My marriage is in trouble

[Spydre]

Sorry, Sunshine, I got busy yesterday. I'm sorry that things are going the way they are. Really I am. If you leave him, definitely apply for disability, but that can take quite a while. Also apply for aid like TANF, food stamps, emergency housing, or housing assistance.

I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts.

[jumpinjiminy]

Sunshine, I'm so sorry you're going through this. We had a similar situation here for a while and I'll tell you how I resolved it. It may not have been the best way to handle it, but it worked and things are almost as good as right after we were married.

I'm not a nag. I've worked very hard and bit my tongue so many times in our partnership that it's down to a nub. But, whenever he hears something from me he doesn't want to hear, it doesn't matter if I've never said it before, he would say to me, "you don't have to go on about it."

After about ten years of this I realized he was basically telling me to shut up. And once that hit me I blew my stack. I gave him going on. I went on about how he was acting like a bachelor, how we weren't his pet family to interact with only when it was convenient for him, blah blah blah. I also reminded him that I'd taken care of him, our son, my daughter, the house, shopping, cleaning, worked and went to school when he was sick for three years. Which prompted me to remind him that if he didn't want family life, wasn't going to be there for me or his son, he might as well just go and enjoy the single life.

I also let him know that I wasn't about to accept the treatment his mother got from his father (his mortal enemy in life, someone he does not want to be like, yet he was acting the same way) and I was not going to stand by anymore and watch him treat his son or me like a pest.

Needless to say, after this big blow out I had to put up with the cold shoulder, and my son and I were treated to slamming doors for two days. He wouldn't answer my calls at work, and he wouldn't even look at me. At that point I decided I couldn't deal with his anger anymore, didn't want our son to watch his dad act and treat me this way and asked him to leave until he could get control over himself.

He lasted a few days. A couple of days later I sent him a make up email after cooling off, and he's been acting like my partner ever since. I now have my husband back, after ten years of his absence within our four walls. Now when he starts feeling like he's going to blow, he realizes he's probably just tired, goes upstairs, closes the door, turns on the tv and naps until he wakes up.

He might just need some 'me' time. Family life is hard when there are long term illnesses involved. Toss in a whole new family and a potentially disabling illness, these things don't exactly bring out the best in us, right?

The lying thing, well, that's a different issue. When one spouse feels like they're being parented by the other, this likely is the result. We had that issue here too and he finally realized that if he would take the initiative to take care of things around the house himself, I wouldn't have to ask him. That solved that problem.

It was a rough week, and I had a major flare about a few weeks later and maybe they're related, but it was worth it in the end. I've been down the single parent road before and it was no piece of cake. I'd do it again if I had to, but I'll do what it takes to keep from going there again. If that means tossing the man out on his ear to get some peace, so be it.

[sunshine008]

thanks, wow and that's all it took?? that's amazing...... truly. we've been here before that's the problem. yes evidentally he's lying to make me happy so he thinks that he's doing what i want him to do. yet at the same time is doing what he wants to do.

i never want to cram get help down anyone's throat i hate that, i'd hate someone doing it to me. yet here we are. it hasnt' been the first time it's gotten this bad, yet with each hit as you know it takes a piece of the marriage away.

my oldest kid is very attached to him also, my youngest isn't. I've been a single parent also def. not an easy job, and to be honest i'd really miss him, the friendship part that I truly thought we had. The meltdowns no not at all.

I can't kick him out, id' have to leave or he'd have to go on his own. there are certain things I wouldn't do, he was left rather badly by his ex wife. I would retrigger that for him. I'ts too bad he doesn't think of me that way, like let's not give Jen a relapse etc. let me handle this calmly.

he's tried therapy, two different ones yet neither worked for him. So it isn't like he hasn't tried. the next step for me was meds. He's overworked, has a ton of stress, sole earner in our family so yea i can see why he's so stressed yet degrading me won't ever fix that problem. ya know?

i dont' know how a marriage can come back from this again. he thinks if he leaves it'll solve all. the lying scares me alot, we've been there before also. it's what he does when he does what he wants to do and disregards my feelings on it or thinks i wont' react the way he'd like me to by telling me the truth. like a kid.

[jumpinjiminy]

They are two different men, but yes, I did get degraded for a very long time. I just had to start fighting back, then asked him how he would feel if I ever said things like that to him. Then reminded him I would never dare because of how he would react. Oh, he blew his stack, towered over me, then I stood up and said I wasn't going to let him stand there and intimidate me, took my pillow and slept downstairs. I really thought it was over for us just three months ago. I was ready to be alone again. I wanted it. And yes, that's all it took.

I thank the prednisone for giving me the courage to come out with it once and for all. We've been going round and round over these same things for years. This way changed the formula, changed the pattern. He's used to harshness, was raised in a very sick family, but determined not to be the same.

We have to break the cycles. Changing the methods does that. I kept tiptoeing around, trying to be gentle, this is the same thing everyone in his childhood family did. They dealt with things by shoving them under the rug. I'd had enough and wasn't going to let it go on any longer. That's all.

I only shared thinking it might help somehow. There are no easy answers and we have to find them on our own. Every family is unique, and yours sounds like it's over the top with stress, stress, stress. Tensions are going to run high. We had to dismantle our stresses one at a time, but I couldn't do it alone. Once I had his cooperation in that, and much of it was his behavior, he realized we were committed to the same goals and we had to work as a team, set the example for our son, etc.

[sunshine008]

I appreciate you taking the time to share, and it's great that you were able to resolve an ongoing problem. harmony within one's marriage is a huge thing I think. It helps us do more and better I believe in all areas of our life. Just the same holds true when it's stressed and not working it can tend to make everything else harder at least to me lol. i'm far too wrapped up in my family. I need a JOB

Yes we have had our share of stress, and their just part of our life. Alot are things we just have to deal with because it's our life.

So, you never at anytime felt that what your husband was experiencing was a true chemical imbalance or some sort of disorder of some type? Did your husband rage, and than fall asleep after and also be in a mood for a few days following? That's how my husband tends to be. He too has a twisted family background, his dad and mom from what he says we're both yellers, i know his dad is and is nasty. His sister blows up also with her family. So it's def. a dynamic.

I've in the past gotten in his face a bit when he starts to blow it only escalates him so iv'e learned that is not the way to go. It's better to just let him meltdown and release it.

The one reason I get by with kids is because he's only off two days a week, and the restof the time he's home late from work. he's great after work, he's relaxed i guess got rid of all that energy. he tends to have alot. he's up each night till 3 a.m. though. days off is when his fuse is short, house full of kids, and ofcourse taking them to do stuff or during school year the regular stuff.

who knows, i know i have to focus on me and not letting this give me a relapse. I have to start my avonex next week, i have a big med change happening for my daughter this week also.

I guess it'll fall on him. he'll do what he does. as far as staying and getting help, because the therapy doesn't work or leaving.

[jumpinjiminy]

You know, I never gave it much thought if it was a chemical imbalance for him or not. Yes, he has raged and does tend to stick with his anger for a couple of days afterward. The nap thing, not so much. But he has shown over these last months that he can control it. When he's trying to quit smoking, not so much.

I'm not afraid of a man hitting me. If he does, it will be the last time. So I do stand up to him now. We can only bury things for so long, right? It does inflame things. But that is the only condition he's going to say what needs said. He also needs to get things off his chest. We both tend to need that from time to time.

My family were yellers, his were hitters. I'm not sure about yelling, but if they were physically abusive, I imagine the verbal goes right along with it. So when we fight, it's loud. But at least with that we're confronting the issues. Otherwise, it's silent rage boiling that comes out in all sorts of ways that are even more unproductive and misplaced on the wrong people - usually our son, who has nothing to do with it.

I just couldn't stand by and watch him snap, snap, snap at him constantly anymore. I let him do it with my daughter, regret not saying anything, and now won't stand for it anymore with the youngest. It's worse for him to be constantly nagged and belittle by his dad than it is for him to be with him part time in separate homes.

It's really sad that your husband doesn't look forward to coming home and spending time with his family, his kids. This is the thing I was fighting over. This is the life they chose. They aren't allowed to just shut down and ignore it. They are as responsible for it as we are. He gets time off work when he comes home. When do you?

[sunshine008]

It isn't easy, we always bring our upbringings and childhoods into our marriage. as the therapists always say "how was your childhood?"

for me i was raised in a single family household, no siblings no dad there everyday. he was raised in craziness and i think he tried very hard to keep it real for himself, he was really into sports and football, was not a big drinker or partier. he excelled in school and went to college and did extremely well. my mom was the controller bigtime. his parents as i said just yelled alot, mom had her issues and dad cheated on her and left.

anyway, idk his having 3 kids was with his ex him and i never had any of our own, it was too complicated with all the other kids. he doesn't really look forward to it, def. looks forward to returning home when we aren't fighting to me at midnight after closing up. yet the kids i think they overwhelm him and he's tired, irritable and it's just not good.

i get a break it used to be once a week, he'd watch kids and i'd go riding, or the gym. i havent' done that in two weeks now. plus his kids are here like i said two days a week so i dont' care for his kids full time.

i think it's gotten worse lately because of all his pressures, financial are a ton, my diagnosis i guess loomes to some extent for him, and the continuous life we have here. my daughter is very anxiety ridden and knocks on our door until 2 a.m. most nights when we're trying to watch a movie or just talk.

so yea it isn't easy. yet like i said attacking me isnt' going to fix it and who said it would be easy? he def. went into it with two eyes wide open, he wasn't under the impression it would e diff. we lived together for years prior to marrying. He was still going through divorce junk. that i think has finally ended i think. i dont' think he'll ever forget what she did, how she did it and i do believe very strongly that's why he isn't so open, is very guarded alot of the time, and gets angered easily if he feels anyones trying to get over on him.

yet there comes a pt when you gotta release the past so u dont' ruin the future and present.

we'll c we haven't spoken in two days for the most part. except some horrifying texts today whereas he stated he would leave. so we'll c i'm breaking the silence tonight. i'm a bit of a planner and i like to know wha'ts coming next so i can prepare for it emotionally.

anything can be fixed i really do believe. alot say it can't be with men. yet if you have admittance in any situation i think and the desire to change it can occur. i've seen it. yet he keeps getting to this point to fix it and than backs off again.

[cosake]

How are you doing, sunshine ?

[Tawanda]

Tough situation

I will cut to the chase. Your husband has a wicked bad temper and is a liar. If you came into a large sum of money and could support yourself, would you be putting up with this ****?

I think this economy has more people than ever trapped in bad relationships, ESPECIALLY when children are involved. I don't have the answers. Your situation is complex. I just hope you can get to a place where you can find some peace.

[sunshine008]

I don't have any answers either..... LOL.

I had to tell him either get help clean it up or leave. sad words for a long relationship and quite honestly if i suddenly won lotto i wouldn't run for the hills and handle it any differently i don't think.

He's been a stand up guy for us, me and my kids for a very long time. Yes anger is bad, yes he's melting down and currently infecting my home. Yet marriage to me is so important, and it isn't easy, especially when two ppl come into it with their own junk.

so, to be honest it's been a heck of a week a whole lotta stress not being able to talk, converse. we haven't spoken for days now. Yet we'll c if he choses to leave or choses to handle his junk and help me with our family. Granted their his stepkids yet i love his kids as if their my own. yet i only c them twice a week.

thing is myself as well as kids see what he's capable of, he left work last year and flew for hours on end diff planes to meet me across the country to hold down my daughter to get a feeding tube in because i was melting down. he's done things similar to that for years for us. I have remained a stay at home mom for years due to my daughte'rs illness that is now over and he's been main earner.

doesn't make any of it right, just well that's a bit of the larger picture.

[Tawanda]

I don't have any answers either..... LOL.

I had to tell him either get help clean it up or leave. sad words for a long relationship and quite honestly if i suddenly won lotto i wouldn't run for the hills and handle it any differently i don't think.

He's been a stand up guy for us, me and my kids for a very long time. Yes anger is bad, yes he's melting down and currently infecting my home. Yet marriage to me is so important, and it isn't easy, especially when two ppl come into it with their own junk.

so, to be honest it's been a heck of a week a whole lotta stress not being able to talk, converse. we haven't spoken for days now. Yet we'll c if he choses to leave or choses to handle his junk and help me with our family. Granted their his stepkids yet i love his kids as if their my own. yet i only c them twice a week.

thing is myself as well as kids see what he's capable of, he left work last year and flew for hours on end diff planes to meet me across the country to hold down my daughter to get a feeding tube in because i was melting down. he's done things similar to that for years for us. I have remained a stay at home mom for years due to my daughte'rs illness that is now over and he's been main earner.

doesn't make any of it right, just well that's a bit of the larger picture.

I have been following your story...and for once, I am tongue-tied. The hardest part of my life was being diagnosed with M.S. fairly new into my marriage and fairly fast after I gave birth. Luckily, my husband normalized (kind of). He came from a very healthy family where chronic, progressive disease only exists on other planets. As corny as it seems, he got himself back into the fold of the Catholic Church and seemed to have come to some sort of reckoning with our lives as an "M.S. Family". Has things gotten better? Yes. But will I resent him forever? Well...yes! Where was he when I needed him most? I'll never know, and he has never volunteered the answer. IMHO, M.S. is a no-win situation, but your babies are the most important thing in front of you right now and M.S. and hubby take a back seat. Either things will even out or you'll have to wash that man right out of your hair at the next possible opportunity, no matter what strings you have to pull or chips you have to cash in. M.S. is enough, and no-one deserves to suffer beyond that.

I don't know if you are old enough to remember the "Ann Lander's Ann" column, but her ultimate question was, "are you happier with him or without him?"

[sunshine008]

hi,

That must of been very hard for you to of been newly married, a new baby and a diagnosis of MS. Yet it sounds like you have a really positive attitude and that's I think one of the most important things with any disease or life situation that is really stressful. To me when hope is gone its all shot to you know where lol.

It sounds like you went thru a very scarey period, yet it also sounds like your husband also saw what was most important at the end of the day and that was you guys. MS can scare ppl I think, the words alone can leave you speechless. It has such a horrible stigma to it.

I think one of the hardest things in life is to love someone for who they are, bad and good. Now in our cases your husband had to make his peace with what his future would be and he did. With mine it's he has to make peace with himself I think on some levels.

Neither my husband nor I come from very healthy, functional families so bringing the baggage in was inevitable. I have strived tooth and nail to be as healthy as I can be emotionally and have done the work, for my children's sake so that they can benefit from that on every level possible. He also has to do that, they say the best relationships are the ones that allow you to heal and grow as a person.

we def. have that covered. I am in forgiveness mode for sure it isn't easy. I dont' want to hold resentment not just for me more for me. I'ts like wasted energy all that stuff in our brains.

btw i've been known to tongue tie ppl lol you aren't the only one.

and yup i remember that quote she wrote. Hard to answer though when he's the guy i fell for absolutely no doubt in my mind so much happier, secure and at peace than without.

only time will tell i do appreciate you sharing your thoughts and really happy for you that it worked out so well. it doesn't always i've heard.

[Tawanda]

Marriage doesn't have to be forever, but M.S. does!

I am in forgiveness mode for sure it isn't easy. I dont' want to hold resentment not just for me more for me. I'ts like wasted energy all that stuff in our brains.

Amen! We have enough problems with lesions sucking up our brain matter!

Resentment is something I am still working on. I can shrink it down, but I don't know if I can lose it completely (as much as I hate it taking up valuable real estate on my brain!). I resent the M.S. the most though, as we know I can eliminate the husband, but never the M.S.!