Might run out of meds... can't breath from panic attacks

[Seasha]

Thank you Daisy for being here, and invoking such beautiful responses from everyone.

G

So true! If not helping Daisy, the replies are helping many others!

[gargantua]

Thank you Daisy for being here, and invoking such beautiful responses from everyone.

G

[Myoak]

Hello Daisycat,

The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.

You are precious, beautiful, wonderful person.

You may not see it; others do.

Allow yourself rest. Strength rebuilds with rest.

May peace wash over you and settle in your heart in the knowledge that in spite of all your pain and suffering there is goodness in life and that goodness is making its way to you even now. Though you cannot see it as yet, goodness will show up on your doorstep. Just rest for now.

Oh, that an angel or God himself would kiss away your pain even in this moment and give you peace.

[KoKo]

Hi Daisycat

Do you feel that you are getting any benefit, or helpful insights, or support by coming here to share?

Hopefully you are (even if it's by osmosis).

On the other hand, if your mind is made up and it doesn't help, then why do you come here?

Wishing you the best.

Take Care

[Daisycat]

And I realize that I can never be OK with this. It might mean I am never happy again, but I do not deserve it. I shouldn’t even exist. And they will never give us a curse for this curse. There is way too much money to be made in the drug business. I am different from you. I am not grateful for life. I am furious that the universe allowed me to be born only to take everything from me. If there are past lives I most have done something horrible to deserve this misery. I know my view isn’t popular ( at least with people here)… but I know I am genetically inferior and I should have never been born.

[pennstater]

There are enough sources out there that agree certain things increase the risk and genetics play a factor.

I don’t understand how anyone can be ok with knowing what will probably/possibly happen to them one day.

Please share what resources you are referring to that indicate behaviors that raise your risk factor.

Delete probably, as statistics don't support your worst fears. I will give you possibly.

I became ok with it because I chose to want to be happy in life again. I didn't choose misery, which is what you are choosing.

I realized possibly didn't mean probably. I realized that I may have to change my goals, but I also may not have to. I realized that if doesn't equate to when.

I realized my fears were keeping me from doing, that they were paralyzing me, not the MS. I realized noone has guarantees in life. I realized I wasn't diagnosed with ALS, Alzheimer's, or other 100% debilitating diseases. I realized that so many treatment options exist and that so much research is going on, that some day, there may be a cure.

I realized that with all of the above, I was grateful to be given a chance to live and enjoy my life, now more acutely tuned into how precious the small things in life are.

[Daisycat]

There are enough sources out there that agree certain things increase the risk and genetics play a factor. So I should have never been born in the first place but I wish I had known about the things that increase the risk of this prison. And you are right that I won’t be happy... it is because I hate myself because I am cursed for life. And I’ve pretty much pushed away every one in my life. I have my boyfriend and one friend I still talk too. I don’t want anyone else in my life because hearing their success stories or going to their wedding or just hanging out with them breaks my heart because I know I’ll never be happy like that again. I mean how could I when there is a decent chance I’ll lose my independent one day. Anytime I think about doing something for myself I feel guilty because I really don’t deserve it... I don’t understand how anyone can be ok with knowing what will probably/possibly happen to them one day.

[pennstater]

There are factors that can cause this and I hate myself for any of the factors I did to cause this. I’m pretty sure nothing will ever make me happy again and that’s ok because I don’t deserve anything anymore. I really did consider talking to someone but since I don’t deserve anything there is no point.

Since the cause of MS is still not known, I am not sure why you think you know the factors that you are responsible for that caused your MS.


You won't t be happy, but not because of MS, but because you are intent on punishing yourself.

Your logic as to not seeing a therapist is twisted by depression. Talking to one isn't going to hurt and may help you realize that you do deserve to live life again.

You have two choices. You can wallow in your self hatred, push all who love you away, and live in misery or you can take that next step, decide you want to be an active participant in life, and get help.

[Daisycat]

Ive had hard times but nothing as bad as finding out I’m defective and should have never existed. I’ve never had an endless curse that can’t be fixed and it’s unfair that I have to live with this. And before this curse I was happy and had goals. Yes I had disappointments but they were easy to get over. There is no getting over my life being worthless. And I don’t deserve to be happy. I deserve nothing since the universe has made me into nothing. It I ever feel even slightly happy I’m disgusted with myself for letting it happen. There are factors that can cause this and I hate myself for any of the factors I did to cause this. I’m pretty sure nothing will ever make me happy again and that’s ok because I don’t deserve anything anymore. I really did consider talking to someone but since I don’t deserve anything there is no point.

[SNOOPY]

Is the diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis the first time you have ever dealt with difficult situations in life?
Every single person in this world deals with "storms." Every person has something going on in their life (serious health problems, relationship issues, divorce, mental health problems, and the list can go on). No life is perfect.

Your perception of a stranger based on a smile or laugh is not correct. Through the years I have struggled with Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder(PTSD) and the secondary symptoms it has created. Anyone looking at me would have no idea what is going on inside of me, I "appear" perfectly happy and "normal."

I was diagnosed with PTSD in February 2004. I came to learn and understand I have had PTSD since the age of 2. I was born to a mother who was 14 years old. I was abused, neglected and not protected. This was my entire childhood. I was a scape goat for everything wrong in her life and she doesn't love me. I walked away years ago.

This disease has made me realize what a hole this universe really is and how life is 100% unfair and it doesn’t matter what you do or how hard you try if you were dealt a crappy hand you can’t do anything about it.

Life is not 100% unfair.

You have the ability to change and grow into a beautiful person who can help others with their struggles. I suspect the negativity and self hate you project was there before the diagnosis of MS, it's just easier to blame everything, your entire being, on MS.

You can triumph over the way you feel about yourself if you will only take that first step and acknowledge you deserve better and seek professional help.

After many years I finally have my freedom of the past and a life that has a purpose, love, peace and calm. You can do the same, I know you can. Love yourself enough to want better than the way you are living.

[Daisycat]

I am 100% feeling this way because of this curse. I feel guilty that my boyfriend might one day have to become m caretaker. I feel guilty that I might not be able to care for my animals. I feel guilty that all the plans I had made for my future will never happen. I feel ashamed that I have this curse and will for life.

I don’t think I can ever accept this curse… knowing how my life might end up is just something I do not want. Spending 5 sleepless nights in a hospital gave me lots of time for Dr Google and I found probably the worst sites and had the worst experience I could imagine at a hospital. I cannot stress how horrible I was treated by those people. I think since I was treated so horrible by the people at the hospital it made me think that’s how all “normal” people view people with this “curse.” I didn’t even know what this disease was before that day. I thought it was what Michael J Fox has.

If this is something that I inherited genetically I can’t understand why the universe allowed me to even be born. It would have been better for a “normal” person to have been born in my place. This disease has made me realize what a hole this universe really is and how life is 100% unfair and it doesn’t matter what you do or how hard you try if you were dealt a crappy hand you can’t do anything about it.
I can’t think of the words to explain how it would make me feel if I accepted this “curse”. Even thinking about accepting it makes me cry.

[Seasha]

YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE MS, NOR DID YOU DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE IT. You inherited some genes that left you succeptible to it and the perfect storm brewed to bring it out of hiding.


Please, please, treat yourself like you would your boyfriend or a good friend. You need kindness.

I share these thoughts too, Daisy, and I really want you to think hard about this.

Once many years ago after I had been diagnosed, I felt that I had done something wrong to cause this, but didn't share these feelings with anyone. They lurked and festered within me like a toxic chemical. Unlike you, I didn't even know about MSWorld and the support I could have gotten here. I'm really glad you reached out to us, however hard that must be in sharing your despair.

I finally found a therapist who I like to think saved me from myself. I wasn't suicidal, but terribly depressed. After two years I finally came to grips with my situation. It wasn't all easy, but I'm glad I did.

I'd like to share with you something that my therapist gifted me in a card for one of my birthdays:

"It's time somebody told me that I am lovely, good, worthy and true and that my essence shines bright.
It's time somebody told me that my love is complete and that my strength and warmth uplift.
It's time somebody told me how much they want, love and need me, how much my spirit helps sets them free.
It's time someone told me that joy is in my smile and that my eyes fill the world with light.

It's time somebody told me. IT'S TIME FOR ME TO TELL ME!"

Care care of yourself, Daisy!

[pennstater]

I do feel kind of like I want to “punish” myself because I feel like this curse is somehow my fault. I feel like I don’t deserve anything good in life. I’ve given up on applying for any promotion at work past where I am since I feel like someone who is normal would be more deserving. I just don’t see how I can take any of the suggestions since I do not feel like I am worthy of anything. I actually feel worse when I do try to do something to be happy since I feel like I am unworthy of anything good in life now. I basically feel like my life is a mistake and I shouldn’t really even be here. I know I am doing a bad job at explaining how I feel, but I can’t really explain it perfectly. I am not trying to say I am going to end my life today, but I do think it would have been better if I had just never been born.

Oh Daisycat, my heart goes out to you. Are you feeling this way soley due to your diagnosis? I know you don't want to hear it, but you could really benefit from therapy. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be proud not ashamed, you deserve to feel worthy in life. YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE MS, NOR DID YOU DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE IT. You inherited some genes that left you succeptible to it and the perfect storm brewed to bring it out of hiding.

Depression can cause unabating tiredness and do a number on self-esteem. And it doesn't matter if it is clinical depression or situational, such as can happen with a diagnosis.

Being upset, fearful, angry are all normal feelings when working towards acceptance. You just can't stay stuck there too long.

Try to remember you are worth making an investment in your happiness. Every time those negative thoughts cross your mind, ask yourself if you are being fair to yourself and replace it with a positive thought. Fight hard to be fair to yourself. At work, tell yourself you deserve it as much as the next person:. you care, your passionate about the animals, you work hard, and can do the same job your peers do. Don't let the fear of future limit you. Absolutely noone knows their future. That healthy cowworker could quit, be in an accident, develop a disease that is 100% disabling or fatal. Or that healthy coworker may not be as healthy as you think.

Please, please, treat yourself like you would your boyfriend or a good friend. You need kindness.

[Daisycat]

I do feel kind of like I want to “punish” myself because I feel like this curse is somehow my fault. I feel like I don’t deserve anything good in life. I’ve given up on applying for any promotion at work past where I am since I feel like someone who is normal would be more deserving. I just don’t see how I can take any of the suggestions since I do not feel like I am worthy of anything. I actually feel worse when I do try to do something to be happy since I feel like I am unworthy of anything good in life now. I basically feel like my life is a mistake and I shouldn’t really even be here. I know I am doing a bad job at explaining how I feel, but I can’t really explain it perfectly. I am not trying to say I am going to end my life today, but I do think it would have been better if I had just never been born.

[SNOOPY]

My mom believes all I need to do is pray and everything will be 100% better. I am not telling her this because I do not want the headache of it but I do not believe in God.

It's okay Daisycat. Some believe, some don't and I believe each person has the right to choose what they believe in and what they don't. Changing your outlook on life can be as simple as starting a list of things you are grateful for or things that are positive. Try to take MS out of your thoughts and lists as you are not grateful or happy with MS.

I hope you have been reading the thread started by pennstater in the general forum, maybe it might help if you keep reading all of the different quotes. You can set intentions (positive) and repeat these intentions through out the day, out loud or in your head. This is not a miracle but the more positive energy you put out the more you might be able to improve your thought process.

"Intentions are like magnets. The more we declare them, believe in them and act in ways to manifest them the more powerful and real they become."

You attract what you put out; negative energy attracts negative energy. Positive energy attracts positive energy. You will remain stuck in the cycle you find yourself in until you make changes and learn what your life is trying to teach you.