I'm dating - what to tell these people?

[Jules A]

But I wouldn't feel a burning need to tell someone I just met that I'm a terrible singer who sings terrible songs that I made up on the fly or that I snore so loudly sometimes I wake MYSELF up. .

I hear you all but my thought is this isn't about the UPS man knowing what your affliction is or not being able to hold a tune. Aren't we talking about pursuing a long term intimate relationship?

Maybe I'm overthinking this and assuming the OP wants a long term relationship with one of these suitors in which case I personally think up front disclosure is cruicial of something as huge as MS with he increased possibility that we will at some point become totally dependent. Just me but I'd be pissed and immediately break it off if this wasn't disclosed up front.

As for someone targeting disabled people I guess that is a decent point although I figure it is the same as the scum bags that troll to target women in general. To me that isn't a big deal since I wouldn't put my home address on the site and would always meet in a safe public place until I felt I knew the person better and have run the credit and background check.

P.S. for anyone unsavory reading this please keep in mind that even if we are disabled as long as we can still type on a dating site you might want to assume that we can still pull the trigger on our hand guns so piss off.

[MrsBones]

I hear you all but my thought is this isn't about the UPS man knowing what your affliction is or not being able to hold a tune. Aren't we talking about pursuing a long term intimate relationship?

Yes, we are. It isn't about bad singing or my UPS guy. The UPS guy was only an example of some one I have met , know a little bit about, but will never have a long term relationship with, just like someone I might have had a date or two with.

My point is, from your standpoint, and correct me if I'm wrong, it's important for a date to know anything that might effect his life upfront. My standpoint is that I'd want to know how he's possibly going to effect my life first...is he someone who has a chance of staying in my life beyond that night or a date next weekend... before I know I should tell him personal information that may or may not be emotionally difficult to reveal. What about other things in my past that may effect his quality of life later? Should a person reveal if they're depressed and have attempted suicide? Been the victim of abuse?

What about him? Should I expect him to tell me anything in his past or medical history that could effect me later? I'd just rather get a feeling for where it might go first. I don't need to know if he has any chronic, potentially disabling diseases on the first date. After all, a jerk is a jerk, disabled or not.
If he wants to tell me, have at it, but I don't need to know. If I don't ever intend to see him again, why do I need to know he has disease X? To me, that goes both ways.

I'm not saying wait until the wedding night. I'd just rather get a feeling for where it might go first. Maybe it's love at first sight and you tell him on that first date and maybe he's absolutely repugnant , you never see him again and there's no need for some stranger that just creeps you out to have that kind of info. Especially in today's world of Spokeo, a website that can in a lot of cases, not only give you a home address with just a name, but also sat photos. Heck, they had sat photos of not just my house, but my parents' ,as well, all under my name, not to mention other personal info. Not hard for them to run the same kind of checks on you that you might run on them.

I guess it boils down to deal breakers. To you it's the possibility of a person not being as healthy or able as you thought:

Personally I think it should be on your profile or at the very least disability as your occupation. I'm sorry but to me serious health issues are a deal breaker and "getting to know" someone under the impression that they are healthy would make me feel like I was sold a bill of goods.

To me, it would be something like they didn't reveal or lied about being currently married. Something that points to his personality or scruples not being what I look for. Future disability or ill health,eh, not so much.

I was raised in a family full of loving, sick couples, who continued to love no matter how sick any of them got. I've seen the worse of bad health co-exist with the best of a loving and happy relationship. Maybe because of that I know it's more than just possible and would rather weed out someone who does not see things the same way on issues important to me, is just unattractive, incompatible, whatever...before I go into my personal history or theirs. I'd prefer to find someone I might find worth sharing personal info, whatever (and whenever) it might be, than to waste the moment and perhaps emotional investment, on someone who isn't worthy of it.

[Shashi]

P.S. for anyone unsavory reading this please keep in mind that even if we are disabled as long as we can still type on a dating site you might want to assume that we can still pull the trigger on our hand guns so piss off.

LOL!!! Love it!!

[andeolus]

Yeah, my point is just that I don't think baring your soul on a first date or on your dating profile is the best idea. I'm just suggesting get to know the person first. If after a couple dates it feels right, and maybe you see some potential, it might be the right time to say "hey, I really like you and I see a lot of good possibilities here but before we get to far I think you should know I have MS." As opposed to "Hi there, so nice to meet you! You look like your profile pic and that's a plus. I hear this place has great pizza and by the way, I have MS!"

Again, everyone has to do what is right for them. I just feel like there's a certain level of trust that has to be met before I talk about my health issues. I wouldn't hide it, but I want to make sure this is someone who is worthy of knowing something that could potentially call off a good relationship. I also think that someone who might be comfortable with a person's health issues may want to be eased into it gradually instead of letting it all hang out on the first date.

[LZMOM]

Wow, when I was dating online, I was going out almost everyday for dinner with tons of first dates and very few second ones. I wasnt diagnosed until I was married to a man I met online.
But take your time and find someone YOU like. You will disclose when you are ready. But there is no reason until YOU like THEM. The best part of dating online is YOU get to decide who you like and dont have to keep seeing someone you dont.

Take you time and enjoy! good luck!
LZMOM

[patycak]

Don't ask don't tell??

I was on Match for a short while...I found disclosing asap really weeded out the people that don't possess empathy or compassion for another human.....Why would I want to be with someone that weak anyway?

Now I'm not dating.....and VERY happy with my own company

Thanks Match!!!

[Augusta Girl]

When I started dating my BF . . .

He told me on the first or second date, if I remember. That was mostly because we met at a music event and we knew a lot of the same people. It was widely known he had MS, so it was not like he could hide it even if he wanted to. He also had just gotten done with a relapse and had been walking with a cane, and then stopped. So when we saw people out and about people were commenting about his lack of a cane.

On our second date we started just asking each other random questions about whatever. I told him to tell me about his MS.

He explained what it was like, in kinda general terms, but also what good days are like and what bad days are like. But he also had a really positive attitude about it, and told me all the stuff he does for himself to try to help himself feel better and not have relapses, etc. I really liked that.

For me, it was a big thing to talk about, but it was not like I could just all of a sudden "not like him anymore" and decide to walk away because of his MS. I'm not that way. He says it's because I'm a little crazy.

For his side, he said that he was also judging how I reacted to the news. He said he wasn't worried if I was a little nervous or scared about it. But he did say that I was the first girl he went out with after he was diagnosed who did not look at him with pity after they heard the news. For him that was the worst, the "Oh, you poor thing" comments that he said made him feel like less than a man.

He said it was a good way to weed people out really quickly.

[Sweetietngirl]

I was on Match for a short while...I found disclosing asap really weeded out the people that don't possess empathy or compassion for another human.....Why would I want to be with someone that weak anyway?

Now I'm not dating.....and VERY happy with my own company

Thanks Match!!!

YES, thank you "MATCH.com".... so I talked to him for a while on match, then on the phone, and then he asked me out... I knew nothing of his MS...I knew he was in the Navy and had just gotten back from IRAQ... that was pretty much it..
So, our first date.. I see him.. and basically it was LOVE at first sight.... we talked for hours on end... He got up from our booth, to go to the restroom and I noticed a LIMP...I thought he had been injured in the military and that he just didnt' wanna share that with me as of yet.. FAIR ENOUGH!!!

"8" hours later, we are sitting at my house on the porch, on the swing, talking and sharing our LIVES with each other... we could not get enough of each other... Next thing I know, he says, I have MS.........
I didn't freak out or anything like that, but I started asking questions, and he answered them for me..
He was honest with me from our 1st date.....
together, we've been through all his changing meds, MRIs, doctor appointments, KT's, PT's... and then some... but we are STILL Together and getting married on SEPT. 24th..... I love that he was OPEN and HONEST from the start... but he did NOT have it on his dating profile...I think when you're "ready" to share that with someone, is when you should tell... Good luck!!!
Selena...

[Sweetietngirl]

PS... He was diagnosed in December.. I met him in JAN... and it has been difficult, rocked our worlds.. but together, we're gonna make it!!!!

[LOST ANGEL]

PS... He was diagnosed in December.. I met him in JAN... and it has been difficult, rocked our worlds.. but together, we're gonna make it!!!!

Wow!! That is great, best of luck to both of you......um, could you send some of your good luck my way?-MIKE