New mother thread

[palmtree]

Daisycat’s thread on mother turned into a wonderful lively discussion. Many thoughtful answers. I wanted to talk about mine but it would wear everyone out.

It’s impossible to tell you everything and very very hard to find people who see the situation accurately. After years of therapy it has become clear that I am in a lethal situation.

This is something I put out of my mind and moved 1000miles away to escape. But, mother just sent me a Christmas card that was more than I could take. To be continued..,need nap

[KoKo]

Daisycat’s thread on mother turned into a wonderful lively discussion. Many thoughtful answers. I wanted to talk about mine but it would wear everyone out.

palmtree

Please feel free to share your thoughts and concerns.

And let us be the judge of whether it will "wear everyone out".

We're a strong bunch!

Take Care

[SNOOPY]

Palmtree, I understand

I walked away from my mother, no contact whatsoever in over 13 years, it's mentally healthier for me. The last Birthday card she sent after I walked away she signed her name She is a narcissist.

I wish her no harm. I forgave and blessed her...then let it all go. This was after much Therapy and a Journey of a spiritual path which involved many things including crystals and smudging.

Take care

[Daisycat]

I understand 100%. I have talked to my mom twice in the past 2 months and it was about her cat both times. Once she had called up to where I work ( she brings her pets there) so its not like I could just hang up on her. The other was an email she ent me with an update on how he was doing since I told her to let me know how he was.

I hope everything works out for you. I understand how hard and frustrating it can be sometimes.

[Jules A]

palmtree

Please feel free to share your thoughts and concerns.

And let us be the judge of whether it will "wear everyone out".

We're a strong bunch!

Take Care

Exactly! It might be therapeutic for you, helpful for someone reading and if anyone doesn't want to read it all they are free to skip it.

[Boudreaux]

I thought this thread was about babies! Dropped in to say congrats but.....

Coincidentally I haven't spoken to my mother in years. Maybe one day she'll put the bottle down. She disowned me when I confronted her about her behavior. I have already forgiven her and hope she forgives herself one day.

[Tawanda]

from the other side of the fence...

I am a mother to a daughter, 17 almost 18 year old. Despite the MS, I thought our relationship was perfect until high school. It became increasingly strained each consecutive year. She has her first serious BF, will be off to college next year, and is chomping at the bit for freedoms that can't be provided for her just yet. I hope she will understand the things I did that were right as well as she does my screw ups! This thread is breaking my heart! I can totally see her writing a post similar to what I have read here. Raising her these past years has been a run away train, so please remember to have some compassion for your flawed parents!

[Tawanda]

I thought this thread was about babies! Dropped in to say congrats but.....

Coincidentally I haven't spoken to my mother in years. Maybe one day she'll put the bottle down. She disowned me when I confronted her about her behavior. I have already forgiven her and hope she forgives herself one day.

No doubt alcohol ruins families. Looking back my dad was probably your classic functioning alcoholic. Towards the later part of his life, he realized the toll the booze put on his and stopped completely. It wasn't a matter of guilt. He was a fun drunk, but looking back, the coming down part was not fun to be around).

My Dad came from the generation where drinking and smoking were sophisticated, and unless you were a total mess (see the old movie, "the Days of Wine and Roses" starring Jack Lemon and Lee Remmick). Lots of alcoholism on both my and my husband's side of the family. I watch my daughter carefully...

[Tawanda]

Ugh. I need to re-read my posts before I put them on here! Sorry...

What I meant to say, Boudreaux, is back in the day when my father was young, you had to be a falling down drunk before any action would be taken to get help. Drinking is still glamorized to the point of ridiculousness, especially around the holidays!

[Boudreaux]

Ugh. I need to re-read my posts before I put them on here! Sorry...

What I meant to say, Boudreaux, is back in the day when my father was young, you had to be a falling down drunk before any action would be taken to get help. Drinking is still glamorized to the point of ridiculousness, especially around the holidays!

Got it. Thanks.

[palmtree]

Frustration!

I just spent an hour writing my story to you and poof! I pushed some wrong button and it all disappeared from my pad.

So this is going to be abbreviated. Thank you for all your kind responses. You were not only kind you all said things that make me feel like you understand this at a much deeper level than I ever expected. I, too, had to cut M out if my life. For 20 years that’s where she remained. But she was always operating and I had to make some serious sacrifices for this peace. I had to leave my husband and no longer live in the home with my son. M had $1,000,000at her disposal during this time and used every penny of it to purchase my son and my husband. My exhusband vacations with her and will receive the inheritance that would have been for me.

She calls my husband and my son, “the boys” implying that that are just another one of her acquisitions. I have maintained a good relationship with them despite this but it is always contaminated to some extent.

What happened that inspired this thread was the Christmas card MD sent me. It was a picture of her wrapped around my husband like a pretzel, my son, his girlfriend and my sister who I had to sever ties with. The card read, “JoAnn’s family”. My husband enjoys photography as a hobby and most likely made this card for her. JoAnn(mommy dearest) sent this out to the world to announce that she had acquired my husband, my son and his fiancée. She feels no remorse, has no sense that this is inappropriate and would become ferocious should anyone try to make her realize what she does is wrong.

I know that she and my husband are not having sex but emotionally he has filled the place in her life that my father filled before he died. He is my exhusband, my stepfather, my brother and the father of my son.

We only get one life and everything that has been precious to me is something she MUST HAVE. I am 65 and she is 93 but I think she will outlive me. Just that Xmas card alone put me in the hospital with pneumonia.

I feared enduring the chronic duress from this would trigger MS. Now, this seems more plausible than ever. What do you think?

[Boudreaux]

Wow. That is an incredible story. No doubt difficult to deal with.

Sometimes you have to simply let people be who they are and move on. You can't control your Mom, your ex or his new flame, but you can control yourself and your mind. Decide that you won't let it bother you and go in another direction.

It's advice as old as time, don't let the bully know it bothers you...

[Myoak]

Tawanda,

Never fear, a mother as concerned and loving as you will have that love returned. It may take a few years, it may not, but the love you gave will return. And, if for some weird reason it isn't, your life is still better for giving it. Teen years are always turbulent; they pass, you know that!

Palmtree, you are the prize, you are the diamond, you are a person full of life, thoughtfulness, and compassion. Just be yourself because you are very, very, special just as you are and we can see that you are.

I must say I am astounded by the painful separation uncaring mothers cause. I don't understand because I have never experienced that. But I do know this... you can learn as much from a bad example as you can a good one. We can become the person we choose to be. To me, it is natural that a mother and daughter or son care for each other in a way that each puts the other first and regards the well-being of another above self.

My mother, who still lives on her own, will turn 99 Sunday. She often tells people she has no idea why she has lived healthy for so many years. I'm sure luck and genes played a part but I believe the kindness and love she gave didn't hurt, either.

[palmtree]

Myoak,

Thank you! That is beautiful.

You just shared your wonderful mother with me.

[MMMMS]

This couldn't have been said better.

My mother passed away before my teen years really kicked in. So your mother doesn't support you in everything you think and do? That's OK. That's not her job. She has her own opinions and life experiences that she brings to the question. You weren't created to walk in lock step with your mother, and she wasn't created to mirror every thought in your head back to you. You're lucky, and I hope you know it. Because what a waste of life if you don't.

(Exceptional cases excepted, of course. This is just about mothers and daughters who don't get along over things they don't have to agree on anyway.)

I am a mother to a daughter, 17 almost 18 year old. Despite the MS, I thought our relationship was perfect until high school. It became increasingly strained each consecutive year. She has her first serious BF, will be off to college next year, and is chomping at the bit for freedoms that can't be provided for her just yet. I hope she will understand the things I did that were right as well as she does my screw ups! This thread is breaking my heart! I can totally see her writing a post similar to what I have read here. Raising her these past years has been a run away train, so please remember to have some compassion for your flawed parents!