Just Me?

[Skidder]

In my case, it seems like one giant mourning process. Constantly losing abilities and having to accept they won't be back. I think there's a big difference between mourning and depression. In my mind, depression is more a case of giving in. The mourning aspect is more of a process. It seems what they refer to as depression is more, "You really don't get it and what it's like to constantly have to accept a part of you is no longer available." I don't get depressed, but depending on what's new, it might throw me off a little as I learn to accept one more thing.

I don't hate life or look forward to death. I don't feel sorry for myself. I haven't thrown in the towel. Yes, I get frustrated when I can't do something I once could. Yes, I may have periods of a lot of change and be more touchy in terms of mood.

I am not going to be as upset that I can't pee my name in the snow compared to not being able to play guitar. The same applies to suicide. I remember a quote from a book, "I'm not the kind of guy who will sit in a bell tower and shoot people, but I understand the guy who does." Do I think they're all depressed? No. They may not fear death and find it preferable to what is coming.

With that said, I am in no way saying depression doesn't exist. I'm just curious how others define it.

[msgijo]

Simply HAD to reply ...

Last year I saw a new Neuro, and made the comment that I felt hopeless. OMG! Why did I ever say that? Immediately I was labeled as "depressed", and had the shrinks in the room asking all sorts of questions. I still have the questions every time I go to see her .

FINALLY I was able to reword it so that they eased off by explaining that yeah I felt sad that there was medically nothing that can be done for me, and that I was not looking forward to losing more of who I am. And that while I continue to search for something - anything - to stop this progression, that having to accept that there is really nothing that can be done is frustrating. And tiring. And yeah, at times depressing.

Try to explain that it isn't so much that you no longer want to do things, but more that you just physically CANT. Try to explain why you no longer get as much enjoyment out of doing something that used to take you a weekend and now takes a month to do. Try to explain how you feel about not being as mentally sharp as you once were, and constantly feeling 5 minutes behind in any conversation.

I cant explain without using words like sad, frustrated, hopeless or depressed. And the 'mourning' process just keeps coming back as new losses keep showing up. IMHO, it would be alarming for anyone dealing with MS to be happy about everything going on with them .
But I still believe that being depressed is a 'normal' feeling.

I am not suicidal either, but I will say that I do have a fail proof way out if I reach the point where life just isn't worth the effort any more.

Good luck trying to explain.