Failure to perceive others emotions-lack empathy

[Jules A]

I am so relieved that I found this post. I'm going through the same thing right now. and i'm at the end. My bf and I have been dating for about 3 months and lately he has become so distant. and sometimes does or says things that hurt me. he says he doesn't mean to but now there is an issue with a female friend and he says he doesn't understand my insecurity. it's so frustrating, but how can I have a conversation without yelling or bawling considering that he just had chemo this week?
you are not alone.

You need to do what is right for you but imo if you are having these issues after only 3 months that would be a huge red flag.

I mean really if the first 6 months of a new relationship aren't just a whirlwind of excitement and unrealistic romantic expectations what does the future likely hold?

[Jules A]

My hustband who is a wonderful person also gets very mean or maybe the better term is having lack of empathy. I have been trying to figure out if it is the MS the meds or just him without any success until now.

I'm not sure it really matters what causes it although my suspicion is for most of us a combination of physiological brain changes combined with the horror/disgust of having such a miserable disease.

The real issue here is that your husband is unkind to your young, impressionable daughter. Please get her in counseling and if possible do family counseling for everyone.

Emotional abuse can result in disaster for young women. Please don't just write this off as acceptable because MS is involved.

[a_p_s_p_p]

Working on it

Thank you Jules. i am working on it. She is 17 and fighting it. Unless I tie her down and carry her in I can't force it. At least I haven't found a way to get her to go. We have done some family counceling. The problem is a few weeks after the appointment it goes right back. I cannot say she doesn't have a hand in the problem, but I also know there are many times that he argues with her just to get his point across. At times it almost seems like he is so focused on getting his point across he doesn't realize the damage he is causing. I have tried repeatedly to talk to both of them and neither will budge in their stance. But again I am working on getting her to go.

Wish me luck.

[Alilac]

Not alone anymore (long)

I am so amazed that I missed this thread when it started. I feel like the responses are right here in my life!

My husband has had MS most of his life and was diagnosed in 1995. I met him 9 years ago and we married 2 years ago. He is honestly a sweet and loving man. I do love the man I met and married.

However.... he is becoming a grouchy bear more and more. I would love to discuss this with his doctor but he doesn't like or trust doctors so it is rare when we see one. I came to this site the first time shortly after meeting him trying to understand why he temper flared so quickly. I have found great support here.

I finally coined the term "MS Temper" for how he acts. When he is in pain or when he feels out of control (most of the time lately) he gets cruel in how he speaks to me. He treats me often like a small child that constantly needs correction. I find that he projects his anger to me and then accuses me of being angry, unreasonable and petty. I know that when he goes into this mode that he is hurting, but it is becoming constant.

I contacted NMSS and secured counseling for us both. He went only because he thought I needed a slap from a counselor to 'settle down'. I know for a fact that I have more patience than most and am actually very even tempered. He lasted through 2 phone sessions and one personal session with the counselor. He decided that he knew more and that the counselor had no clue. He quit.

I went to one more session without him because I needed verification that I was not going nuts. The counselor set me straight and mentioned that she had not met many people who had such a strong grasp on handling this sort of thing. I really needed her encouragement, it helped so much. I thought I was alone in all this. It is still not easy.

He is a manipulator and sets me up for his sessions of correction. I have no input allowed because he decides what I am thinking and feeling. He cannot grasp that I am stable and caring. He believes that everyone can't understand him and they are all out to take advantage of him.

Venting aside, it amazes me that he is kind and polite to visitors, but to me when we are alone he is always angry. I perpetually live 'in the splatter zone'. I chose him and I will not walk away from this. Sometimes though I really wish he would talk to me like he does to others. He tells them how wonderful I am all the time. To me he lets all the pain out. Being his caregiver is not easy by any means. I say that I live for the moments when he is the man I married.

This sounds like I am walking in a nest of crocodiles without a bridge... maybe I am, but I love him and work to understand him. There is no easy day.. that was yesterday.


i hope someday the medical field will address the emotional damage MS and chronic pain causes. Until then all I can say is make the choice, stay or go. But always know, we are never alone in this. The more folks who speak out about this issue the sooner doctors might realize it is real.

Good luck and remember hugs can be cyber or real, but they are a huge help in not feeling alone. So accept my huge hug!

[Jules A]

i hope someday the medical field will address the emotional damage MS and chronic pain causes. Until then all I can say is make the choice, stay or go. But always know, we are never alone in this. The more folks who speak out about this issue the sooner doctors might realize it is real.

These issues are currently acknowledged/addressed but unfortunately there is only so much pain medication and psychotropics can do especially when there is either brain damage and/or personality disorders which is why therapy is such an important part.

I truly can not accept that this type of treatment of a spouse is acceptable...MS or not. This can't be a peaceful life and I'm really surprised your therapist congratulated you on your "grasp" on this instead of exploring why you feel it is ok to be treated with disrespect. Wishing you all the best.

[Cat Mom]

Where are the "mean lesions" located in the brain or spine?

[a_p_s_p_p]

Mis-treatment is not ok, if it is intentional

Jules, I completely agree with you that this type of treatment is unacceptible, however if the person doesn't realize that he is doing it do you just walk away. I believe we all deserve happiness but my husband didn't ask for all these problems. How do you walk away from that, not to mention that I married him for better or worse, sickness and health. Although at times I wish I could run away, in the end I made my choice 20 years ago and I intend to stand by that choice. As hard as it is at times you don't desert people you love because it is hard.

I love the fact that there are people here that are able to support eachother to make life a little more bearable. Most of the time I can handle the situation, but when I cannot the support is immeasurable.

Thank you for that!!!!!