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Might run out of meds... can't breath from panic attacks

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  • Daisycat
    replied
    And my version of MS is this - this is a disease that slowly eats away at my brain and can attack me at any second in time and cause anything to happen. My foot cramp? Might be the start of a flare. My eye pain... maybe I am about to go blind in that eye. Slowly as time passes I will lose my physical ability to care for myself and my mental state will go to. Eventually I will end up as someone who can't do anything on their own and requires someone's help just to go to the store. I refuse to allow myself to get to this point though. This life is not one I would wish on my worst enemy... and I have wished some kinda bad things onto him (kidding when I said it of course).... but I would never wish this endless suffering onto anyone. The only second of peace I have is when I first wake up and don't remember that I am a worthless rotting brain girl with no future.

    We treat sick animals all the time. Most of them are easily fixed and can be treated with meds. Then there are the ones who have diseases that hurt the animal's quality of life and the animal is suffering. That is when we have different talks with the owner. Not saying I am for or against euthanasia in humans - just trying to point out the major difference in treating animals vs humans.

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  • pennstater
    replied
    Originally posted by Daisycat View Post
    I just wish I had never found out I had this curse and I could have continued to live in blissful ignorance that I could actually be someone.
    One last comment since this jumped out at me. Read what you wrote.

    This goes to show you your battle is a mental one, not physical. They can be the hardest to fight. But you have the control to fight it. You have to want it. You can stay in self pity with your distorted vision of what MS is, or you can educate yourself and choose to be happy again. And I mean educate yourself, not Dr. Google worst case scenarios.

    BTW, I truly feel sorry for you that you feel anyone in this world that is not 100% healthy is defective and can not contribute to society. I bet you treat sick animals with compassion. Why can't you treat people, as well as yourself that way?

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  • Daisycat
    replied
    Originally posted by pennstater View Post
    Since many have told you this is not true and you are unwilling to consider otherwise and even try to help yourself, I can't comment anymore. If I see another thread and you want help and are open to it, I will be there.

    I can't consider that I am worth something because I feel disgusted and ashamed of myself. I don't know why the universe allowed me to be born when I am genetically defective and am basically no just waiting around for my life to be 100% over (paralyzed and/or blind) inside of just partly over.

    I appreciate everything you have said but I know that I do not deserve anything in life. There are so many people who are more deserving of a good life. I just wish I had never found out I had this curse and I could have continued to live in blissful ignorance that I could actually be someone.

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  • pennstater
    replied
    Originally posted by Daisycat View Post
    It would be unrealistic for me to think my life has value. I am genetically defective and should not have been born. I do plan for the what ifs, but I just see no point in the now since my now is nothing but misery. Anytime I try to be happy I end up feeling worse because of the shame it causes me since I know I do not deserve it.
    Since many have told you this is not true and you are unwilling to consider otherwise and even try to help yourself, I can't comment anymore. If I see another thread and you want help and are open to it, I will be there.

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  • Daisycat
    replied
    It would be unrealistic for me to think my life has value. I am genetically defective and should not have been born. I do plan for the what ifs, but I just see no point in the now since my now is nothing but misery. Anytime I try to be happy I end up feeling worse because of the shame it causes me since I know I do not deserve it.

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  • SNOOPY
    replied
    Originally posted by Daisycat View Post
    The disease could strike at any time and make me a blind and paralyzed or disabled cripple. I am being realistic. I should not exist. I am not going to waste all that time and effort just to become a cripple in 4 years. Its easier to accept what is instead of trying for something I do not deserve.
    Your thought process is not realistic. You live in a very unrealistic world full of self hate and a negative thought process. Your world is out of balance and skewered.

    Those with this disease, that view life realistically, work towards a balanced life which includes planning for the "what if's," planning for the here and now as well as the future.

    You have essentially stopped your personal growth which includes learning and growing from life's difficulties and joys. All you put out is negative energy. Negative energy attracts negative energy. Nothing will change for you until you decide you have had enough of living a negative life.

    You have free will to choose how you want to live your life. No one and nothing is stopping you, but you yourself.

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  • Daisycat
    replied
    Originally posted by SNOOPY View Post
    You had double vision which, if I remember correctly, it has cleared up. You have had no other symptoms.

    The disease has not stopped you from doing anything, you are doing this to yourself. You are standing in your own way and creating the life you are living.

    The disease could strike at any time and make me a blind and paralyzed or disabled cripple. I am being realistic. I should not exist. I am not going to waste all that time and effort just to become a cripple in 4 years. Its easier to accept what is instead of trying for something I do not deserve.

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  • SNOOPY
    replied
    Originally posted by Daisycat View Post
    I love my job. Itís mostly what Iíve wanted to do most of my life. I say mostly since this curse stopped me becoming specialized.
    You had double vision which, if I remember correctly, it has cleared up. You have had no other symptoms.

    The disease has not stopped you from doing anything, you are doing this to yourself. You are standing in your own way and creating the life you are living.

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  • Daisycat
    replied
    I love my job. Itís mostly what Iíve wanted to do most of my life. I say mostly since this curse stopped me becoming specialized.

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  • KoKo
    replied
    Originally posted by Daisycat View Post
    When Iím at work my mind is on my patients since their life is important and as long as I am able to I am going to give them the best care I can. Iíll never have my dream job now, but I do have a job I love that has great benefits and pay.
    Good for you ~ this sounds very positive!

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  • Daisycat
    replied
    This is my plan. Work 630-3 (5 days a week) go to the store , go home shower/laundry, start drinking by 5 and binge Netflix shows, In bed by 11. When Iím at work my mind is on my patients since their life is important and as long as I am able to I am going to give them the best care I can. Iíll never have my dream job now, but I do have a job I love that has great benefits and pay. So as long as everyone doesnít find out (since Iíd be so ashamed Iíd walk out) I can be distracted 8 hours at work, 8 hours drinking/running errands/ 8 hours sleeping.

    Gonna have to wait a few months though since my credit card bill got a little high thanks to my cat needing 4 extractions... Iíve drank on and off since I was living alone. I never really drank because I was sad or anything until I found out my life was over. Anything to numb the pain is a win to me. And I promise you my self respect is about as low as it can go for now. Now the day I have to quit my job itíll go lower but now itís pretty much non existent

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  • KoKo
    replied
    Originally posted by Daisycat View Post
    When I was drinking every night I wasnít as sad. Considering it again... at least Iíll be not as miserable
    The drinking only temporarily numbed your feelings, Daisycat.

    I've been sober for 32 years. So far, nothing has made me glad enough, sad enough, or mad enough to take a drink.

    It really won't help, and will cause more depression and loss of self respect.

    Try to take it one day at a time, Daisycat.

    Take Care

    Leave a comment:


  • Daisycat
    replied
    My problem with friends is I resent them and hate them for being normal and not a genetic freak. I canít share any of my life with them so we have nothing to talk about. This curse is a dark cloud that has doomed me to a life of loneliness... but nothing I can do. When I was drinking every night I wasnít as sad. Considering it again... at least Iíll be not as miserable

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  • KoKo
    replied
    Originally posted by Daisycat View Post
    I post here since I am alone with this and always will be itís a way to vent. I know Iíll never have any one as a friend again and it kinda makes me sad but at the same time I know I donít deserve it because I shouldnít even be alive. Iím genetically defective.
    Daisycat

    We're glad that you come here to vent.

    You don't have to feel alone here. Many of your feelings are shared by others.

    We're all in this together.

    And you do deserve friendship and understanding.

    Take Care

    Leave a comment:


  • Daisycat
    replied
    I post here since I am alone with this and always will be itís a way to vent. I know Iíll never have any one as a friend again and it kinda makes me sad but at the same time I know I donít deserve it because I shouldnít even be alive. Iím genetically defective.

    Leave a comment:

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