"Vanishing Independence"


By Kelly Tomlinson



Could you help me please? These are probably the most difficult words this fiercely independent adventurer has ever had to utter. This was even harder than the time when I stood, sweating profusely, my knees shaking and nervously asking my wife if she would marry me. So much for being the robust and rugged male I thought I was. But I digress, I'm supposed to be writing about my disappearing independence as my MS slowly progresses.


It has been a bewildering experience to say the least. I spent the majority of my life priding myself on the fact that I was like the explorers, the mountain men, the pioneers of ages past who depended solely upon themselves with no assistance from outside sources. That was me, if I could not do it myself, it could not be done. If I dug myself into a hole, by God I would dig myself out.


My rule was not to ask for help, period. If my friends asked for my help I would gladly assist them but in my mind if I asked for help it was a sign of weakness. Thanks to MS I now have experienced weaknesses, at one time or another, of my lower extremities, my stamina, my bladder, my cognitive functioning, my vision, my coordination and my balance.


I think I have disproved the saying that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. This "old dog" (me) is finally learning to ask for help and not feel so bad in doing so. My wife definitely thinks she has refuted the saying about leading a horse to water but not making it drink. She has, in her own sly and crafty way, led me to the proverbial trough and made me drink with no hostility on my part. It always amazes me how she is able to do that without me being aware that it is happening. I don’t know what I would do without her support.


One of the things that has helped me to overcome my aversion to asking for help has been to understand that in order to avoid appearing like some snobbish rich person who orders his servants around is to simply say thank you. I sincerely appreciate people helping me and by saying thanks, it not only reminds me of their assistance but I believe everyone likes some recognition for their good deeds.


I thought I was going to go kicking and screaming as I slowly lost my independence but I don’t view it as a loss of independence anymore, merely time and energy management. I still am able to do things for myself but the first question I ask is whether or not this is a good use of my time and energy. If it isn’t then I’ll ask for help, if it is then by God I’ll do it myself.

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