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    How to avoid resentment

    In a effort to not be insensitive I want to say that I feel for every person that has MS and all that it does to your life! I am dealing with the possibility that my husband has MS. His neuro told him that he probably has MS. I have become so depressed about the possible changes in our lives. I love him dearly but given the stress we are experiencing it is taking its toll. I try really hard to elminate stress from his world. I do all of the care taking for our daughters ages 6 and 4. I try to keep the house up as best as I can and cook. I take the kids where they need to be. I basically do everything without asking for help like I used to because I do not want to stress him out.

    It is hard to keep this up and I am aware that over time I will slip and not be able to protect him from stress. In appreciation for my efforts he gets mad when I do not do what he thinks I should. This causes great resentment in me from him. It makes me want to walk away and let him take care of himself. My heart will not allow me to do that but some days are tough. He will not talk to me and that frustrates me. I am a counselor by profession so I consider myself good at getting people to talk to me. This possibility is taking its toll on me and my mental help.

    I have had thoughts of suicide and thought of getting in my car and walking away from my whole life...kids and all. I want him to know and anyone else that has a spouse that does not have a disease like MS that we are hurting too. And this is very hard for everyone. I realize that he has the symptoms but the heartache the caregivers experience are devestating. I feel like we are only beginning to understand this disease and we are failing at coping with this.

    I am just looking for any advice. I realize I may be jumping the gun since he has not been diagnosed but I am trying to prepare. Thanks for letting me vent about this.

    **Post broken into paragraphs by Moderator for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print.**

    #2
    Originally posted by Tigergal View Post
    I realize I may be jumping the gun since he has not been diagnosed but I am trying to prepare.
    Hi Tigergal,

    Yes, you maybe jumping the gun, it's best to wait for the Neurologist to say "it is MS" before making yourself sick with worry and what ifs.

    Stress is a normal part of life, everyone has stress, to some level in their life. It is unrealistic to assume you can take away all of your husbands stress. It's also unrealistic to assume stress can and should be eliminated from your life.

    Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could live a life without bills, with children that are calm and never cause problems, a job where you can take your time and not worry about deadlines or mistakes? We can dream

    There is no way to not have stress in your life, unless you live in a bubble. You cannot protect your husband from stress, the more you try the more it's affecting you in a negative way.

    It's important for caregivers, spouses, significant others, to take care of themselves. If you can't take care of yourself how can you help others such as your children and husband?

    Stop trying to do everything, as much as many women like to think...we are not superwoman Even if your husband has MS he can still help with the children and other things.

    I am the one with MS and we had our children after I was diagnosed. My husband traveled on business so I was the one who took much of the responsibility for our children, our house, the dogs/cat, and so much more. It was so nice to have my husband home to help, but I did what I had to do...disease and all. Have I dealt with stress? Very much so and I am still okay
    Diagnosed 1984
    “Lightworkers aren’t here to avoid the darkness…they are here to transform the darkness through the illuminating power of love.” Muses from a mystic

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      #3
      I have a couple of thoughts: first, yes, maybe you are jumping the gun. Secondly, and probably more importantly, is that we create our own stress. Well, not entirely, but our circumstance is only a part of how we respond to life. The rest is attitude. We all need to find healthy ways to deal with stress, and those of us with MS must especially be careful to limit our own stress. You are right: you can't keep up doing everything, and protecting him from stress, or you will burn out. I would be resentful too, if I were doing that. Instead maybe discuss this whole thing with him? Encourage him to get some help to better deal with stressors? (I know men are often quite resistant to therapy). And maybe a bit of therapy for you, to help you deal with it all? You can only do what you can do....

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        #4
        Some things are out of our hands.
        We as people just have to accept this.

        Your husband's heart is the same.
        Love him and stay in the present.

        Remember your lovely children.
        Please remember love is an action word.

        And, it's OK to cry...

        Comment


          #5
          MS or not it doesn't sound like you are getting a fair deal in this relationship. Frankly if my spouse acted disrespectful over the long term I'd be out of there whether he had MS or not.

          Since you are a therapist you know the value of getting an objective mediator involved. I would definitely try this for yourself and your children if nothing else. I hope things get easier for you.
          He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
          Anonymous

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            #6
            both are devastating

            I believe that depression is as serious a diagnosis as MS ... and if you have had thoughts of suicide then you have depression, and you need a doctor's attention as much or even more than he does, because you are also a parent and housekeeper and wife, with all the responsibility of the house. Home is shelter and comfort for him... a job for you.

            Having an open discussion, admitting to your thoughts and your need for medical attention, may be difficult without a third party referee, so that it doesn't become a "mine is worse than yours" match.

            I have both MS and depression - probably most if not all of us here have both ... and if your husband's doctor isn't yet sure, your husband's maybe-MS symptoms to date must be fairly mild ... yours are not.

            Be careful, and be well.
            First symptoms: 1970s Dx 6/07 Copaxone 7/07 DMD Free 10/11
            Ignorance was bliss ... I regret knowing.

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