***Is Anyone As MAD As I Am?***

[Apple-]

I just can't stop being so angry.

I'm angry that it took me years to be diagnosed. I'm angry that I have had to endure 8 different neurologists. I'm angry that 7 years later I am just now starting medication. I am angry that I spent 7 years without it

I'm angry that they have found a new lesion. I'm angry that I can't control this like I thought I could. I'm angry at I've wasted 7 years in denial. I'm angry because it feels like I've just been diagnosed all over again.

I'm angry that this has made me feel so insecure. I'm angry that I don't feel pretty anymore. I'm angry that the medication has left marks on my body.

I'm angry that I'm distancing myself from the ones who love me most. I'm angry that my daughter has to see me like this. I'm angry that my daughter has a mother with MS.

I'm angry and sick of being angry.

[DebbyV]

Hi! I actually posted something similar to this a couple of days ago. I have been more depressed, but let me tell you, there are MANY days/moments that I get angry!

I was diagnosed almost a year ago and I have gone further down this "hill" when I thought I was pretty much at the bottom. Before being diagnosed I was already battling severe bipolar depression.

So ya, I get MAD! I sometimes think "WHY ME?" Not that I would wish it on someone else, but I think I had enough on my plate?

And what hurts me the most is daughter watching me go through this. She helps me get up from the chair, when my legs are killing me, or helps me up the stairs. No five year old should have to have to push on their Mommy butt up the stairs!

So you're not alone getting mad!! I, for sure, am right there with you.

[dpmich]

Oh Apple, I am so sorry. I can understand the anger, it IS part of the grieving process you are going through. You can hang on to the anger so that you don't allow yourself to start to heal emotionally and physically, or you can try to let some of it go. There seems to be no good answer other than so many here CAN relate to you being in limbo for so long.

If you haven't yet, it seems this would be a great time to go for some counseling. Your daughter should see her Mom have this disease but doing what she can to help herself.

Yes this MS crap is just so dang unfair. There IS no controlling it is there? I'm with you, I always thought I was strong enough to pull myself out of anything. This isn't the illness for us in that respect!

Hang in there, we are pulling for you!

[Thinkimjob]

Angry is okay. Don't worry too much about the years without dmds. Personally, only personally mind, I think they do sweet fa.

[Tomjadg]

I was never angry, since it served no purpose.

It is what it is, and we adjust. I get disappointed that I can no longer do what I used to, and my wife has to do more, but I had no control over it.
Good luck.

[Thankful2B]

Yes, I've been there, then I get over it, then it happens again, then I get over it again.

I hope you feel better soon.

[LisaL77]

Apple, a couple things. There is a cool avatar on this site of an apple hanging from a tree. It's perfect for you, you should upload it. To me, an apple represents freshness, health, purity. In your minds eye, try to envision this.

I am angry about the same things as you. Here is a list I put on my blog, and I keep adding to it as I experience any blessing.

Blessings I've received since Dx:
This was my "come to Jesus Moment"
I drink more water because my meds require it.
I no longer drink alcohol
I am hyper organized and more efficient to conserve energy
I sleep better after purchasing my sleep sounds machine
I am eating much healthier
I will resume Core/Upper/Lower body exercises and stretching every morning
I am learning about alternative and holistic medical approaches
Blessings I've received since Dx
This was my "come to Jesus Moment"
I drink more water because my meds require it.
I no longer drink alcohol
I am hyper organized and more efficient to conserve energy
I sleep better after purchasing my sleep sounds machine
I am eating much healthier
I will resume Core/Upper/Lower body exercises and stretching every morning
I am learning about alternative and holistic medical approaches
I take vitamin therapy supplements for energy, inflammation reduction and brain function
I began acupuncture for energy and pain relief

I know how hard it is to see something good in life right now, because your first reaction is 'why me????' This MonSter impacts our whole family, our job, everything.....

They say football is a game of inches. Gain an inch here. Gain an inch there. MS is a game of inches. Try to gain control and satisfaction on something in your life. For example, I just contracted for a guy handle my lawncare. I used to blow leaves, mow, trim bushes. Not anymore. I have a cleaning service coming Friday for an estimate. I just bought a ton of personal time. I got a teeth whitening kit from my dentist, I'm getting my hair cut and colored. I got a pedicure....these are things I have done for ME.

These are things that have helped me keep my chin up during all of this. I set a small goal, and I try to accomplish it. I do not create a loooong list of tasks to complete, it will only depress me that I cannot succeed like I did 'before MS'. I set out to do a few things, and I accomplish them. Then I set out to do a few more, and so on.

[LisaL77]

Sorry I copied my list twice accidentally. Evidently, I am so blessed I have to say it twice.

[Dayna]

Sick since I was 14 years old, yet no one suggest an MRI until I was 30 years old, which showed lesions, but they got ignored. I've progressed and now have a lot more problems, and haven't been able to do much for my children. Even though they're 16 to 21 years old, they shouldn't have to care for their mother. It's my job! I wanna make dinner! I wanna be able to stand!!

I feel like a loser at times, but this disease isn't something I planned, and that's what I have to remember. It's what YOU have to remember as well! 8 neurologists? No surprise there! I went to over 12, lost count, and when they treated me like cr@p, I gave it right back to them. I'm not one to be walked on, remember you're not either!

Even though I had lesions on my brain since the age of 30, my next MRI wasn't until I was 35, which was when a radiologist said it's due to Multiple Sclerosis. I'll be 40 next month, and had 8 MRI's since 35 years old, each one saying the same, and although my doctor believed it, I couldn't get any Neurologist to believe the radiologist until now. Much damage is done and that I'm still ticked off about it, but FINALLY treatment is being discussed this Friday.

You're definitely NOT alone! Vent anytime! I wish you all the best, I really do. (((hugs)))

[Tawanda]

from a position of pure vanity!

There are so many aspects about this disease that make me SO MAD that I couldn't possible list them all!! Although staying mad when you have M.S. may be justifiable, just think about what long term anger and bitterness does to your face!

I am too vain and shallow to allow the worry furrows and angry parenthesis lines around my mouth to take hold when I start obsessing about how much I hate this disease so I try to let go of at least some of it whenever possible.

I have seen veteran MSers at various functions who seem to have hard, waxy faces...it is so obvious that they have been carrying the weight of the world around their shoulders for so much longer than they deserve.

I know it's not just MS sufferers. I've seen this look worn by many persons who have lived hard lives, whether it be from disease or other hardships.

Be angry from time to time because it reminds you that your still alive, but you just have to give yourself permission to let go of it sometimes...even put your worries in the hands of a higher power if you believe in that kind of thing. Once you start seeking it out, you will notice that there are still many simple sweet pleasures that cross your path every day.

[Apple-]

*kisses to everyone. Thank you so much for your support. I appreciate it more than you know...

[LisaL77]

Apple, we are all here when you need to vent. We understand.

[muse_7]

Absolutely I was angry. And little things remind me and I go right back there. But what helped me is time, therapy and anti-depressants lol and thinking about a little Buddhist saying when I was angry.

Anger is like picking up a hot coal to throw at your enemies.

Think about it. MS is made worse by stress. It sucks that you weren't diagnosed earlier, it really does. But it happened and now all that anger is only hurting you and your family.

There are things you can do to get back some control over the disease. Take care of yourself physically ( with diet and whatever physical activity you can manage) and mentally ( with therapy, anti-depressants, spirituality, positive self-talk, whatever it takes!!).

Enjoy your family, appreciate the wonderful things that are still in your life. MS took my old life from me, but that wasn't all a bad thing, trust me. I know who loves me now, I love myself a lot more, I have the time to appreciate everything around me instead of always rushing through my life. There are good things there, you just have to look for them through different eyes. And that may take time.

Good luck and hugs.

[MSSINCE09]

yes yes yes

Yes I completely am angry and disgruntled with this MonSter! I am sick of not being able to be that person I used to be.

4 years ago right now I wouldve been at work supervising a staff and now I cant even remember to turn on the dishwasher without putting a sticky note on the stairs.

I am angry that I am not the wife that I want to be or that I thought I used to be. I am so confused anymore I dont know if I've ever really been what I thought I was those years ago.

I try to find solace in the positive things that have happened since this diagnosis.

I have much better relationships now because I chose to get all negative people out of my life. I eat better, lost almost 40 lbs. So I have to smile at the good sometimes.

I am hoping that you have more happy moments in your days than anger, and know that we all know how you feel and are here for you.

[valeriem2220]

I am too vain and shallow to allow the worry furrows and angry parenthesis lines around my mouth to take hold when I start obsessing about how much I hate this disease so I try to let go of at least some of it whenever possible.

Love this! It made me giggle...and makes me think of myself...but mad? Yes mad as heII some days. I think it is all part of being diagnosed with an illness but how we choose to deal with that anger shows our true character.
I hope you can find solace soon....