dr but he acts as if I did not say anything..... We had a very rough marriage but two yrs ago we had a great yr ( he said it was an ok yr). Even my girls thought it was great... I was dx one yr ago and the following month was good.... He cared for me sweetly but nervously for months and still does WHEN he is around which he makes sure that is very little..... Right before he left I though things were really back on track but he left for 2 yrs without even saying goodbye!!! He picked a fight and left! My two oldest from a previous marriage hear from him randomly and very little but my youngest (ours) hears from him daily.... He is having the time of his life away from kids, homework, dance lessons, piano lessons, dr appt and me..... Like a kid at Christmas, I feel angry and empty

[Leola Stotts]

Life can be so hard at times. It is difficult to look past the NOW and yet that is just what you need to do. Take all these burdens and worries to God. He is your source. when you begin to feel peace about the situation an answer will come. Do not anticipate what will happen when the month is over. Take today, and tomorrow and your future as it comes. Live for today. Take care of yourself and yours. There are agencies set up to help those in severe need. Check with your pastor, minister or community outreach and see what avenues might be there for you. Praying for you and this situation.

[kif8skip]

Protect yourself !

I am sorry this is happening with your husband -

You can only truly control one person and that is you - we cannot control the world or the stuff thrown our way , however we can control our own actions and reactions to them...

Do not be emotionally blindsided by him , and find out what your own legal rights are in relation to finances and what your rights are in this situation--- see a lawyer ASAP for your own futures sake.

Once you do something positive for yourself , it will help you to feel better and stronger - I hope you have a friend/advocate that can help you in person.

Peace - take care of YOU !

[Imagine]

Talk to a Lawyer, NOW. I don't know what stat you live in, but I do know that once you've been married for 10 years-- you can draw from HIS social security. I also know that you should NOT be the one to file. Let him DESERT you. You have a diag that renders it impossible for you to work. The fact that he has limited financial resources is HIS problem- not yours.

I am not an atty; but I've been through a divorce and know many others who have as well. My guess is he has already spoken with legal council. Look, there are many pro bono lawyers out there. I know you're broken hearted and exhausted- believe me, I know. I also know that you must find the strength to TAKE CARE OF YOU, by not allowing him to screw you over.

You have support here. Contact your ms chapter where you live and ask about attorneys they may know. Call Social Services. Call the Bar Association. KEEP CALLING until you have an advocate... and don't give up!!! Take care of yourself... do not wait for him to do it. Hang in there honey, and keep your head up. It will get better- you need to know your worth... and you're worth so much more that what you're getting. Keep us posted. Be Well.
Shalom,
Suzanne

[cosake]

Here are the specifics on the SS.

If you are divorced, but your marriage lasted 10 years or longer, you can receive benefits on your ex-spouse's record (even if he or she has remarried) IF:

•You are unmarried;
•You are age 62 or older;
•Your ex-spouse is entitled to Social Security retirement or disability benefits and
•The benefit you are entitled to receive based on your own work is less than the benefit you would receive based on your ex-spouse's work.

[Imagine]

clarify

Cosake, thanks for posting this. I read back over my post and realized that I had neglected to specify age 62---I was, primarily, attempting to reduce anxiety about retirement.

Also, to everyone- I honestly did not intend for my font to resemble skyscrapers The damn font looks as if I am shouting or something Again, not my intent. I typically use bold font b/c it's easier to read; but I was mortified when I saw how it appeared once posted. Guess I should consider previewing, huh?
Shalom,
Suzanne

Here are the specifics on the SS.

If you are divorced, but your marriage lasted 10 years or longer, you can receive benefits on your ex-spouse's record (even if he or she has remarried) IF:

•You are unmarried;
•You are age 62 or older;
•Your ex-spouse is entitled to Social Security retirement or disability benefits and
•The benefit you are entitled to receive based on your own work is less than the benefit you would receive based on your ex-spouse's work.

[sunshine008]

hi i just wanted to send my thoughts, say i get it trust me. sometimes in life i've come to learn things can look very bleak, and often feel a bit hopeless. Yet never give up hope, and just trust in your future the friends, ppl and resources you have around you. Their there and you will see how others will assist you in this new transition and chapter in your life if it does come to pass.

((hugs)) hang in there.....