I'm sure most of you experience this: an unexpected reality check. I'm such a laid back person that I forget how much I'm declining, but sometimes reality hits me in the face and it causes me to struggle some.
Before all this [assumed] MeSs started really hindering me, I was very fit and active. So capable. I've been steadily progressing, but this last year it seems I've been progressing quicker. While I've been using a cane once in a while for the last 3 years or more, this past year I've really been depending on it regularly, as well as the scooter carts at Sam's and such. Today I thought I'd be ok with my cane, walking slow around the flea market. I always walk slow, but in just a few minutes I walked slower and slower. I only made it through about 1/3 of the store (walking slow and with a cane for about 15 minutes) before I had to sit down. I was at this same store several months ago and was able to get around the whole thing, walking slow and taking a few breaks. I was tired afterwards, but I still made it.
Today after only about 5 minutes of walking slow my right leg dragged more and more. After about 10 minutes total, I knew I had to sit down soon. And then I knew if I didn't sit down right now I'd fall down. In my head, with each step, I was thinking, "Don't fall. Don't fall. Don't fall. Don't fall." I had to sit there for about a half hour before I could make it back to the car, holding on to my friend for support. And I mean holding on. Thankfully he's twice my size and super strong.
Should I have used a walker? I'm still learning. I'm thinking a buggy scooter thing would have been more appropriate for the size of the place, but I might have done better with a walker?? I'm in the process of picking one out. I like one on Sam's online and am ordering it now. I've also had suggestions on here for a 3-wheel rollator that's easier to get around the apartment with. I'll order that rom Amazon.
But this is me. How is this my reality? I was watching 75 year olds walk past with no issues. I'm 42, thin, and LOOK like I should be healthy. Sitting there with my cane, thankful I made it to the bench in time. No longer able to cook for friends and family. No longer able to take care of my farm animals except for minimal easy jobs when I'm able. No longer able to take walks or go hiking. I miss hiking so much!! That's been long gone. The last "hike" I attempted was on a flat trail with a cane and a friend to lend an arm as needed. We didn't get that far and I almost fell several times because of rocks and other uneven surfaces. That was about 3 years ago.
I do not feel sorry for myself. I have always taken this in stride, and that's been part of my problem. I'm just too laid back. I've always had a 'suck it up and drive on' attitude. "Shut up and be happy." It took me several months of dealing with all sorts of things that 'normal' people would have went to the emergency room for several times over before I finally went to a doctor. I just went through it. [looking back, if this is MS, I assume they were all pseudo exacerbations brought on by simply not knowing how to let things go, rest, not stress out, etc. After a few years of learning how to adjust, my body kept declining but stopped freaking out randomly.) I do not like doctors. Never have. So it wasn't until a good friend looked at me and said, "YOU NEED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR!!!" that I finally went. But, because of how I am, I gave up all too soon and never followed through. All the tests, poking, prodding, drug recommendations, all the different doctors ... it was just too much for me at the time.
Anyway, I'm just tired. I had plans for my life. I am doing good at making adjustments (with the help of my loved ones), but still, every now and again reality really hits me. This is me. I am so far from being who I used to be that that person does not even exist any more. How is that even possible?
Can you relate???? I'm sure you can.
I am praying I get approved for medicaid for the disabled so I can go straight to an MS specialist in St. Louis. No more messing around. I am 100% committed to getting to the bottom of this. I already have the referral and have been speaking to the nurse there. They have my records. My friend is 100% committed to carting me around no matter how many times we have to take the 4 hour drive to St. Louis. (8 hours total) Things are all in order. Now I just need the approval. Maybe you all can join me in prayer that things will go through. But, I do have a back up plan if I do not get approved for the medicaid for disabled folks: I'll just go back to the original neurologist in Columbia, MO. They do an income-based fee and my payment was super cheap and affordable for me.
Anyway. Thanks for listening.
Before all this [assumed] MeSs started really hindering me, I was very fit and active. So capable. I've been steadily progressing, but this last year it seems I've been progressing quicker. While I've been using a cane once in a while for the last 3 years or more, this past year I've really been depending on it regularly, as well as the scooter carts at Sam's and such. Today I thought I'd be ok with my cane, walking slow around the flea market. I always walk slow, but in just a few minutes I walked slower and slower. I only made it through about 1/3 of the store (walking slow and with a cane for about 15 minutes) before I had to sit down. I was at this same store several months ago and was able to get around the whole thing, walking slow and taking a few breaks. I was tired afterwards, but I still made it.
Today after only about 5 minutes of walking slow my right leg dragged more and more. After about 10 minutes total, I knew I had to sit down soon. And then I knew if I didn't sit down right now I'd fall down. In my head, with each step, I was thinking, "Don't fall. Don't fall. Don't fall. Don't fall." I had to sit there for about a half hour before I could make it back to the car, holding on to my friend for support. And I mean holding on. Thankfully he's twice my size and super strong.
Should I have used a walker? I'm still learning. I'm thinking a buggy scooter thing would have been more appropriate for the size of the place, but I might have done better with a walker?? I'm in the process of picking one out. I like one on Sam's online and am ordering it now. I've also had suggestions on here for a 3-wheel rollator that's easier to get around the apartment with. I'll order that rom Amazon.
But this is me. How is this my reality? I was watching 75 year olds walk past with no issues. I'm 42, thin, and LOOK like I should be healthy. Sitting there with my cane, thankful I made it to the bench in time. No longer able to cook for friends and family. No longer able to take care of my farm animals except for minimal easy jobs when I'm able. No longer able to take walks or go hiking. I miss hiking so much!! That's been long gone. The last "hike" I attempted was on a flat trail with a cane and a friend to lend an arm as needed. We didn't get that far and I almost fell several times because of rocks and other uneven surfaces. That was about 3 years ago.
I do not feel sorry for myself. I have always taken this in stride, and that's been part of my problem. I'm just too laid back. I've always had a 'suck it up and drive on' attitude. "Shut up and be happy." It took me several months of dealing with all sorts of things that 'normal' people would have went to the emergency room for several times over before I finally went to a doctor. I just went through it. [looking back, if this is MS, I assume they were all pseudo exacerbations brought on by simply not knowing how to let things go, rest, not stress out, etc. After a few years of learning how to adjust, my body kept declining but stopped freaking out randomly.) I do not like doctors. Never have. So it wasn't until a good friend looked at me and said, "YOU NEED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR!!!" that I finally went. But, because of how I am, I gave up all too soon and never followed through. All the tests, poking, prodding, drug recommendations, all the different doctors ... it was just too much for me at the time.
Anyway, I'm just tired. I had plans for my life. I am doing good at making adjustments (with the help of my loved ones), but still, every now and again reality really hits me. This is me. I am so far from being who I used to be that that person does not even exist any more. How is that even possible?
Can you relate???? I'm sure you can.
I am praying I get approved for medicaid for the disabled so I can go straight to an MS specialist in St. Louis. No more messing around. I am 100% committed to getting to the bottom of this. I already have the referral and have been speaking to the nurse there. They have my records. My friend is 100% committed to carting me around no matter how many times we have to take the 4 hour drive to St. Louis. (8 hours total) Things are all in order. Now I just need the approval. Maybe you all can join me in prayer that things will go through. But, I do have a back up plan if I do not get approved for the medicaid for disabled folks: I'll just go back to the original neurologist in Columbia, MO. They do an income-based fee and my payment was super cheap and affordable for me.
Anyway. Thanks for listening.
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