barely hanging in

[cebo7]

I am new here and not sure how this works. My husband of almost 18yrs was diagnosed with ms 6 months ago. Things have gotten bad. I love my husband and I know the things he says are not him he has never talked to me this way, ever, It is difficult to watch him go thru this.
I have begged him to talk to someone since he will not talk to me about his disease. He pushes me away shuts me out, he has become so distant.
Recently he has left the house, I have a temporary restraining order in place because the verbal and mental abuse has gotten really bad. We have 5 children that are exposed to everything and it is not fair that they have to watch this. I love my husband, I wish we could get the help so we can learn to understand eachother and communicate. I dont know if he says the mean things because he thinks if i get mad enough I will leave and not have to watch him suffer with the disease. It doesnt make anything easier, I love my husband, no matter what, this disease doesnt make me love him any less, I will not turn my back on him now.
The navy doesnt help, they are not here for the family just their own, they do not see what our kids are going thru or myself. They say he is sick, well I know that we live with him, we live the aftermath and outbursts no them.
I am losing my family, my husband , I dont know what to do

[Des]

Welcome, cebo7! Having MS may make your DH more emotional, but he still is in control of what he says and does. It doesn't give him an excuse to be mean and hurt you and the kids.

Since you mentioned the Navy, I'm assuming he's in the service? I don't know much about that, but there are military people here who do know and could offer more help than I can.

Five children? How old are they? You defnitely have your hands full. Even if he won't see someone, you may want to go by yourself to talk about everything and get suggestions on how to help your kids and yourself.

[cebo7]

Thank you Des for the reply, I have been in touch with fleet and family services and they say I should get a legal seperation to protect the kids and myself financially since he has drained th bank account yet again.
It is hard to go through this alone since my parents and sisters are all on the east coast.
His command has not hlped they continue to put it under the rug, I believe they know more about what he wants or has said han they are saying.

[wassons5]

Hello and Welcome cebo7. I don't have any advice or anything but I just wanted to tell you, you have found the right place to be. This is an awesome group here, filled with many caring people.

I hope one day soon everything will work out for you and your family.

[Jules A]

I dont know if he says the mean things because he thinks if i get mad enough I will leave and not have to watch him suffer with the disease. It doesnt make anything easier, I love my husband, no matter what, this disease doesnt make me love him any less, I will not turn my back on him now.

Personally I think this is more likely something women think of as an excuse to not make a change. It is definitely possible that MS has altered his personality but even that doesn't make it acceptable for you to stay with someone abusive especially because you have children.

FWIW I'm also a female and the one with MS but don't think anyone should have to put up with living in a less than respectful relationship. Having a miserable disease like MS doesn't give any free passes to act like a jerk, imo.

[cebo7]

I really appreciate everyones advice and input, I should also add that my husbands ms is not his only problem he has a torn achilles and disc problems in his back. Because of the chronic pain he is on Viacodin and flexorall plus a ton more meds, I am not sure why he is treating us like this or saying the things he does, they hurt, he says he wants a divorce and has not loved me for some time, before the meds and all his health problems he never spoke this way ever. Now the verbal and emotional abuse is to much for my kids and myself.
I love my husband and if this is because of the meds or his way to try and push me away to not watch him deteriorate I can not turn my back on him. I love him and always will disease or no diease I love him. I wish I knew what it was him or the meds. I cant go through much more of this and cant put my kids thru much more. Their ages are, 8,10,13,15 and 16. I know this disease is bad and I am willing to stay by his side and love him no matter what if he loves me too.

[Des]

I'm glad the service is advising you on what to do legally. Do they also have counselors or someone to talk to? They would probably be good about helping you decide if it's the MS or something else.

Drug addiction can be horrible, especially for the family living with the drug addict. I learned the hard way that I cannot control anybody else. All I can control is my reactions to their behavior. Al-Anon stuff that finally got through my thick skull.

As a mother myself, I know that it was my job to protect my children from being hurt. Evven if they say they're OK, they are being hurt by his behavior.

Good luck with everything.

[cebo7]

Thank you Des,
The navy does have councelors which I have called to get appts. for the kids and myself, As for my DH command hey keep making excuses and trying not o hold him responsible, I am he bad wife and he needs to get rid of me! I have never cheated, lied, or spoken ill of my husband I have always supported him and will continue as long as he can admit there is a problem and he needs help. I will not have my kids bear the brunt of this anymore, I will not risk losing my kids over all of this. They are my life they are what I live for. I just pray my DH can get the help before he loses everything, only to wake up one day and see the damage he has created.
I have spoken o his CMC but dont know who to go to, to actually get him the help he needs. We have court on Wednesday for the restraining order hopefully the judge can help. Hopefully my DH doesnt think I am doing thisto get back at him, if I dont do this CPS has advised me they will remove the kids, I will not let that happen, EVER.
I love my DH but if I dont protect my kids who will, what kind of mother would I be?

[Jules A]

Now the verbal and emotional abuse is to much for my kids and myself.
I love my husband and if this is because of the meds or his way to try and push me away to not watch him deteriorate I can not turn my back on him. I love him and always will disease or no diease I love him. I wish I knew what it was him or the meds. I cant go through much more of this and cant put my kids thru much more. Their ages are, 8,10,13,15 and 16. I know this disease is bad and I am willing to stay by his side and love him no matter what if he loves me too.

Please get some counseling for yourself. What you have written here makes me concerned there is some sort of battered syndrome or low self-esteem issues going on. It does not make sense to me to make excuses for his treatment of your family and repeatedly declare your blind devotion to someone who is treating you like this.

[Spydre]

While I realize it's hard to come to this kind of decision while your husband is ill, if he's saying that he doesn't love you, and hasn't, and things are bad enough that CPS is threatening to take away your children, you need to walk away. Your children need to come first. And the kids are watching and absorbing everything. If you give them a model of staying through emotional abuse, then one day they could end up doing the same thing. It happened in my family. My mother stayed through all of my father's alcohol problems - and then my sister ended up staying with her husband - even though he was abusive - when was addicted to drugs, through many, many times in rehab. I'm not sure what finally triggered her to separate from him, but she never divorced him, and was made a widow shortly after. Or, on the flip side - if they see you taking the abuse, they could end up as the abusers themselves. Please think of your children and walk away before it's too late.

[cebo7]

eyes opening

I am starting to see a councelor, hopefully they can help me get my mind straight. My husbands CMC finally listened I hope, I still worry about the chief looking out for chief thing. He is following up with DH doctors and gonna try and get him help. He is still out of the house and right now it is the best thing for my kids and for myself. I cant be the blame for everything anymore, my kids are finally loosening up and being kids again, yes they miss dad but they dont miss the yelling and being scared to get in trouble for being a kid. Thank you everyone, I have been learning alot since I found this place, thank you again.

[Des]

That's great, cebo! It sounds like you're heading in the right direction.

[Sweetietngirl]

Personally I think this is more likely something women think of as an excuse to not make a change. It is definitely possible that MS has altered his personality but even that doesn't make it acceptable for you to stay with someone abusive especially because you have children.

I agree...