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Nothing is real anymore

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    Nothing is real anymore

    Having bipolar leaves me with a sense of hesitancy as I try to navigate this world. All roads lead to delusion or surrealism. If I were an artist maybe I would enjoy this perspective; but I spent years studying logic and the dissonances are too marked to give anything a benefit of the doubt. Maybe that's taking logic to a perverse degree. I don't even trust my delusions - maybe someone really has it in for me. Or created some evil algorithm that makes me think someone is there - which as far as delusions go is much more comforting than me sitting here trying to outwit a batch of programs. Maybe I'm too much in my head.

    One thing I disliked about cognitive behavioral therapy was the deconstruction and reverse engineering that allowed for an interpretation that 'felt better'. Here's where I get stuck. Interpretation? I can already feel the confusion coming in. Maybe I had one too many psychotic episodes, or wasn't properly medicated, or undercomplied. (I knew spellcheck was gonna have an issue with that. Maybe I should keep my thoughts within the realm of spellcheck - but again I keep falling back to a world that holds a slight patina of surrealness or absurdity. Maybe it doesn't matter what I think - so long as I don't hurt myself or others.

    I think I'm gonna try studying Hegel. Not in a presumptuous way. Maybe I'll find the place where he veered off and started to take himself waaay too seriously.


    I don't really have any advice for you, but wanted you to know that I hear that you are struggling and that I care. Please keep seeking help in the meantime, I will be praying that you will experience a peace that surpasses understanding, contentment and unexplained joy. Tomorrow is another day! I love it when I am able to focus on the small, but beautiful things of my life. Hang in there!


      Those are exactly the words I needed to hear, thank you! I'm printing out your post and am gonna put it on my fridge to read every morning. Maybe more depending on my state - which is totally cycling in and out of hell. But peace is the answer. Can not thank you enough!

      Did I really say that about Hegel? Ha! And I wasn't even saying it ironically. Not presumptuous - too funny. :-)


        Not Hegel.

        Such metaphysical confusion requires a strong dose of Descartes: Cogito ergo sum (I think therefore I am).

        But seriously, I hope you feel better.



          I know what you are going though. I had a rather bad experience with steroids. I just kept thinking, Save the good and don't harbor the bad. I was horrified, nothing was real to me. I saw faces morphing. Eyes everywhere. I experienced thought transmission. Nobody helped me. That was the most terrifying thing.


            I Hope

            You feel better. I just wanted you to know how it was for me and I got better. Hugs