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He is just not into me anymore :(

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    He is just not into me anymore :(

    I have been married for 21 years to the most wonderful man. Over the last year or so, things "down south" have been affected by my MS (which I have had for 9 years now). I have had decreased sensation down there, developed hemorrhoids from poor muscles straining to have a BM, and most recent UTI's. So needless to say-I can see why he would lose interest and it has made me even more self conscience than I normally am. He does not seem to be interested in being intimate anymore and that hurts. Recently I tried going out of my comfort zone and tried to "seduce" him--total flop and totally embarrassing. Any suggestions on how to get back to being comfortable in this situation. Thanks


    I've been married for 20 years also. My husband and I went through similar issues and I can feel your pain and embarrassment.

    Hubby and I sat down and had a long talk. He was scared to hurt me, or cause some kind of damage.

    It was also a time in his life when his body was undergoing changes too.

    Talk with your hubby! Honesty and openness is always the best combination I think. Tell him how this feels for you. Ask him questions!

    Confirm your love for each other, that always makes things right again. If you feel you can't talk about this, write it down. Write him about your concerns and your feelings.

    21 years of marriage is a very special blessing but doesn't always come without trials.

    I hope things work out well for you, keep us updated.

    When I can laugh at my experiences, I own them and they don't own me!



      Hi Elliebelle!

      I agree with CaroleL. A good 'heart to heart' is a great idea and if that isn't a comfortable way to approach it, a letter to him and having him write one to you might be a good way to start the conversation. Sometimes it's easier to write it than to say it.

      After you write each other, you can then use the letters to talk about it. The conversation definitely needs to happen though or you're both going to just be upset or worried which will make solving your issues harder. Hopefully, you'll both be able to talk openly and honestly without being judgemental of each other's points of view. That certainly wouldn't help!

      Intimacy is important. I am a divorced mom of 2 who is now with a truly wonderful man. My ex and I (we both have MS) never talked about the issues and the intimacy never came back. It's not the only reason we grew apart but it certainly didn't help.

      My new man and I talk about any issues we have. It has given us both a comfort level with each other that I've never experienced before. I am not afraid to talk about any issues and I've been experiencing quite a few as time goes on. He knows what's going on and he knows what to expect (mostly lol). Even after the 10 years we've been together, we still occassionally give each other lists of things that we appreciate about each other and lists of things we're having issues with. It's always a great way to start things that we are not sure the other realizes and it's worked out well for us.

      I'm not saying it WILL work and help you but it's a place to start. When I first got divorced from my ex, one of the things I missed the most was simple touch from a partner. Just having someone hold my hand or give me a hug was something I felt the loss of very keenly. I guess I missed that sense of connection to someone.

      good luck. I wish you both well.



        Thanks so much CaroleL and Krysalus for listeneing, your advice, and response. I want so much to get back to that comfortable place of feeling like I "fit" in his arms instead of feeling like I am walking on eggshells. But I do not want to plant myself there if he does not want me there. I don't want him to be with me because he pities me. I will take both of your advice and see where we end up. Thanks for listening-as I do not share my MS problems with many people that know me and CERTAINLY could not share something THIS personal. Thanks again SO much


          I'm so sorry. That's tough.

          My husband and I are always exhausted because he works a ton and we have two kiddos, the youngest of whom still sleeps in our room. Soooo yeah, not a lot of sexy time.

          But we try to maintain THAT part of out life by hugging and kissing at least once a day, going on dates every once in a while and FLIRTING.

          The flirting's a biggie because it allows you both to remember why you fancied each other in the first place but doesn't necessarily lead to getting physical.

          Start with that. Good luck.
          Aitch - Writer, historian, wondermom. First symptoms in my teens, DX'd in my twenties, disabled in my thirties. Still the luckiest girl in the world.


            Thanks Aitch. We are going on a date "weekend" if "life" doesn't get in the way. Praying for no bumps in the road that would detour our trip! Fingers and toes crossed


              Yay Elliebelle!

              I hope you're able to go on your date weekend. I wish you lots of fun, love, life! Have a wonderful time.
              When I can laugh at my experiences, I own them and they don't own me!