How do I say no?

[Seasha]

I have been helping with babysitting for my now 4 1/2 yr old granddaughter since she the day she was born. She is the love of my life - so smart, so affectionate and so very active! I help watch her with her other grandma 1 or 2x/wk for 3 hours each time.

I have found it to be more and more challenging as time goes on.

Backgound: Twice now this year we've been asked to watch her at our house for the entire day. Her other grandparents have her stay overnight, and we do the day time.

Both times now I have become so exhausted that I found myself questioning my ability to do this again. Both times, afterwards I was in so much pain and spasticity in my whole body went through the roof and no sleep as a result! This Sunday I was in tears until I found some old Percoset from a surgery 5 years and took 1/4 of a dose. That did the trick. Been sleeping and recouping, but still it's taken until today to feel back to my normal self.

I really don't know how to break it to her parents that I simply can't do this again. I am really mostly sad about this... it's not the kind of scenario that I envisioned of being a grandma. She loves me and wants to spend the night sometime, but can't see that happening.

So, I come to you asking for advice. Her parents, both full time hard workers, like to get away for a weekend out of town and I can't blame them. I want them to know that I am capable and dependable, but really I'm not

Thanks for reading!

[pennstater]

Seasha,

It is really hard to admit when something has become too hard to continue, but especially so when it involves our loved ones. I can only imagine how hard it is to give up time with your granddaughter.

I am sure her parents would not want you to be exhausted and in pain from watching their little girl. As much as it hurts you, it seems like you have to be honest with them and let them know how you have felt after the last few times you watched her all day. That level of exhaustion could lead to safety issues for both of you as well.

Any chance you could come up with another alternative? Is there a teenager that babysits - possibly having them there too so you can enjoy when you want to, but can help with a 4 year old's high energy. Or do her other grandparents bring her for all day to you, thinking that you want that - maybe it is an option to watch her for only a few hours? There could be other options too once you discuss with her parents. Even if not, I am sure they would understand and want you to be as healthy as you can.

My heart goes out to you.

[Seasha]

Thanks you, pennstater, for getting back to me. And you are right - her parents only want the best for me and I plan to have that conversation before I'm asked again.

I believe I need to have that talk with myself as well to admit I can't do what I so desperately want to do anymore. I hate admitting defeat.
Another conversation that's needed is with my husband! He loves our grandchildren too, but doesn't know how to really get down and play with them. i.e. play pretend, do art and crafts stuff. But, he can help out in other ways.

I forgot to mention that we also watch 2 other special grandkids (siblings) one day a week for 3-4 hours. Again, I am the one to really play with them. He does take them outside for awhile to play on our rope swing, weather permitting (which isn't all that possible in the winter)

Well, I guess I'm mostly writing to myself here - lol. No one can really help me except myself!

[Boudreaux]

I know you enjoy watching them but its probably in everyone's best interest that you communicate your concerns to the parents. Think you might be able to handle 1 day a week?

[KoKo]

Hello Seasha

Just want to wish you peace of mind, as you make your decision.

Taking care of our own health is a priority.

I know you enjoy watching them but its probably in everyone's best interest that you communicate your concerns to the parents. Think you might be able to handle 1 day a week?

Ditto to Boudreaux's comment.

[Seasha]

I know you enjoy watching them but its probably in everyone's best interest that you communicate your concerns to the parents. Think you might be able to handle 1 day a week?

Note taken and have learned my lesson well.
Thanks for everyone's replies.

[oceanpride]

Sorry I couldn’t give any good advice. Just wanted to comment on this rotten MS , turning things that should be enjoyable and pleasurable into a struggle.
Makes things so hard. What is a walk in the park for some , can be like climbing Mt Everest for us.
We miss out on a lot. Have to just soldier on and try to make the best of it. Easier said than done. Things will work out one way or another. I seem to be having it tough too. I think it’s just a hard time of the year to make it through regardless. Good luck with everything.

[KoKo]

Makes things so hard. What is a walk in the park for some , can be like climbing Mt Everest for us.
We miss out on a lot. Have to just soldier on and try to make the best of it. Easier said than done. Things will work out one way or another.

Well said, oceanpride.

[Seasha]

Sorry I couldn’t give any good advice. Just wanted to comment on this rotten MS , turning things that should be enjoyable and pleasurable into a struggle.
Makes things so hard. What is a walk in the park for some , can be like climbing Mt Everest for us.
We miss out on a lot. Have to just soldier on and try to make the best of it. Easier said than done. Things will work out one way or another. I seem to be having it tough too. I think it’s just a hard time of the year to make it through regardless. Good luck with everything.

I hear you, Oceanpride and thanks for your comments. For me it's been a huge lesson on accepting my limitations (ie the spirit is willing and the body clearly is not), asking for more assistance and learning to say no.

Things have changed around here - I'm learning to be more vocal about my needs and as soon as this pandemic eases up, I'm hiring help with housecleaning and gardening. Will ease up on childcare too. Like you say... soldier on!

[Mamabug]

Seasha, I didn't notice this post until today. I'm so sorry. I really wish we could have that New Posts option back. i miss that.

I've wondered if this will also happen to me. My grandkids currently live far away, but when they move closer, I expect that I'll need to weigh, closely, what babysitting requests I say yes to. Kathy['s option, below, is one that I've thought about looking into for myself if I need to. Even a young teenager or a pre-teen who might be too young to babysit on their own could be an incredible help in caring for young ones.

Saying no to something that you've been saying yes to for a number of years would be a challenge. I think my situation, of establishing new boundaries, instead of yours (redefining current boundaries) sounds easier.

I hope you can figure out something that works for you without feeling too awkward.

Any chance you could come up with another alternative? Is there a teenager that babysits - possibly having them there too so you can enjoy when you want to, but can help with a 4 year old's high energy. Or do her other grandparents bring her for all day to you, thinking that you want that - maybe it is an option to watch her for only a few hours? There could be other options too once you discuss with her parents. Even if not, I am sure they would understand and want you to be as healthy as you can.