Guilt, Alienation, Self-imposed Isolation

[sardi_g]

I have a strange life. (Don't we all!) A multitude of positives and negatives.

Yes MS sucks but I really don't care when I fall rollerblading. At least I still go out there and challenge balance and also get fit (which lately has shown it really does help with cognitive deficits). I've gotten used to dropping and spilling and.. flinging things across the room through no conscious effort. It's almost a gift - haha. It's actually just spasms and tremors.

Okay the mood and mental health issues suck. But I've developed such a toughness I wish I has MS years ago and would have been better able to ward off the crazy-making treatment I received but whatever. Not to sound (whatever the word is) but given my family, MS was the best thing that could happen. But that same family experience also led to a sizable inheritance and don't care for fancy things so I'm set for life.

I have no husband, boyfriend, girlfriend? No children but am contemplating a cat but I'm intimidated by the responsibilities. Concerning friends I lent a sizable amount of money to one I'd known for 20 years and found out he lied on so many accounts and I may not see it again. I'm done with close acquaintances. I enjoy talking to the strangers I meet in daily life. I'm joining habitat for humanity so that's a big positive. I found out ways to keep my mom from intruding into my life by keeping her busy helping me speak german and now she's going to teach me to crochet and we're gonna make scarves for people who need it - whom I see everyday and feel there's more to do besides giving a few dollars. I donated thousands of dollars to charities and 'go fund me's and it was great to see deserving people get what they deserved - more than what was asked.

I like my life! I love being alone. I just went skiing in Colorado by myself and had a blast. I love roadtrips.

I don't cringe and waste time calculating costs for every item at the grocery anymore. I buy healthy food lots of produce and don't even look at the receipt.

I live with constant paranoia but I just choose to do nothing about it and sometimes create background stories to amuse myself. Okay this part is weird but seriously it doesn't affect my day to day functioning.

But I do feel guilty and still have dark days. But is this life okay or should I be something more or different?

Thanks for reading
So

[Jules A]

It sounds like overall you are content with your life. It is a blessing not to have the financial concerns so many of us do and I applaud you for your generosity to charities.

I say you just do you and its all good.

[sardi_g]

Thank you for your encouragement

I always appreciate your feedback. Soo, I may have rose-tinted glasses wrt finances. I didn't consider medical accommodations, nursing home, etc. Because I don't think about secondary progressive. So I'm a 'good candidate' says my doc but there's absolutely no certainty and this could be the worst part of MS: complete lack of any verifiable estimate of the future regarding the course of this potentially devastating disease. How can you plan for the future? So I don't.

[Brad1138]

Plan for the worst; hope for the best.

"Man proposes;God disposes." Thomas a Kempis.

[dyin_myelin]

Did you get the inheritance in a lump sum? Are you withdrawing without budgeting? Is it so sizable that you can live on the interest alone? If the answer is no, please meet with a financial planner. It may have to last your entire life if you can't work. Absolutely you can plan for the future, whatever it may be. We all hope for the best, but none of us planned to get MS, right? If you had to get modifications for your home to be able to take a bath, or get in the front door, it could easily be five figures. What about a modified vehicle? Think of a home health aide, food delivered, medical supplies, deductibles and co-pays. Enjoy road trips and eat good food, I try to enjoy my life too, but also think of yourself as a gofundme. Ten or twenty dollars on a crowdsourcing site like that gives me satisfaction without any guilt or harm to my budget.