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    Embarrassing Habit

    Due to having some cog fog, I sometimes talk to myself. It helps me remember what I am doing in my fast pace, stressful job (I didn't realize anyone noticed until it was pointed out). Well, of course, I tend to get on people's nerves. I've even been called in to my manager's office and told I have to stop. I try so hard to do the best job I can do. I am so embarrassed. I cried all weekend. I feel stupid. I am now using headphones to listen to music (when I'm not on the phone). I find it keeps me from talking out loud.

    So, here I sit, at my desk, feeling like an idiot and trying not to bother anyone. I have zero self esteem due to some mental and physical abuse from my narcissistic mom, so I tend to lean towards hating myself as I am right now. Thanks for reading and letting me get my feelings out.

    #2
    Originally posted by kittysmith View Post
    Due to having some cog fog, I sometimes talk to myself. It helps me remember what I am doing in my fast pace, stressful job (I didn't realize anyone noticed until it was pointed out). Well, of course, I tend to get on people's nerves. I've even been called in to my manager's office and told I have to stop. I try so hard to do the best job I can do. I am so embarrassed. I cried all weekend. I feel stupid. I am now using headphones to listen to music (when I'm not on the phone). I find it keeps me from talking out loud.

    So, here I sit, at my desk, feeling like an idiot and trying not to bother anyone. I have zero self esteem due to some mental and physical abuse from my narcissistic mom, so I tend to lean towards hating myself as I am right now. Thanks for reading and letting me get my feelings out.
    Hello kittysmith

    I'm sorry to learn what you're dealing with at your workplace, and the negative feelings that were triggered, especially toward yourself.

    It's good that you are able to get your feelings out, and share them here.

    Remember, your self-esteem is up to you. Hopefully this setback with how you view yourself is temporary and fleeting. Putting your ordeal in perspective, talking aloud to yourself is certainly not the worst thing that anyone could do (I do it too at times, but I'm not working anymore).

    Originally posted by kittysmith View Post
    I am now using headphones to listen to music (when I'm not on the phone). I find it keeps me from talking out loud.
    Looks like you've found a good solution.

    Hope you are feeling better soon.

    Take Care
    PPMS for 24 years (dx 1998)
    ~ Worrying will not take away tomorrow's troubles ~ But it will take away today's peace. ~

    Comment


      #3
      Try not to be so hard on yourself.

      Sometimes you just need expert advice so you speak with the most qualified individual.....yourself.

      That's what I tell myself anyway.
      The future depends on what you do today.- Gandhi

      Comment


        #4
        For anyone who criticizes a person with MS, I challenge them to walk 25’ in our shoes.

        I confess to say you are not alone. I noticed that I had started doing it when I was trying to articulate my thoughts in the event I would need to express them to someone. For much of my life people would catch me dumbfounded, leaving me feeling like I had been mowed down. It got worse after the dx. People would start yelling at me accusing me of all kinds of things(like not being normal) and it would be like watching a movie.

        Also, while I was teaching myself Spanish, I would translate all of my thoughts into Spanish and sometimes say them out loud to see if I could get the pronunciation correct.

        Lately, I have justified it by considering it a form of PT. It was a way of keeping my verbal skills intact and my intellect alive. MS makes conversation frustrating because I know what concept I am trying to express but the simplest words that tie the concept together blank out. The difficulty comes when I forget someone else is in the room.

        Maybe the next time someone criticizes you for that you could say, ‘my mind has a lot to say. Doesn’t yours?’

        Comment


          #5
          Kittysmith

          I am so sorry you are experiencing this. If you aren't talking really loud, I don't know why anyone should care. Some coworkers talk so loud anyway, even when not about work. And there are always the really loud phone talkers.

          I know people who do this and they don't have MS or any health issues. I do sometimes, but mostly I talk to myself silently and repeat things in my head. Just the repetition helps me to either stay focused or remember things. But if I am trying to walk thru something complicated,it helps me to say it out loud. I think it is the combination of saying it and hearing it that helps.

          On a different note, if you really need to do this to keep up your performance, I would think this would be a reasonable accommodation to ask for, as long as you aren't loud or in a setting where others are interrupted. You could also ask to be moved to an area where it wouldn't disturb people. If I remember, your manager and work environment is somewhat hostile. Sorry they have no understanding.

          Please don't beat yourself up about it. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Use your self talk to tell yourself that and remind yourself it is your office that has the problem, not you.
          Kathy
          DX 01/06, currently on Tysabri

          Comment


            #6
            Trying to move past it. It's hard

            I am so self conscious as it is. This was just another blow to my self esteem. I agree that no one really knows how hard we are trying to just keep doing even the simple things in life. We are about to have our anual reviews and I'm due a bigger raise that ususal due to my team being moved into a higher category of pay. I'm afraid this will affect my raise.

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by pennstater View Post
              If you aren't talking really loud, I don't know why anyone should care. Some coworkers talk so loud anyway, even when not about work. And there are always the really loud phone talkers.
              Oh so true!

              I have a friend who works in the meat department of a grocery store and she is always talking to herself. There is nothing wrong with her she just likes to talk to God as she goes about her work.

              My husband has always done this especially when he is working on something professionally or for enjoyment. Some people just work better when talking to themselves. There is certainly nothing wrong with that. Children do it at a very young age and we think nothing of it, I don't know why it should be an issue when an adult does it. And this is certainly not just a MS thing.
              Diagnosed 1984
              “Lightworkers aren’t here to avoid the darkness…they are here to transform the darkness through the illuminating power of love.” Muses from a mystic

              Comment


                #8
                My job

                I have one coworker in particular who continues to say "Who are you talking to"? She's a bit of a bully. The other day, she said it again. I couldn't help myself. I told her I was "talking to God" and everyone laughed. Her friend and several other coworkers told me she was happy I put her in my place. But, she still feels the need to complain about everything I do. For my part, I have remained respectful and helpful. I just can't get wrapped up in dealing with a bully. I am killing her with kindness.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by kittysmith View Post
                  I have one coworker in particular who continues to say "Who are you talking to"?
                  Not sure why, but there are people who get very annoyed with 'one-sided' conversations, but hearing a 'two person' conversation wouldn't bother them in the same situation.

                  I remember when Bluetooth wireless headphones first came out, and many people were irritated with people talking on their phones in the stores, public transportation, workplaces, etc. Now people are used to it.

                  Take Care
                  PPMS for 24 years (dx 1998)
                  ~ Worrying will not take away tomorrow's troubles ~ But it will take away today's peace. ~

                  Comment


                    #10
                    I don't care where you work or what you do there will always be someone who will pick you apart. It's their problem... not yours.

                    Those people usually have low self esteem and only feel better about themselves while they are finding fault with others.

                    Just bring your problems here, where everyone understands and loves you!
                    Marti




                    The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Money in your future?

                      Kittysmith
                      I have no idea why I still remember this, but years and years (and years) ago, my chem lab partner told me that people who talk to themselves have money in the bank. I think he must have been good-naturedly defending himself because there was no animosity between us, just a warm friendship.
                      So when you receive that upcoming well deserved raise, perhaps you might quietly remind yourself
                      (aloud of course) that the increased income will be a nice addition to your burgeoning bank account.
                      And meanwhile, continue trying to dismiss the know-nothings and work up the courage to explain to your boss?
                      It never ceases to amaze me that even in today's issue-filled world, people still find the time to be nasty
                      Good Luck!

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Thanks for the laugh!

                        Originally posted by roxanne View Post
                        Kittysmith
                        I have no idea why I still remember this, but years and years (and years) ago, my chem lab partner told me that people who talk to themselves have money in the bank. I think he must have been good-naturedly defending himself because there was no animosity between us, just a warm friendship.
                        So when you receive that upcoming well deserved raise, perhaps you might quietly remind yourself
                        (aloud of course) that the increased income will be a nice addition to your burgeoning bank account.
                        And meanwhile, continue trying to dismiss the know-nothings and work up the courage to explain to your boss?
                        It never ceases to amaze me that even in today's issue-filled world, people still find the time to be nasty
                        Good Luck!
                        I love it. I've been here 14 years and I know my job well. I really hope the raise will be significant. Fingers crossed.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          You are so right.

                          Originally posted by marti View Post
                          I don't care where you work or what you do there will always be someone who will pick you apart. It's their problem... not yours.

                          Those people usually have low self esteem and only feel better about themselves while they are finding fault with others.

                          Just bring your problems here, where everyone understands and loves you!
                          You'd think, as adults, we'd grow out of our childish habits. This person just refuses to see the good in me. She's just like the elementary school girls who bullied me. She doesn't act much older than a 3rd grader. Sad.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Originally posted by kittysmith View Post
                            I am so self conscious as it is. This was just another blow to my self esteem. I agree that no one really knows how hard we are trying to just keep doing even the simple things in life. We are about to have our anual reviews and I'm due a bigger raise that ususal due to my team being moved into a higher category of pay. I'm afraid this will affect my raise.
                            Kittysmith, I don’t talk out loud to myself, although now I thinking maybe that could be a useful tool for me, but I understand the lack of self esteem. I have been in a bad place physically for quite sometime now and haven’t gotten the answers I need. I should call my primary care doc for direction but am embarrassed I continue to struggle with my health issues and can’t seem to move forward.

                            You have many friends here...stay strong and just keep doing what you do to be successful in your job!!! You know it well and so what if you chat a bit a loud...seriously, your CO-worker doesn’t have enough to do if she has time to criticize you. 💕

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Originally posted by MyGirlsMom View Post
                              Kittysmith, I don’t talk out loud to myself, although now I thinking maybe that could be a useful tool for me, but I understand the lack of self esteem. I have been in a bad place physically for quite sometime now and haven’t gotten the answers I need. I should call my primary care doc for direction but am embarrassed I continue to struggle with my health issues and can’t seem to move forward.

                              You have many friends here...stay strong and just keep doing what you do to be successful in your job!!! You know it well and so what if you chat a bit a loud...seriously, your CO-worker doesn’t have enough to do if she has time to criticize you. 💕
                              Docs have heard it all, so please don't be embarrassed to discuss any health issues with them. Likewise, many here will understand. I think we all get stuck at various points, but eventually, manage to move on. Hang in there.
                              Kathy
                              DX 01/06, currently on Tysabri

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