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Might run out of meds... can't breath from panic attacks

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    #31
    Ive had hard times but nothing as bad as finding out Iím defective and should have never existed. Iíve never had an endless curse that canít be fixed and itís unfair that I have to live with this. And before this curse I was happy and had goals. Yes I had disappointments but they were easy to get over. There is no getting over my life being worthless. And I donít deserve to be happy. I deserve nothing since the universe has made me into nothing. It I ever feel even slightly happy Iím disgusted with myself for letting it happen. There are factors that can cause this and I hate myself for any of the factors I did to cause this. Iím pretty sure nothing will ever make me happy again and thatís ok because I donít deserve anything anymore. I really did consider talking to someone but since I donít deserve anything there is no point.

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      #32
      Originally posted by Daisycat View Post
      There are factors that can cause this and I hate myself for any of the factors I did to cause this. Iím pretty sure nothing will ever make me happy again and thatís ok because I donít deserve anything anymore. I really did consider talking to someone but since I donít deserve anything there is no point.
      Since the cause of MS is still not known, I am not sure why you think you know the factors that you are responsible for that caused your MS.


      You won't t be happy, but not because of MS, but because you are intent on punishing yourself.

      Your logic as to not seeing a therapist is twisted by depression. Talking to one isn't going to hurt and may help you realize that you do deserve to live life again.

      You have two choices. You can wallow in your self hatred, push all who love you away, and live in misery or you can take that next step, decide you want to be an active participant in life, and get help.
      Kathy
      DX 01/06, currently on Tysabri

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        #33
        There are enough sources out there that agree certain things increase the risk and genetics play a factor. So I should have never been born in the first place but I wish I had known about the things that increase the risk of this prison. And you are right that I wonít be happy... it is because I hate myself because I am cursed for life. And Iíve pretty much pushed away every one in my life. I have my boyfriend and one friend I still talk too. I donít want anyone else in my life because hearing their success stories or going to their wedding or just hanging out with them breaks my heart because I know Iíll never be happy like that again. I mean how could I when there is a decent chance Iíll lose my independent one day. Anytime I think about doing something for myself I feel guilty because I really donít deserve it... I donít understand how anyone can be ok with knowing what will probably/possibly happen to them one day.

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          #34
          Originally posted by Daisycat View Post
          There are enough sources out there that agree certain things increase the risk and genetics play a factor.

          I donít understand how anyone can be ok with knowing what will probably/possibly happen to them one day.
          Please share what resources you are referring to that indicate behaviors that raise your risk factor.

          Delete probably, as statistics don't support your worst fears. I will give you possibly.

          I became ok with it because I chose to want to be happy in life again. I didn't choose misery, which is what you are choosing.

          I realized possibly didn't mean probably. I realized that I may have to change my goals, but I also may not have to. I realized that if doesn't equate to when.

          I realized my fears were keeping me from doing, that they were paralyzing me, not the MS. I realized noone has guarantees in life. I realized I wasn't diagnosed with ALS, Alzheimer's, or other 100% debilitating diseases. I realized that so many treatment options exist and that so much research is going on, that some day, there may be a cure.

          I realized that with all of the above, I was grateful to be given a chance to live and enjoy my life, now more acutely tuned into how precious the small things in life are.
          Kathy
          DX 01/06, currently on Tysabri

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            #35
            And I realize that I can never be OK with this. It might mean I am never happy again, but I do not deserve it. I shouldnít even exist. And they will never give us a curse for this curse. There is way too much money to be made in the drug business. I am different from you. I am not grateful for life. I am furious that the universe allowed me to be born only to take everything from me. If there are past lives I most have done something horrible to deserve this misery. I know my view isnít popular ( at least with people here)Ö but I know I am genetically inferior and I should have never been born.

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              #36
              Hi Daisycat

              Do you feel that you are getting any benefit, or helpful insights, or support by coming here to share?

              Hopefully you are (even if it's by osmosis).

              On the other hand, if your mind is made up and it doesn't help, then why do you come here?

              Wishing you the best.

              Take Care
              PPMS for 22 years (dx 1998)
              ~ Worrying will not take away tomorrow's troubles ~ But it will take away today's peace. ~

              Comment


                #37
                Hello Daisycat,

                The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.

                You are precious, beautiful, wonderful person.

                You may not see it; others do.

                Allow yourself rest. Strength rebuilds with rest.

                May peace wash over you and settle in your heart in the knowledge that in spite of all your pain and suffering there is goodness in life and that goodness is making its way to you even now. Though you cannot see it as yet, goodness will show up on your doorstep. Just rest for now.

                Oh, that an angel or God himself would kiss away your pain even in this moment and give you peace.

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                  #38
                  Thank you Daisy for being here, and invoking such beautiful responses from everyone.

                  G
                  All the best, ~G

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                    #39
                    Originally posted by gargantua View Post
                    Thank you Daisy for being here, and invoking such beautiful responses from everyone.

                    G
                    So true! If not helping Daisy, the replies are helping many others!
                    1st sx '89 Dx '99 w/RRMS - SP since 2010
                    Administrator Message Boards/Moderator

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                      #40
                      I post here since I am alone with this and always will be itís a way to vent. I know Iíll never have any one as a friend again and it kinda makes me sad but at the same time I know I donít deserve it because I shouldnít even be alive. Iím genetically defective.

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                        #41
                        Originally posted by Daisycat View Post
                        I post here since I am alone with this and always will be itís a way to vent. I know Iíll never have any one as a friend again and it kinda makes me sad but at the same time I know I donít deserve it because I shouldnít even be alive. Iím genetically defective.
                        Daisycat

                        We're glad that you come here to vent.

                        You don't have to feel alone here. Many of your feelings are shared by others.

                        We're all in this together.

                        And you do deserve friendship and understanding.

                        Take Care
                        PPMS for 22 years (dx 1998)
                        ~ Worrying will not take away tomorrow's troubles ~ But it will take away today's peace. ~

                        Comment


                          #42
                          My problem with friends is I resent them and hate them for being normal and not a genetic freak. I canít share any of my life with them so we have nothing to talk about. This curse is a dark cloud that has doomed me to a life of loneliness... but nothing I can do. When I was drinking every night I wasnít as sad. Considering it again... at least Iíll be not as miserable

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                            #43
                            Originally posted by Daisycat View Post
                            When I was drinking every night I wasnít as sad. Considering it again... at least Iíll be not as miserable
                            The drinking only temporarily numbed your feelings, Daisycat.

                            I've been sober for 32 years. So far, nothing has made me glad enough, sad enough, or mad enough to take a drink.

                            It really won't help, and will cause more depression and loss of self respect.

                            Try to take it one day at a time, Daisycat.

                            Take Care
                            PPMS for 22 years (dx 1998)
                            ~ Worrying will not take away tomorrow's troubles ~ But it will take away today's peace. ~

                            Comment


                              #44
                              This is my plan. Work 630-3 (5 days a week) go to the store , go home shower/laundry, start drinking by 5 and binge Netflix shows, In bed by 11. When Iím at work my mind is on my patients since their life is important and as long as I am able to I am going to give them the best care I can. Iíll never have my dream job now, but I do have a job I love that has great benefits and pay. So as long as everyone doesnít find out (since Iíd be so ashamed Iíd walk out) I can be distracted 8 hours at work, 8 hours drinking/running errands/ 8 hours sleeping.

                              Gonna have to wait a few months though since my credit card bill got a little high thanks to my cat needing 4 extractions... Iíve drank on and off since I was living alone. I never really drank because I was sad or anything until I found out my life was over. Anything to numb the pain is a win to me. And I promise you my self respect is about as low as it can go for now. Now the day I have to quit my job itíll go lower but now itís pretty much non existent

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                                #45
                                Originally posted by Daisycat View Post
                                When Iím at work my mind is on my patients since their life is important and as long as I am able to I am going to give them the best care I can. Iíll never have my dream job now, but I do have a job I love that has great benefits and pay.
                                Good for you ~ this sounds very positive!
                                PPMS for 22 years (dx 1998)
                                ~ Worrying will not take away tomorrow's troubles ~ But it will take away today's peace. ~

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