Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

When should I stop "trying to do it all"?

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    When should I stop "trying to do it all"?

    I'm not sure if this thread is in the right spot, but I figured this is an issue every woman has - MS or no MS. I've been diagnosed since 2004 my relapses are bad but infrequent so I look completely normal and have mostly normal functioning of all parts of my body (my left hand is very limiting however).

    Here's my life: I was diagnosed fresh out of college at 23 with plans to go to graduate school. Started graduate school in another state and married at 25. Finished my Master's degree and had my daughter at 27. Unfortunately, I am now 31 and not a whole lot has happened in the last 4 years. Granted I had a bad relapse at 28 and I had a son at 31 but I'm kind of stuck in graduate school with two kids and a workaholic husband.

    So, my question is how do women with MS do it all? My husband is the opposite of supportive. He thinks he can put some money in the bank account and that's all he has to contribute. I fully appreciate what he does, but I can't understand why he refuses to see that it isn't enough. What I'm most afraid of is that I am going to give up on what I want for myself so that our lives can move on and then 10 years down the road I will resent my husband for not having been more supportive. I have tried and tried to talk to him about this for over a year and was even seeing a therapist to help me deal with everything but he still thinks it's my problem for me to deal with.

    Sorry if this is long and doesn't "flow" well, but I would love to know how other women deal with struggling to get everything done when it's nearly impossible! Better yet, how do you decide what has to be done and what can wait. I guess I need to prioritize.
    Lori
    Betaseron 2004-2009, Tysabri 2010-2011, Copaxone 2012-2013, Tecfidera 2013...

    #2
    Oh lori - I hear you even tho I'm a grandma now. And I think you answered your own question - Prioritize!!

    When I was a new mom with 2 little ones and one older one, I was working full time and we were building a house. After the house was done, my husband got sick with melanoma skin cancer (and later passed away) and for me, MS was rearing up its ugly head. Of course, I didn't know what was wrong with me and tried to accept my dr's thoughts that it was all about stress and anxiety.

    So I plodded along and I did it all, so to speak. I was always energetic and independent, so when things needed to be done, I did it - BUT sometimes with a lot of resentment towards my husband (before we knew he had cancer). After he passed, I felt so terribly guilty for harboring those resentments towards him.

    Life is short.. no one has a crystal ball into the future. That's why we make priorities and if I were in your shoes, those sweet darling kids would be just that! I'm not sure if your question is in regards to maintaining household duties and keeping up with all that. For me, that's the small stuff...and it can wait indeed.

    As far as you getting through school, do you have a time limit for finishing? Can you take fewer classes? I would not give up on that dream - it just might take a little longer! And as far as ways to encourage you husband help you out more and help him to understand, maybe someone else can give you advise. I haven't won any prizes in that department...

    My current husband now does help when he sees that's it's impossible for me to do things, but then again, I'm SP and can't do a fraction of what I could. He has slowly come around as I've slowly become more disabled.

    didn't mean to write such a long reply to you! It just resonated with me. I hope you get lots of suggestions and take care of yourself and those precious kids of yours
    1st sx '89 Dx '99 w/RRMS - SP since 2010
    Administrator Message Boards/Moderator

    Comment


      #3
      Lori, I feel you. I am a mom of three small children, 8,4,2. i have a partner of 10 years. He works his tail off to bring in income for us. And I get it. But absolutly everything else falls on me. It is really hard to keep up and of course none of them want to hear that mama can't today. The only advice I cn possibly lend you is when the days get hard to give yourself permission to cut down your list. You have to Take care of you or you can't take care of them. Even if it means that the laundry is washed and dried but not folded til tomorrow

      Comment


        #4
        Hi Lori, you might want to contact your local MS Society chapter. Ours has a "Student Enrichment Program" and will hook you up with someone who will do chores, yard work, shopping/errands or even snow shovelling. I've never used this program personally as we have lots of teenagers but it's a great program, free of charge too!
        Jen
        RRMS 2005, Copaxone since 2007
        "I hope to be the person my dog thinks I am."

        Comment


          #5
          Thanks for the great replies!

          Seasha - I am ABD (all but dissertation). That means I'm not longer in classes and my major "exams" are finished. All I have to do is finish the research aspect of the degree, but that is easier said than done. There is no official date by which I need to be finished, but for myself, I have decided I have until May 2013. This is because my husband will be finished with his schooling and we'll be moving to another state.

          I think sometimes I just need to know that I'm not the only one and to remember to keep things in perspective. Today has been a much better day, my house is still a mess. But I have been able to get some work done as far as my "school" is concerned. Thanks again for listening/reading (to) my vent!
          Lori
          Betaseron 2004-2009, Tysabri 2010-2011, Copaxone 2012-2013, Tecfidera 2013...

          Comment


            #6
            Hi lori~ I'm glad to hear that things are better today! We do have off days, don't we? I'm so thankful for this forum where we can reach out to others for those all important lifelines! You have a lot on you plate, but you can do it, lori!!

            Keep up the good work and check in any time when you need to blow off some steam. Better that, than the volcano erupting! (And if it makes you feel better, my house is a mess too and I don't have little ones, nor work, nor school.... obviously, it's not a main priority)

            Take care and GOOD LUCK with your dissertation!
            1st sx '89 Dx '99 w/RRMS - SP since 2010
            Administrator Message Boards/Moderator

            Comment


              #7
              Well I wish I could tell you . It will be easy but if I do I would be lying . Truth be told it is hard at times but as women we always find away . So keep going !!!!

              Comment


                #8
                I totally understand....

                Lori~I totally understand where you're coming from. I only get the support from my family but my husband totally refuses to learn about MS. I just do what I can n let the rest of the crap go.

                Comment


                  #9
                  The quick answer is that I never try to do it all at the same time. I did my first stint of grad school before had my boys, now that I've got them my husband does more than his fair share to help out, and I don't plan on finishing my education until my boys are back at school.

                  Now I'm not particularly ambitious so moving at this snail's pace suits me, but I'd think that you need at least one of the many things on your plate to give. Get your H to help out more, ease up on your dissertation until he's done with his schooling... something to ease a bit of the pressure.

                  Good luck.
                  Aitch - Writer, historian, wondermom. First symptoms in my teens, DX'd in my twenties, disabled in my thirties. Still the luckiest girl in the world.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by aitch10 View Post
                    The quick answer is that I never try to do it all at the same time. I did my first stint of grad school before had my boys, now that I've got them my husband does more than his fair share to help out, and I don't plan on finishing my education until my boys are back at school.

                    Now I'm not particularly ambitious so moving at this snail's pace suits me, but I'd think that you need at least one of the many things on your plate to give. Get your H to help out more, ease up on your dissertation until he's done with his schooling... something to ease a bit of the pressure.

                    Good luck.
                    I don't understand my husband isn't in school. Are you actually answering to my post?! Cuz I'm very confused.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      On the days I feel like I am able to do housework an chores, I go have fun~instead.

                      The local church has a ministry called "Set Free." Which is a live-in rehab program. They will work for lunch, if that is all you have. I try to pay them, reasonable. The work they do, well, not that thorough, but adequate. Training them to not track on the carpet and things like that, are the only challenge.

                      I've found 3, from the group, I really enjoy coming here. They've been here almost everyday the past 2 weeks. As, I have some projects going on; and need someone to move stuff around and do what the contractor needs.

                      There is no obligation to pay, I simply, pay what I am able.

                      Since, they have been helping me, my mobility has become compromised a great deal. I do not regret having this stuff done, even if not to my standards. The truth is, if I could stand over them and tell them how I like it done, they would do that.

                      I've learned: "When All Else Fails! Lower my standards!" Right now, it is working.

                      I dream of going and doing things. This is my week-end to go to Sacramento to socialize and be around other patients. We go up in a group and the collectives help pay a great deal of the costs. This week-end, I am staying home. This is when I was going severely downhill, last year, and it seems to be repeating itself, this month.

                      Do I feel guilty I had Set Free clean my home and the next day, I was able to do go see my neuro and rheumotologist.

                      If I lived with someone, other than my sweet little dog...I think I'd have serious emotional problems. I prefer to be away from others when I feel so poorly. I am impatient and grumpy with the pain. These people are very caring and understanding and help me, more than anyone can imagine!

                      Set Free is a nationwide program, it just isn't in every city, yet. This is the most honest group and God based program, I've ever had exposure with.

                      I love Set Free! They set me free!

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by lorib View Post
                        I'm not sure if this thread is in the right spot, but I figured this is an issue every woman has - MS or no MS. I've been diagnosed since 2004 my relapses are bad but infrequent so I look completely normal and have mostly normal functioning of all parts of my body (my left hand is very limiting however).

                        Here's my life: I was diagnosed fresh out of college at 23 with plans to go to graduate school. Started graduate school in another state and married at 25. Finished my Master's degree and had my daughter at 27. Unfortunately, I am now 31 and not a whole lot has happened in the last 4 years. Granted I had a bad relapse at 28 and I had a son at 31 but I'm kind of stuck in graduate school with two kids and a workaholic husband.

                        So, my question is how do women with MS do it all? My husband is the opposite of supportive. He thinks he can put some money in the bank account and that's all he has to contribute. I fully appreciate what he does, but I can't understand why he refuses to see that it isn't enough. What I'm most afraid of is that I am going to give up on what I want for myself so that our lives can move on and then 10 years down the road I will resent my husband for not having been more supportive. I have tried and tried to talk to him about this for over a year and was even seeing a therapist to help me deal with everything but he still thinks it's my problem for me to deal with.

                        Sorry if this is long and doesn't "flow" well, but I would love to know how other women deal with struggling to get everything done when it's nearly impossible! Better yet, how do you decide what has to be done and what can wait. I guess I need to prioritize.
                        I'd probably be spiteful and stop doing his laundry or anything he asks for. "Sorry, didn't have time. Thanks for understanding." I'm sure your husband is a great guy and very helpful but even so, at the end of the day you are responsible for your own health. Too tired to do laundry/grocery shopping/random errand one day? Don't do it. What's the worst that can happen? Your fears are understandable and so that's why you must take control of the situation. Be stronger and create the schedule you're conformable with and if he doesn't like it, oh well. You don't like that he's not supportive so he'll just have to deal with it. You have to be healthy for your children so with that in mind, I'm sure you can figure out what is a priority and what is not.

                        NO ONE can do it all. Google Ivanka Trumps interview about being a mom and you'll see that having it all and doing it all is a myth.

                        Good luck and I Hope you figure it out.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Originally posted by dianak33 View Post
                          I'd probably be spiteful and stop doing his laundry or anything he asks for.
                          This has crossed my mind many times!
                          Lori
                          Betaseron 2004-2009, Tysabri 2010-2011, Copaxone 2012-2013, Tecfidera 2013...

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Mothers, please teach your boys how to treat women

                            I'm amazed at some of the men these days, how they are so rude, and clueless about how to treat women. Obviously, their mothers did not teach them how, or maybe their mothers taught them, but they didn't listen. Mothers, please teach your boys to treat women. For example, in crowded waiting rooms and on public conveyances, they are supposed to get up and offer a woman or an elderly person their seat!

                            So back to trying to do it all. I've never been married, but when your husband isn't doing his part at home, how do you have the time and energy to be intimate with him?

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Coming from the opposite perspective... Sortof

                              My husband does so much to take care of me, that he has put his job at risk because of it. It leaves him so exhausted he isn't thinking clearly, and is no longer functioning well at work or at home. It scares me, because I can no longer work, so if we lose his income, I do not know what we will do.

                              Even so he constantly reverts back into denial about how bad things are, with him or me. I found a note the other day that said how bad we were functioning a few years ago, and we were both shocked. "surely this is only temporary. Maybe the date is wrong, (even though it was written so long ago we don't remember owning it)" he has bent over backwards for me for years, and I have watched the strong, forever-happy man I married crumble into a broken heap. Still, God gives us the strength to face life again, day after day. (we also don't really have a choice.)

                              I don't have a diagnosis, so we still don't know what is wrong with me. For years I have had to try to navigate doctors and treatments alone, with my husband always quick to encourage me to quit trying when it gets hard. He puts up with the consequences constantly, but is unwilling to face the cause, whatever it may be. In his most honest moments he admits to me that he is completely terrified that he won't be able to take care of me. Afraid of facing the full force of what is going on. Terrified that, when all is said and done, he will not be enough.

                              From the little you wrote about him, I wonder if the same might be true for your husband. It has been my experience so far, in all of the pain and falling and brain fog, that the very hardest part is facing my limitations full on, and acknowledging the way they are limiting me. It feels too much like failure or defeat, although I know that when I admit the truth, I am able to at least work with it. Save my energy for a big day tomorrow, rather than pretending I won't crash if I push through today. It is a constant struggle for us both, but I believe it is even harder for my husband, somehow.

                              I just ordered a book on Amazon, which I am hoping will help; and we are about to start couple's counseling using the method from the book. It is called "Emotionally Focused Therapy for Dummies", and the goal of the approach is to help people feel safe enough in the relationship to risk being vulnerable enough to admit their deep fears, so they can work together to make things better, rather than reacting out of anger. We talk more openly than I suspect most couples do, but I am so tired of screaming in exasperation at his denial. (Why keep doing my chores for me when it might turn out that whatever I have is curable and then I could wash them myself, and do the things I dreamed of doing with my life also... But I need help getting to the diagnosis!)

                              I apologize for the length. Not being able to summarize is one of my great weaknesses. I am sorry for your struggle, and hope that it gets better soon. It is so hard not getting the support I want, even as my husband does so much to help me. How great it is that yours is financially providing for your family so, at least, that part is taken care of. Please remember to thank him for it, even as you try to teach him how to change.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X